***Possible Trigger...My inner child is jealous of my toddler stepchild. Help :(

[witchwomb]

A bit of background: I've been with my husband for almost 2 years now. I met my stepson when he was 20 months old, now he's 3.5 years. He and I get along super well and we love each other a ton, but sometimes being a parent really triggers some mean and nasty aspects of myself that I wasn't anticipating.

My stepson's mother and father are super attentive to his needs and emotions, and in true toddler fashion, he used to treat them pretty poorly. This would make me nearly sick seeing it....it's almost like something deep inside of me started bubbling. Why should he get such great parents? It felt like he didn't deserve them. I felt like I couldn't hold up to the expectation of being a good parent because I had never HAD good parents.

I went to therapy for a bit and it helped, but sometimes it hits me hard. I can hardly handle any crying he does. I can't handle him being noisy. Growing up I had to stop my siblings from crying and being noisy, in fear of my parents, but I'm scared that I'M the bad parent now.

I don't know what to do, really. Some days are great and others are *. We have him every other week, but it feels like I'll never get out of that tunnel. I'm so tired from it 

[Wife#2]

Oh, Witchwomb, that is such a tough situation!

I didn't realize how lucky I was to have tween & teen step-kids when I married my H.

Since you see SS's parents being great parents, watch and try to learn from them! When you feel your patience slipping away, it may help to think of these three things.

1) ALL parents lose their patience - ALL! My bio son is now 8 and I do lose my patience with him sometimes. THAT'S NORMAL! You are NOT a bad parent for losing your patience. It's what we do at that point that defines us. Breathe and count to 10 doesn't fix it, but it can help stop the feelings from taking over.
2) When his noisiness and running around start triggering, try to find activities that will slow & hush him - that's what all of us bio parents do - even ones who aren't cPTSD! Puzzles are quiet and take time being in one place. They do make puzzles for kids that young.
3) When possible, let the bio-parent be the parent. You knew this little fellow would be around when you married your husband, but he didn't give up HIS responsibilities when he married you. Don't be afraid to let him know you've reached your limit and need a 'grown-up time out'.

I don't know how 'on board' your husband is regarding your cPTSD, but it might be better to clue him in that you're getting upset sometimes and need breaks from this. You didn't have the benefit of making this child inside you or of holding him since day one. At the best of times, a toddler can be a handful and can test ANY parent's nerves. I think you're pretty terrific for stopping and figuring out what's going on inside you, for the sake of the child.

It might also help to journal out all the feelings you're experiencing.

Also, maybe try to show your SS all the love you feel for him when you're not being triggered. Play like you wish your parents had played with you. Allow him to benefit from what you wish your childhood could have been.

Be jealous, but don't act on it negatively. Comfort your inner child with the knowledge that you DID understand what she missed out on. You can't give it to her in a literal sense, but you CAN show her that loving a child IS the right way for a parent to be. Sometimes, when you're hugging or cuddling or tickling your SS, you can quietly let your inner child know - this giggle is for YOU little one.

HUGS to you! This is a tough situation and I don't know if I helped. But, at least you HAVE been heard and your feelings ARE legitimate and worth talking about!

[Dee]

This reminds me of when I was watching my 4 year old nephew and my therapist suggested taking time outs when it gets difficult.  Tell the child we are taking a time out, and ask them what they are going to do during their time out.  Tell them what you are going to do and ask them what they are going to do.  That helped me a lot when my patience was wearing thin.

[Fightsong]

I don't know how figured out you were jealous of him but well done.  I had to have it pointed out to me and it hit like a cup of cold sick.

Once you know you can try and learn to spot it. And once you can spot it you can learn to predict it. And then you are laughing. Bring the trigger into your conscious awareness and the power is in your hands.  You can't help that it triggers you, but you can learn to read it. The power to say  leave the room, take a break, go and fold some laundry, allow another adult to do the dealing with. Kids will be kids in all their childish, noisy, delightful, playful, tantrumming delight. You cant really stop that - and arguably nor should you - its not their fault they trigger us.  But it is horrible. Really. So i feel for you.