wrapping My head around abuse!

Badmemories · November 04, 2014, 09:08:48 AM

I am at the point in My journey that I am thinking about the abuse from My Mother, her Husbands, My Sister, My nephew, My husbands, My current Husband, and really about the way I don't take care of Myself.

Sometimes I don't even understand WHY I don't take care of Myself...I got a cold a few weeks ago... I mostly just suffered through it for over a week, and then it dawned on me that could take a over the counter medicine.

I mean why didn't I think about OTC medicines? I really think a lot of self care things for me are JUST NOT THINKING ABOUT ME!

Then I have accepted that I was abused by My Mother and her husband #2, then how can I still be in denial? I am... I tell myself it was not as bad as some cases I have read about. Why do I do that? More and more memories are coming to light. I was definitely abused. I realize that many of the problems I had in MY life were caused by abuse/neglect etc. The training I received to live with a PD personality. The defenses I learned Myself to try and be "normal". Or maybe just the things I had to do just to survive.

I had thought that I had forgiven My Mother for all she has done to me..but still more and more comes out of the woodwork! Then I wonder... how could I have been FOOLED FOR SO LONG?

It is hard to accept that Probably My Mother never really did love me! I mean She used to word LOVE... but not in a normal sense of the word!

This link was posted on out of the fog. http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html
At first I read the link fast... then I read it slow ... then I toke the time to study it...Wow! In a nutshell these are all the things My Mom did to me! I did not have time to copy and paste the whole thing and then underline ALL the crap MY MOM ( and her hubby #2) did to me! I have studied Narcissism on the OOTF site... in fact I have studied it at great length...for some reason tonight MAYBE it hit home!

Keep on keepin on!

schrödinger's cat · November 04, 2014, 01:54:40 PM

Thanks for the link. Whoever wrote that text clearly knows how to write. It's very evocative. Quite often, texts about PDs etc are so abstract, they end up feeling a bit too clinical and sterile, and that makes it harder to tell if it applies to you.

keepfighting · November 04, 2014, 04:10:15 PM

....once you start spotting the patterns of NPD behavior, you see them everywhere. Can't unring the bell...

It's good that you're sitting back; listening and observing (someone bring the popcorn!). I kept being friends with a female uNPD last year for the sole purpose of learning and understanding the typical behavior (she's an overt NPD like my dad). It's fun from a distance....

About taking care of yourself: I totally understand where you're coming from. We learned to take care of other's needs, not our own, and I personally sometimes have trouble even recognizing them let alone taking care of them. So when my T told me to be extra nice to myself, she might as well have been talking Chinese for all the sense it made to me. I didn't know how to do it, honest! So finally, I found a way to do it: Ask myself the question: "What would I do if DD or h or anyone else had this problem?" - and then do for myself what I would do for another person. Felt weird but nice.

Good to have you back, bm!!!

kf

lostinspace · November 10, 2014, 05:33:06 PM

Hi , I am new to this site and to the concept of cPTSD. It has occurred to me that there might be a problem when my mother said to me, " you are too 'high-maintainance' for me." I was in my mid forties. It may be me, but that struck me as odd! I always felt I was more than my mother could handle. I am still learning how my social needs are more necessary than food. That is so contrary to the way I grew up with food our primary focus. How do things get so mixed up and confusing?

Rain · November 10, 2014, 05:45:21 PM

Hi lostinspace, you sure found the right place to add to your healing. Your mother was hurtful ....

You deserved love and nurturing ...hardly "high maintenance" ...instead that WAS HER JOB, both of your caregiver's JOBS.

Things get "mixed up and confusing" because you were lied to. Lies.

Things clear up much more when you realize the lies ...that you were lied to. Glad you are back, lostinspace.

Sandals · November 11, 2014, 11:50:53 PM

Quote from: keepfighting on November 04, 2014, 04:10:15 PM
....once you start spotting the patterns of NPD behavior, you see them everywhere. Can't unring the bell...

Agreed - it's like some sort of sick game for me now - gauging to see how much narc is in a person. Not that a certain amount isn't healthy, but there are so many people that are way beyond that.

Badmemories · November 29, 2014, 12:38:23 PM

I used to call My mom when I was Young a bi45h! She really was, It has got better now that she is older...Sometimes when I separate the abuse and control and how it affected me, I sometimes thank her in My heart though. I was so awfully intimidated by her that I didn't DARE get into much trouble. The early 70's were pretty turbulent and I know many people that ended up in Jail!

Whobuddy · November 29, 2014, 04:24:49 PM

Quote from: Badmemories on November 29, 2014, 12:38:23 PM
I used to call My mom when I was Young a bi45h! She really was, It has got better now that she is older...Sometimes when I separate the abuse and control and how it affected me, I sometimes thank her in My heart though. I was so awfully intimidated by her that I didn't DARE get into much trouble. The early 70's were pretty turbulent and I know many people that ended up in Jail!

I can identify. Hiding to get away from the Awful may have protected me from the Worse. Feeling the way I did back then probably made me vulnerable to people that would have gotten me into a lot of trouble.