Hard to Accept I have CPTSD

[Awilson2891]

I am new to this forum, although I have read it for a while. I was attacked by my ex-husband and when I called the police, they were not of much help. For the past 2 years, he had me believing it was my fault. After that night, I could not figure out what was going on with me. The serious emotional mood swings and the weirdness was so strange. One minute I was fine then I was not. I saw a few different counselors, and they did some talk therapy, but it wasn't very helpful. Of course it want helpful that I was still in contact with my ex. Earlier this year, I saw a psychologist, and when she started talking to me, I literally thought I was losing my mind. I could not figure out what was going on. I am finally with a trauma specialist who has diagnosed me with CPTSD. Found out that I was dissociating and having serious anxiety. It is weird because I feel like every time things start to get better, they get worse again. I feel like I work through some issues, but then they come back up again. But, I can say one thing- for the first time in 2 years I realize that I did not deserve to be abused and that it was not my fault. I find myself trying to explain things to other people, but they just don't get it. This is horrible. One day I am so motivated to recover, the next I am angry and hopeless. I really do hope things get better. I find myself starting to do things to get better, and then withdrawing from them.

[Three Roses]

So nice to meet you! We're glad you're here.

Yes, a common complaint among us is the "just put it behind you" comments. If it were that simple, do they not realize we would have done that already?

Do you know about Pete Walker? He's an excellent source of information and methods to deal with Cptsd. His website: http://www.pete-walker.com.

Our Resources tab is another good place to poke around. And definitely swing by the Guidelines  (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1616.msg10035#msg10035) to get more handy info on postings and our rules of conduct. 

Take your time, get familiar. Thanks for joining.

[MarkD67]

Hi Awilson2891, it is hard... even harder to find professionals who understand and can help. It can be scary and isolating, but i have slowly learned to trust me and how i feel/felt. And YES!!! It wasn't my fault.
It gets better. YES, it does!!! I hope you get hope from this forum. We can come out of the shadows and slowly learn to stand proudly in the sunlight. There are lots of great resources written about here. Pete Walkers IMHO probably the most useful, (at least is has been for me). Read, read and read more.  Don't give up.  Welcome...

[Kizzie]

Hi Wilson and a warm welcome to OOTS   

Recovery can be a bit of a bumpy ride especially in the beginning so one way to look at things might be to focus on the fact that you are having days that are better, when you feel motivated and get things such as  "for the first time in 2 years I realize that I did not deserve to be abused and that it was not my fault." That's a big realization and step forward even if the next day you take a step back and feel confused again     And anger is not a bad thing, it's a self-protective instinct we all have and that for many of us got pushed down, turned inward.  If you have a read through Pete Walker's material as Three Roses has suggested he talks about the importance of anger in healing.   It may be a bit of a seesaw kind of feeling now, but keep looking at those baby steps forward, they do add up!