I can't just say no

[Dee]

I've just gotten divorced and I have absolutely no interest in dating.  Men I know have started to ask me out.  I don't want to go on a date, but I just can't say I'm not interested.  I keep responding to text and make up excuses why I can't go each time.  Or worse I'll say yes, then cancel with a lie.  I stress myself out, and it isn't fair to them.  I am afraid to say no.  I don't know what I think will happen if I do.  It was easy when I was married to say that I was married.  Before I was married I ended up sleeping with every guy I went on a date with because I couldn't say no or stick to it.  I couldn't say no to my husband.  It's not why I don't want to date now, but I have no doubt I have not changed much in the last 20 years.  If I were to be alone with a man I would end up sleeping with him and not wanting to.  What is wrong with me?  I need to add the word no to my vocabulary badly.

[Three Roses]

 

If you're anything like me, you're just afraid of not pleasing people or upsetting them, either because you don't want confrontation or rejection.

Instead of replying, maybe you could ask for time to think about it - it might be easier to say no if you don't feel pressured.

Or, you can give yourself advance permission to say "no" whenever you want, to whoever you want.

[Danaus plexippus]

Do you go out with groups of friends, or double date? Do you avoid drinking and drugs when you go out? Have you worked on this with your T? The world's a lot more dangerous than it was the last time we went out dating, but you shouldn't let that isolate you. Be upfront. I tell guys "I don't screw around, I don't play house, I was married for 32 consecutive years to the same man. I know the difference between married life and screwing around and I'm not interested." Believe it or not it really is possible to be just friends with a guy. You don't have to put out. If you do say no and then never hear from the guy again, well he was not your friend. I think I might want to get remarried some day and I don't want a whole lot of history going on between now and then. https://youtu.be/0bcEqesnOQo   

[Dutch Uncle]

I've just gotten divorced and I have absolutely no interest in dating.  [...]
What is wrong with me?  I need to add the word no to my vocabulary badly.

Nothing is wrong with you.

It takes practice.
Trial and error.
You'll get there.

[Danaus plexippus]

You can't say no and I won't say yes. It's just too dangerous, too many con-jobs out there, too many diseases, too much risk. If you are not ready to date, don't. You are mourning the death of your marriage. It's a real thing, like the death of a person. Give yourself all the time you need to grieve the loss of your dreams and plans and everything you hoped for with your x.

People are more understanding and considerate of widows than they are of divorcees. It's not fair, but then neither is life. Take your time, date if and when you are ready. Respect yourself. Worry about being fair to you, not a bunch of vultures trying to nail you on the rebound.

My husband has been dead for 10 years now and I still haven't got it on with another man, but if a friend that I trust asks me out, I'll go out. I'm not the merry widow, but I'm not depriving myself of a social life either. Just give yourself time to find out who you are now. What do YOU want? Join a support group for divorcees and/or get a T you can address your issues with. Life goes on. It did for me, it will for you.

[theaquarist]

I hope you aren't too hard on yourself. Dutch Uncle is right, trial and error. You will get better at it. Practicing dialogue has helped me over time. I had a problem like yours, I've slept with people I haven't wanted to either. I'm really not proud of it and I am hard on myself about it too. But one trick that always made a difference was to practice the words in your mouth that you want to use before you enter the situation. I would practice at home and in the car before getting out. I would practice saying "No", "I don't want to do that", "I understand but it's not going to happen"
Just trying out those words makes me feel more confident and helps me trust myself more. It feels good. Just a small but effective option to try