Feel like giving up..and T.

[Sienna]

Guys, i don't know whats going on. Maybe someone has an idea here?
Havent been able to write about this for a week, due to feeling frozen when it comes to talking about it, and due to self destructing. (i know it doesnt look like it because I'm writing this post)

Last session with T, felt invalidated.
Told her i felt shame when i was rejected by this guy who i liked (he found out i liked him)
He touched me (before he knew about my feelings for him) and i told her and T said nothing. He shouldnt have done that if he didnt feel the same way about me.
I said that i think in my head, that *he thinks I'm too young* (outer critic i think), and T said,
*He was probably worried about what other people would think, i mean the age gap is big*
after i already told her session before that, that i couldnt tell her how old he was because she might think it was weird.
Is this an invalidation? Her jumping to his feelings, rather than understanding how *i feel* and what *im thinking?*
She said that its normal feeling how i said i felt- shame- when rejected.
I left feeling invalidated and thats why i said i was leaving her in my red flags therapist thread on here.

I stuffed my feelings that night and drank after the session.
I was upset that i might have to leave her.
I didnt acknowledge my feelings this week, thinking that there is no help...i felt so uncomfortable i couldn't talk in that session...so i didnt explain all of the story, and all of my feelings, but the bits i did say...she ignored and invalidated.
I decided to quit this healing journey. She wasnt helping me form connections and understanding about why i felt so terrible after this rejection and she didnt validate.

Then my dad phoned me and i answered because he never rings and i thought it might be important.
He invalidated me by telling me how i should feel, with out me having to say anything about how i was feeling. I would never tell him anyway, because he is invalidating.
I self harmed after talking to him. My rage was so intense.
Then i started to deny everything in my head.
My parents didnt do anything etc.

Saw T today.
I needed to see her before i made my decision to leave, and i thought that if she invalidated this session, i would get up and walk out. (if i didnt freeze)
I invalidated myself in season before she could.
I couldnt talk about anything *honestly* because i thought she would think its stupid and invalidate it.
Cant remember what happened, but she was on about shame and anger.
She said that if we have been taught we are worthless and shameful, ..cant remember...
and i said...
*why didnt you say that last session, when we  were talking about the rejection?*
and she said:
*oh, I'm sorry, i always assume you know everything so i thought you'd know that. Sorry.*
(She says I'm very psychologically minded a lot.)

I wanted her - the session we talked about the rejection-
to help me to understand where these intense feelings were coming from - why they were here.
She didnt, and i lost trust in her that she knows how to work with someone with CPTSD.

I did know that, but because she normalised my feelings - brushing them aside saying we all feel like that when rejected-
i didnt go on to the other feelings i had been having such as emptiness...
so i didnt get any insight to my puzzle and i also didnt talk about the other feelings because i thought she would invalidate and, or, brush them aside and offer no insight to them.

She got that i was feeling hopeless from our interaction today.
But I'm not sure she understands exactly why as i couldn't tell her out right that i was mad at her and why.

She said she was glad that i came today, as i said i wasnt sure if i should have come...
but i don't believe her.
She does this. She is invalidating one week, then great the next...so i don't trust that it was just all in my head because this week was better- because it *always goes back around*.

I don't know why I'm self destructing - a flashback??
Why am i denying everything?
What should i do? i can't talk to her cos I'm worried shell lie.

ok this post was way too long.
ill figure out what to do.

[Three Roses]

No, your post wasn't too long ... you needed to get that out, so you can process it.

Sienna, I really hope you don't leave your therapist. It is a struggle, that's for sure - and it's guaranteed to be painful, we didn't get this way without pain either. I like the analogy of having to fix a broken bone that's healed wrong, the doctor typically has to re-break it and then set it correctly, so it can heal right.

There will be those therapists who cause pain that's not restorative and we for sure need to watch out for that - check up on what she's telling you, either here or in doing research online or in your favorite recovery book.

Sometimes they don't need to know the whole story to be able to see what's going on, and to be able to help you. If what you most need from her right now is just the chance to tell your whole story and have her witness it, be sure to tell her that's what you need.

If she's great sometimes, I'd hate to see you leave over a misunderstanding.

[radical]

Hi Sienna,
Really sorry you are going through this.

In a rush, but with the time zones, I wanted to say sometihing quickly.

I talked to my T about issues related to feeling invalidated, recently.  I found it really empowering, and the response was a great relief to me.
I don't know if your T is right for you, but I'd like to talk more about approaching this really hard problem of how to talk to our Ts about our relationship with them, and how to talk about it - what belongs to who, what we need, how they feel etc. 

Hang in there.  No matter what you are okay, and there will be a way through, with this T, or not.  It may not be much consolation, but we here at OOTS are here for you, and across the interwebz and, often, thousands of miles, you have people who do care.

What I most wanted to say is what a terrifying feeling it is to feel this way when you already feel so tramatised and alone, and how hard it is to trust yourself to do what is right for you, and to know what that is.

Gotta go.  Hugs

[Sienna]

Hey radical,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, even though you were in a rush. I really appreciate it - so nice of you.

Really sorry you are going through this.

When i talked to my T about this before, she said *what do you want me to do? Make a song about it?*
and i just sat there, stumped and frozen. All i could say was, *no*.
So im afraid to bring this up with her again.

Im so glad you and your T talked about this. I hope it helped you.

Hang in there.  No matter what you are okay, and there will be a way through, with this T, or not.  It may not be much consolation, but we here at OOTS are here for you, and across the interwebz and, often, thousands of miles, you have people who do care.
Thank you so much.

