Feel unsafe, simply having my clothes back at refuge- is this normal???

[Sienna]

Had an interaction with X at volunteering today. I was talking to receptionist in the office, and he said that he wanted to come in the office.
Of course, i felt unsafe and my heart is still pounding.

He said my phone contract -
which he has been paying (which i thought he was unaware of and after everything he did, i thought that was the least he could do),
will come to an end soon, and that he will pay for a sim only one for me as he doesnt want me to be with out a phone.
I said its ok ill sort it out myself, and that i don't think i can afford any contract at the moment.
I said i don't trust him to pay it...
He said thats ok...
i wasnt able to take anything in that he was saying, i felt trapped, and my heart was pounding. and now i cant remember the date he said the contract would end.

I told him i was waiting for my money to be sorted out, as i was going to take it out of his name and either pay it myself, or get a new contract / new phone..

He said, how are you doing? are you alright?
and i just said, I'm fine thanks, how are you?
Im not sure if he really cares how i am...is this a potential hoover?
Before when he asked this, it was like the old him, and i felt upset.

I feel shaken up..and i don't know if it might not sound like a big deal to you guys...but i feel unsafe.
I also cant be with out internet which i rely on my phone for, as well as texts and calls.
He said in the past, that you have to be careful with getting phone contracts etc as they try to sell you the most expensive,
and i get so anxious speaking to people about this stuff...
i don't want to get doddled.
I feel like a child. There are things i don't know how to sort out myself in this world and i need some help and support to find a contract that i can pay- i don't even know where to start and i felt quite panicky.

Last night-
i sorted through the stuff Friend dropped off-
i just wanted some clothes for winter as its September now...
and everything felt disorganised and i was remembering bad things that happened,
one trigger was -
the pyjamas i wrote to bed last night that i got out of the bags-
we had many arguments whilst i was wearing thoes pjs...
some things i threw out as they remind me of bad times.
My clothes were on my body and in that place i called *home* when all the bad stuff happened, its like they witnessed it all. It feels like everything i own is stained.

I felt unsafe having my things with me.
The only thing that is missing is *him* and i felt like he was in a way, in my room with me. Like he could just come and get me.

i feel like something bad is going to happen. Its like I'm back in the place again when i lived with him, and ive noticed since one woman and her little boy left the refuge-
i feel safer.
And in my experience- when i feel better- bad things happen and it all comes crashing down.
Its terrifying to think that i lived with him. That i was trapped there (i was trapped because i believed i was, and i didnt have much options for escape, should i have wanted it, due to my own life circumstances and not wanting to go back to parents-
and my own fears of being alone)

Whats going on?? is this normal to feel this way at having my stuff back?
any input would be appreciated...thanks...

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you're going thru all this! As far as whether your feelings are normal, they always are - feelings are not right or wrong, they're just feelings.

This is a pretty major development, I think, and in my opinion it's perfectly normal to freak out a little (or a lot). Having all your stuff with you kind of means you're really doing this.

Be extra gentle with yourself! You're making some hard changes, bravely.

[meursault]

You're doing really well with all this.  All the memories triggered by clothes and all that, plus standing your ground talking to him!  Three Roses is right!  Be extra gentle with yourself.

Meursault

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Sienna,

I think it's all pretty normal.
These are reminders of past times, and they were bad times. No wonder they bring back memories and triggers. You may want to sift through them and throw out the stuff you don't want to have anymore. Or you may want to put it all in a corner and not look at it for now. Or ever.
You may want to sell some stuff off, or bring unwanted stuff/cloths to a recycling center, or perhaps switch them for nice clothes they have on offer.

Your phone/internet: perhaps some friends have 'old' (smart)phones collecting dust? Or an old laptop with WiFi? Around here there are plenty of shops and cafe's that have free WiFi, so you could connect to the net there, no direct access needed. Take out a SIM-only yourself, it can be very cheap, especially if it's just for being able to call/get called. I have such an arrangement for my phone, and it's less than $10 a month. (granted, I have internet and a WiFi-router at home)

Good job on standing your ground, and asserting independence from him, even if it would cost you (temporary) loss of internet access. You're right for not trusting him to pay the bills, simply because you don't trust him. 

and stay the course: your course. 

