Creating healthy boundaries to avoid triggers

[echolocation]

Post removed at request of member - Kizzie

[Three Roses]

For me, Al Anon has been a great support, showing me ways to establish boundaries and hold fast to them without feeling guilty. Well, I should say, while encouraging me to not feel guilty because sometimes I still do. I keep my side of the street clean, and expect others to keep theirs tidy too. I sometimes have to deal with their crap touching my crap but it really has helped a lot.

Becoming aware of when I'm having an emotional flashback has also helped, so I can take steps to counter it. Reading books like "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" and "The Body Keeps The Score" have also helped by giving me with options how to deal with things.

But I'm relatively new to this and have my first appointment with a therapist soon, so maybe those are all obvious. Anyone else?

[movementforthebetter]

I am not that far along in my recovery yet but I anticipate having to deal with the same situations at some point. What I have noticed so far is that only those who are non-judgemental or have also dealt with their own trauma have been supportive without stepping on my toes. I have one friend thst kinda one-upped my situation in public but I wrote it off because I don't want it to distract me from my progress.

I think ultimately you will have to decide what's worth "fighting" to you.

On Out Of The Fog they talk about the 3 C's... I didn't cause it, I can't change it, and I can't cure it. It's not a perfect fit but I think it might be useful as a mantra. While you have shared family connections and might have to see them, applying this rule to them may help you to enforce your boundaries without guilt. Additionally, the OOTF tool medium chill from the toolbox sounds like it was made for people like this.

Good luck!

[Dutch Uncle]

Hello forum,

I'm new to the site and grateful this group exists.  I'm having issues with people not respecting reasonable healthy boundaries I've established.  Whether it's a personal relationship with a SO or certain family members, some people just seem to ignore whatever boundaries I have set to maintain a calm existence and avoid unnecessary triggers.  They are aware that I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD and what triggers me, yet nothing seems to change on their end.  I realize that I need to change my response to them, but it's difficult when I feel like I'm the only one working on modifying my behavior.  Has anyone else experienced this and if so, what helped in getting people to better accommodate some of your needs?

I have also had issues with people gaslighting me or taking advantage of my condition.  I've found that some of those who I have disclosed my condition to have a way of using it against me and use it to their advantage as a form of manipulation.  As much as I'd like to avoid these people, sometimes it is impossible due to a shared family connection.  What works in responding to such situations?

Hi echolocation  and welcome. 

At this point in my recovery I have come to understand that no matter what, there will always be people who cross my boundaries. This goes from the unintentional boundary-busts (f.e. someone new I meet who doesn't know my personal boundaries) to the intentional, i.e. people I have made aware of my boundaries but who are oblivious or just mean and/or tease and/or simply harass me.
Learning now how to set and maintain boundaries does not, and will not, mean my boundaries will never be violated. Alas.

If you have to deal with these intentional boundary-buster-people, there are some techniques that can help. AS movementforthebetter has said, there is Medium Chill, Gray Rock and Observe, don't Absorb (see also: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9TzYV3SiqQ)
Reading your story here, it seems this part of Medium Chill is paramount to start practicing:

1. Don't share any personal information.

Don't volunteer details about your life or your feelings. Everything in your world is perfectly OK, normal and uneventful. Tell them nothing, ask them nothing. Conversation is nothing more than pleasantries about weather, traffic, news etc. Engage in the type of conversation you might have with a total stranger while waiting for the bus.

When communicating a decision you have made (should you deem it necessary to share in the first place) do not share your thought process on how you arrived at your decision. It is none of anyone's concern.

Practicing these techniques can be hard, or in some cases impossible. The latter has been my experience in a few cases.
What I certainly have learned that after a Medium Chill / Gray Rock /Don't Absorb encounter I have always needed time to 'cool off' still, and repair the gaslighting that went on, feel again in the safety of my privacy, if need be rage or cry or whatever what I could not do in the moment (as that would only have aggravated the situation).
In other words: these techniques are only useful when triggered, and should not be continued once the triggering situation has ended.

[Dutch Uncle]

I have reason to suspect that both of these people may have NPD and are now using my diagnosis against me as a manipulative tool to gain leverage.

It's notoriously difficult to diagnose an NPD, even for professionals.
But I think it's safe to say your sister is indeed using your diagnosis to gain leverage, i.e. painting you black. Whatever the 'reason' behind it, it doesn't really matter that much.
Practically speaking.
Emotionally speaking it's a different thing.

I'm doing my best to set boundaries, but so far neither of these people are respecting my wishes and rather manage to make things worse.  As a result I am working to distance myself from both of them with the sister being more difficult to avoid due to having our parents in common.

They may never respect your wishes with regard to your boundaries,
they may start to respect them when you put your foot down (i.e. make them suffer some consequences)
they may start respecting your boundaries after you reiterated them a couple of times.
It's hard to tell from a distance.
But if they truly are NPD (or any other cluster B personality disordered) chances are they thrive on crossing boundaries/pushing other peoples buttons (no matter who), it's what they always have done in their lives, and it's what they'll continue to do.
In the latter case, the best you can hope for they get bored pushing your button's/boundaries (since you pretend not to care anymore), and they'll move on to somebody else to harass.

Another question I have is how do you know who is safe to trust your diagnosis with?  When I share this information with people, it is for people to better understand why I am the way I am and that I am working on healing.  Also I believe it is only fair for those I am closest to know what I am dealing with.   I just never imagined that it could be used against someone in the ways I have experienced.

Unfortunately, it's hard to predict who is trustworthy or not.
As a general rule of thumb, it's safe to say that those who have abused you in the past and/or are abusing you now are NOT the people whom it's safe to share your diagnosis and path to recovery with. They want to keep you where you are, and in many cases: they want to keep you where they have brought you to to begin with. Intentional or not.