Ive always felt *lonely* and now, Im *physically* alone

[Sienna]

Im wondering if anyone can offer any advice on how to deal with loneliness?
I know Recovery a while back made a thread on it, which i have read.
And now I'm wondering if this loneliness is a flashback.
I have always felt alone, in groups, with friends, who turned out to not be proper friends so i ditched them.
Now I'm finding, that I *am alone*, and feeling lonely.

I don't speak to my FOO. and I have no friends. The only person i have is my therapist.
Since break up with narc X, i was round with friends at their house and they invited him over. I was terrified and just left.
Long story,but they were on his side, and i wonder if he had been telling them things. =
Never about his own behaviour - because he was in denial about that.
Or- he couldn't see that there was also a problem with the way he behaved. We both hurt each other, only he did extra stuff such as packing my stuff into bin bags and moving his new girlfriend in so i had to move out, despite him saying i could stay there whilst i sorted myself out somewhere to live.
(he is the one who ended the relationship- though i did push him away, so the relationship died a long time ago before it ended)
I am no contact with my X.
I stopped seeing these friends too, and one of them, i was sexually assaulted by.

So, what I'm trying to say, is that the way things have gone...
me attracting others who are self absorbed and not real friends who care about me...
My inability on my behalf to form proper connections and be honest and intimate with others...
And maybe my X screwed them up too so they I was the one who did everything wrong in the relationship ...
.And, me nearly making new friends but for reasons of mine...me being scared of that and pushing them away...and the way they have been quite hurtful to me...
I have know one.

Im too nervous at the moment to go out and meet people.
I was in a flashback yesterday evening and ended up drinking.
Then i work up at four in the morning and felt alone.
I don't think I'm feeling the aloneness as deeply as i could. I cant cry about it or anything.
Then this morning (its a four day holiday for me right now-not by choice)...I woke up feeling there is no point getting up. Its the same every weekend. Its like..this gray, empty feeling.
I do stuff to fill my time...such as going to the coffee shop and using my laptop- but there is only so much i can do, and i have no choice but to do it all alone.

Any advice?

[LaurelLeaves]

I understand where your coming from.  I once left my "significant other", and realized that most of "our" friends were really his friends.  I knew that I had to make my own friends, but I'm just terrible at it.   I started to look for friends online.  That's the easiest way for me.  That way we can know a lot of things about each other without really sticking out neck out and meeting in person.  Also, I am usually too shy to talk in real life.  Maybe you could check out forums for something you like to do, and see if there is anyone in the area.  There are places like Just Friend Forum and Not4Dating.com... maybe you find someone there. 

Or if you don't want to deal with friends at all, maybe you could take up a new hobby.  Is there anything that you would like to study or do that you haven't so far done? 

[Sienna]

LaurelLeaves,
thank you for your reply, and I'm so sorry that happened to you too.
Its such a hard thing to do - to leave. I wasnt able to and he did it for me, and in that happening, sometimes, we loose friends too.

Thank you for suggesting making friends online. I guess I'm terrified of going to a place to meet others. I find meeting new people stressful.
One friend, who I'm still on the fence about- who came into my life after my X, i felt uncomfortable with her because she wasnt a big talker like most I'm used to, and i found it hard to be myself. I know that is probably quite normal when you have had self absorbed friends. Its like I'm afraid to..show myself...sure i am..i mean, in a conversational way- to talk about anything to do with my own life no matter how light hearted. Its hard filling the *space* that, if, were an equal conversation...should have been my mine.

Maybe when i feel brave enough i will check those out- thank you very much.

And studying...umm. ok..thanks.
Did you try any of your suggestions ie. meeting others online...?
I think i also need to learn how to sit with these feelings of loneliness. They have probably always been there. 

[Sandstone]

I can relate to having self absorbed friends. I always seemed to attract certain friends with qualities i really didnt like. I used to think i was just being a bad judgemental friend. Now i realise each one had characteristics of my mum, she couldn't be trusted and i never trusted my friends.
Now i have one good friend who lives far away but she loves me unconditionally its taken me 14 yrs to see that.
I think this healing journey is a very lonely path. But i see it as its clearing the space in my life until im ready to attract the right kind of healthy friendship.
Iv recently enrolled for two short courses in college. Im 42 and didnt finish school and have basically been stuck ever since. So these courses are a huge thing for me. But im looking forward to it.
As for real life, i dont know how or when or even if ill find friends but id rather be alone than surrounded by the wrong people still feeling alone.
I hope u can find a place to sit with ur feelings and become more comfortable about being alone. I believe the universe provides when we are ready to receive. Hugs

[LaurelLeaves]

Did you try any of your suggestions ie. meeting others online...?

Yes I did.  I did find one very good friend that way.   We talked online for about 6 months before we ever met.
   

[Sienna]

Hey Sandstone

I am so glad to hear that you do have one good friend who has stuck by you and not given up on you.
With your other friends, sounds like you repeated a pattern there.

Yes, this healing journey is lonely. I just thought, or hoped, that once i cleared the negative people out of my life, that there wouldnt be noting but empty space left.
I feel i had no choice in leaving them behind...but um i guess it just sucks.

I guess you have to be ready to attract other friendships.
Im not even sure if sitting with this and being alone is what i need, because, maybe it partly is...to access these feelings that i have probably had since i was a child - the loneliness...
but i am counter dependant, so lack of support and dealing with stuff on my own is what I'm used to.
Apparently healing doesnt come from being alone and apparently everyone needs support, so I'm not sure that being totally alone is even healthy.
I can't even put into words what the feeling is...its just a lack of something...stimulation maybe..because i don't allow myself any emotional support at all from others.

I am glad to hear about your courses and i hope you enjoy them and that they go well. I do find that having things to do in the day ie. volunteering / working...helps but doesnt help the deep relational stuff.

I know what you mean, when you say you'd rather be alone than surrounded by the world people. Being surrounded by them was so lonely.
Maybe I'm not craving human connection, maybe I'm craving something to do?? I don't know.
I find the pain of being alone...different than how it feels to be alone around others...but i don't like the alone ness either.

Thank you so much for your reply. I hope you meet less negative others one day. 

[Danaus plexippus]

since you are already into volunteering, try an animal shelter. Animals need to be socialized too. If someone does not take the time to show them people can be trusted, they will never learn to exhibit the behavior that will eventually get them adopted. Maybe you're a dog person, maybe you're a cat person. It doesn't matter, take your pick. You get all the oxytocin benefits from cuddling an animal in need and the satisfaction of making the world a better more loving place. https://youtu.be/35T8wtmTbVg https://youtu.be/Z2XJx3mpDU8 https://youtu.be/bG5fFI3eorg

[Three Roses]

That's a great idea!