Ending Relationships with 'Family'

[BeHea1thy]

I have a 39 year old relationship with a 'step' sibling. Our parents who married in 1975 are now deceased; my Father in 2001, her Mother in 2012. Both were dysfunctional; mine was an alcoholic, her's was a stoic woman who lived in denial of herself and her life. I'm sure I have many of my Father's attributes, and she certainly has residuals of her Mom's.

Our contact over the decades has been mainly unsatisfying to me. I have reacted in a general 'foggy' way, with the emphasis on fear. I've seen glimpses of her anger and do not want to be on the receiving end. Objectively, she would not be violent, but the rage she displays with others scares me. She give gifts with strings attached. I'm expected to do favors continually. I feel used and used up. I'm also angry at myself for allowing her to manipulate me. My own needs for a close loving consistent female relationship blinded me to acting on reality. That's my biggest fault, and gets me in the most trouble!

She is moving out of state in a week or so. I know I will never visit her. I've written a tentative letter describing as well as I can; how our relationship is a mismatch of needs, and that my expectations are different than hers. The conclusion is that I want to end it. I've used 'I' statements throughout, described my feelings, remarked on my expectations of consistent sharing and how that is more authentic to me.  I've kept it fairly unemotional, not using provocative words, and stuck to a handful of examples, rather than air a long laundry list of grievances.

When I think of her, it inevitably brings me pain, more and more since her Mom died. I've wanted more than she could or would give. I don't necessarily want to never respond to her again, or pretend that everything is fine, because that's my old role. I'd like to see this an as opportunity to grow, learn and practice new relationship skills.

[schrödinger's cat]

That sounds bittersweet. I'm sorry that things didn't work out. From what you wrote, it sounds like a good thing that she's now moving away - it's like a natural end to your relationship. All the best to you, BeHea1thy.

[Rain]

to you, BeHea1thy!   I'm glad that helped!   You have the love in your own heart.

[lostinspace]

Thank you Rain for your comments to behea1thy. I never fully understood that expression, "blood is thicker than water". I do believe our chosen relationships are stronger than our birth relationships!   
Although my father always told me "no one loves you like your family".
Both can't be true; one has to be a lie. It's also true that some people do not meet our needs. As painful as it can be,  we might need to let them go.

Glad you are here behea1thy!

[lostinspace]

My father made me so angry as a child, but I wanted so desperately to hear the truth, that I truly meant something to him. I recently wrote a letter to him, sent it by "snail mail". I told him in the letter that I wanted more praise from him and less criticism. That was over two months ago . . .
I found OOTS by hearing about the website OOTF (out of the FOG ) through my brother. He is researching narcissim and whether my father has this PD. I hope not, but , all indications are that he does. Anyway, I found help for me . . . Thank God!

[lostinspace]

Thanks Rain. I do believe it takes some time to heal. With CPTSD these issues did not arise overnight. So we cannot expect to rid them in a day.
One big success has been to live with my symptoms until I can understand and do something about them. The lingering effects of CPTSD
can affect us for a while longer than we'd like. Relief will come if we hang in there. Thanks again for all your great support and the support of this forum.

[Rain]

You are absolutely correct, Lost  ...the road in to this place is long, as is the road out.

It is an honorable Journey, and we end up growing ironically past the general public in emotional intelligence.   The silver lining, as Pete Walker calls it.

It will be okay.

[lostinspace]

What a relief.  If we only just hang in there, Rain.