Seeing things clearer *possible triggers not sure*

[Sandstone]

So all these years iv been angry with mum and with good reason as she was neglectful and made lots of poor decisions. But a few days ago i actually opened my eyes and saw for the first time how abusive emotionally my dad has been all my life. What is shocking is that i seem to have been brainwashed all these years. I suppose it was deemed as normal to me.

I have realised i have always tried to please him but always fall short. Iv never been good enough. Nothing iv done has been right. He never has a nice thing to say about any of us and is always sarcastic and condescending. Iv walked on eggshells ally life. If i ever bumped into him i always felt like id done something wrong.

I cant believe i have protected him and stuck up for him all this time. I am the closest thing to my dad and the only person he trusts. Probably because he has moulded me for so long.

He has always bailed me out with money etc and theres always something i need from him it seems. Its all about control.  He talks to me/mum/brother like crap absolutely no respect.

No wonder i have zero self esteem. I blamed mum ehich of course she had a part in but never saw it from my dad! How blind was i?
He gaslights, he stays quiet, goes in moods, drinks heavily then kicks off.  Doesnt matter how many times you tell him it affects you he still does it.

Im now starting to make all the connections and i am no longer going to be comtrolled by him. I know its not going to be easy but now im aware i feel a bit stronger.
No wonder i have attitude with men and authority figures. I take it out on everyone but the person responsible 

I havnt had any anger really since i was diagnosed but u know what, i can feel a little bit starting to come through. How dare he treat me this way!

Anyway i just wanted to share with you my light bulb moment while i start to process what it all means.
Thank you for listening. Xx

[Three Roses]

I remember feeling a bit shocked when I realized I was angry with my mom, whom I'd always thought of as more of a protector. As kids we at least needed one person in our corner, right? So I think I grew up thinking of them in terms of black-and-white, good and bad.

As I realized that I was angry with her, I could also see the ways she had abused/abandoned me.

[movementforthebetter]

I am still working through this myself.

My rage has alternated between both parents at various times in my life.

While in many ways my dad was the "sane" one, he literally abandoned us to our mother and so was never a constant in my life. He also had lifelong substance abuse problems. He quit drinking but never quit smoking pot.

Subconsciously I thought he left us because we were not good enough, so spent my life trying to prove my worth but never living up to my own standards.


I never felt safe to open up to him while he was alive, and now that he's gone it's something I am still facing to this day in my relationships with others. I also have problems with authority, especially if I can't respect the authority figure.

I still hold some anger towards him, but not much anymore, since he's dead. There's no point for me anymore. But I definitely have some grieving left.

[Sandstone]

Hi Three Roses,  yeah i always looked at my dad as the one who made an effort with me seeing as he got a place to live so i could live with him at 15 when my mum had had enough of me  (They have been divorced since i was 12) even if it was only next door to mum lol.
But thats when he used to drink 6 nights a week and come home get me out of bed and shout/rage at me if i hadnt washed up. So really he just had complete control of me i suppose. Just cant believe i didnt see it all before. Better late than never for us tho xx

[Sandstone]

Hi movementforthebetter,
Im sorry you also had to grow up believing you were never good enough. What a lasting legacy for us all eh. Im not sure ill get anywhere by talking to my dad and one day it could be too late for me too. I wish you all the best (if thats possible??) with your grieving xx