[Sienna]

Thanks guys so much for your replies.
I am just surprised i guess, that i can feel fear (be triggered), by clothes, that i had to question it.

Yes Three Roses, i do think that it means to me, that I'm really doing this. I thought this when sorting through my things, and i thought that, having my stuff back now, might soften the blow if you like, of moving into my own place...so maybe its best its now.
And yes, feelings are not wrong...maybe how i should of praised it would be asking...if its normal to be triggered by this situation...
I felt noting when friend dropped my stuff off. That doesn't feel safe...but i felt numb. She even said to not look at having all my stuff back as a bad thing...

Thank you Three Roses...

[Sienna]

Thank you Meursault!
I hadn't even thought of the fact that i stood my ground with X.
His reply was...well, ive been paying your phone bill for this long...and i just said, that i thought he didnt know he was...but that i was gonna change it over to me when i had the money-
(he offered to pay it ages ago as i couldnt afford when we were together)
I do think, that sometimes, counter-dependancy comes in handy!

[Sienna]

Hey Dutch,

Thank you for being here - again, and thank you too for your suggestions.
I put all of the things i didnt want into the washing basket from x which i will throw out...
and i will give the other bits to charity / others who may want the bits.

I think i am going to get a sim only - thank you.

Good job on standing your ground, and asserting independence from him, even if it would cost you (temporary) loss of internet access. You're right for not trusting him to pay the bills, simply because you don't trust him. 
Thank you. Never again could i let myself rely on a guy to pay for me. I didnt feel comfortable with it then but he insisted. Now i wonder if my strive to be as independent as possible is a good thing - well, maybe in part-
because you never know what will happen in life, and you have to fend for yourself.

Thank you for letting me know that my feelings are normal. 

[Sienna]

Just a little verbal vomit.

It feels like the same feelings are crashing into each other all at once- over and over-
maybe I'm manifesting what is on my mind...
as after the clothes thing, X spoke to me...
I felt nothing at his *caringness* which he did whilst his girlfriend wasnt present...
but then i did feel sad, and i think i still have a longing for him to care about me.
Which is totally all about *me*- me wants and needs...
but yes.

i don't think narcs and definitely not all those with narc traits-
do things to be vindictive on purpose- like info out there says they do-
sometimes I'm sure- and out of anger-
but he believes he did nothing wrong- its his own delusion - and maybe he's not doing it on purpose-
so i wonder if he *does* want to know how i am...
but its little too late-
and even if he cares- he wasnt able to care enough at the time he put me in this situation...
so its too late.

I was never open with him much in our relationship, but when i came to the refuge, i wished he was just there with me to just at least know i wasnt feeling ok...
even though me not being able to tell him was a huge trigger in itself.
i felt so lonely- even though i was alone anyway with him. He was physically there, which didnt make much difference, but i felt less invisible in a way...
but more so in other ways.
After a while, i stopped wanting. Stopped wanting him to be there. It just went away, and i started filming myself talking- as though i was talking to him, only to discover, that i was outfitting feelings and speaking my truth- that i was never able to speak out loud to him...so it was more benefitical- but lonelier.
And then suddenly he appears. I would have given anything for him to ask how i was in my loneliest times.
Bit of a mind *

It has felt lately, that if i stumble across anything i wrote about our issues when i was with him, i am triggered so much reading it. Thinking about the past.
So i don't read much. i was curious when i found my writing, and time had passed so i wanted to see what id written.

Its very confusing. I have no idea why after talking to him, i felt that the ground could be pulled from under neath me in any second-
and he wasnt mean!
The fear- from speaking to him and from having my stuff back- was how I felt to be living with him. Something bad could happen in any second
I feel better today, but then i wonder if I'm in a false sense of safety and security...
If i take care of myself...bad things will happen....
and i wonder if I'm feeling this fear because I'm being punished by some great force in the universe for feeling a bit better lately....for eating a little more...for being happy sometimes...
No wonder - after the split and after that lady left the refuge-
i felt so ...numb...empty, and like everything just grinded to a halt.
Its scary to feel that way, but with everting, you just get used to it....

I guess, what I'm trying to say, if this fear is simply my own fear...
is that - its hard to believe that I'm safe, that everything will be ok...
today i feel fine. But its horrifying to think, that good things might not be around the next corner...