What I most wanted to say is what a terrifying feeling it is to feel this way when you already feel so tramatised and alone, and how hard it is to trust yourself to do what is right for you, and to know what that is.
I have no words. Thank you for your understanding. You hit the nail on its head here, and i felt less alone reading that.

[Sienna]

Three Roses,
Thank you for reading my post.

I have read online, that therapists sometimes break you in order for you to be able to build yourself back up again.
I asked her if she does this, if she says things to trigger me so that i can get angry at her...and she said no, she would never intentionally do that.

I know. Im not sure if its just a misunderstanding. But ive lost my notes of *red flags* and i don't know if its me or her, and I'm fed up of trying to figure it out..even though i wrote this post.
I feel like I'm loosing my mind. Im so confused about everything.

Thanks Three Roses.

[Sienna]

Last night i started to remember what she said to me in session- some bits of it.
I didnt write any notes on the session as usual.
I cant even explain because i cant ... and I'm not sure why.

We were talking about my X..who i believed was a narc...and i said *when he left*...as he broke up with me, and she never pulled me up on this before...so maybe she only did because i said...*god, i keep saying when he left...i mean...when we broke up* (thinking i sounded silly)...even though he broke up with me..
and she said that he didnt leave, i left him...the relationship was dying anyway...
and i left him by emotionally closing off.
She has never said that she is sorry about what happened.
So then i thought , that maybe she thinks its my fault.

She said i blame myself because its easier, but i started doing that in session because she said that i left, and she asked me if i also hurt him.
I said yes.
That evening it dawned on me, that maybe he didnt *abandon me*...i mean, he threw me out in a really awful way,
but now I'm thinking that i deserved it because of the way i treated him.
I started smoking, and i would smoke instead of nit picking at him in the way my mother picked at me...
and i went to therapy to try to change.
Yet, the wounds that i caused my partner were too great.

I dont know if its right or wrong to think that i deserved everything i got...
but my head is telling me that i do deserve it.

Maybe all the stuff he did at the end of the relationship, was his attempt to hurt me in the way that i hurt him, even if i didnt mean to hurt him, i still hurt him.
He is the one who should be receiving emotional support after everything he has been through with me, and i don't deserve to be in this refuge.
People don't know me. They don't know how much like my mother i am...
and I'm starting to deny that my mother did anything to hurt me. And my dad.

I realise that i pushed partner away...but was that also because of the way he was?

At volunteering, we go to the allotment on thrusdays, and X didnt go after we broke up.
People thought he was being considerate and giving me space.
he brought his new replacement girlfriend to the centre despite asking me how i felt about that (he brought her and moved her in to our house when we broke up so i had to leave)
and i said i wasnt ready to see them together yet, but he did it anyway.
So i believe he shied away from the allotment because there were people there who were supporting me and who were disappointed in the way he treated me.
And these people understood if i didnt want him to come bak to the allotment group for a while.

I am still on my mission to self destruct, so i said to X today that i want him to go to the Allotment.
I am just going to bow out, despite how he hurt me after the break up. The only thing i did is say i didnt want him to come to the group with this new girlfriend. (of him on his own)
Do i deserve him to come to the allotment, despite what he has done, because during the relationship, i hurt him too?

Its like i don't want the best for myself.
And i cant help it. Its like this cloud is over my head that wants to destroy me. It may be anger tuned inwards, but i don't have the energy to figure it out.
I have no energy left.
I distrust everyone and cant help burning bridges.
I think people are abandoning me but maybe theyre not. And then i feel just...crazy.
I cant figure this out and have hope...because what if the hope doesnt last?
T said she is sad that I'm so sad. and until she said that, i didnt realise i was sad.
I don't know why I'm sad, apart from knowing that this feeling started when i thought i might have to leave her.
I cant think straight, and i feel angry, and as thought i am going to cry...all the time.
either that, or i feel numb.
just wanted to get that out, as i have know one in real life i can talk to, and I'm so good at hiding things, that people don't notice.

[Three Roses]

If I could I would give you a real hug but here's what i can give you instead - 

No matter what context it was in, "What do you want me to do, write a song about it" seems an awfully unkind thing to say.

You do not deserve to have hurtful things happen to you! You are worthy of kindness, respect, and happiness.

You say you are on a "mission to self destruct", and I really hope you abandon that mission! And put yourself instead on a path to healing and hope, because you do deserve good things in your future.

My heart hurts for you. Like you say, sometimes I can't remember things clearly or talk about them; it's like a wall comes up or something. I was just reading how one of the speech centers in our brains goes offline when we remember trauma. But other areas come online, "rekindled as if the trauma were actually occurring." (Page 44, 'The Body Keeps The Score'.)

"Its like i don't want the best for myself.
And i cant help it. Its like this cloud is over my head that wants to destroy me. It may be anger tuned inwards, but i don't have the energy to figure it out."

I totally relate to this statement! Why don't I want what's good and healthy for myself? It's a mystery to me. Maybe because I've had to believe the lies people told me. So maybe now it's time for us to start uncovering the truth and seeing that we are "good enough" people, just like everyone else.

Hang in there, kiddo!  

[Sienna]

Thank you Three Roses for the hug, and for being so nice.

Ive never talked about that before...about what T said.
I was so careful how i said it to her. but i think that maybe her own insecurities came out...and i don't know if its my imagination or not...
but i sensed that she liked the silence that came after she said that. It was like...she was evil.
My mother used to say things like that to me.
Maybe T was invalidating in that moment.

In fact, i did write about it on the red flags thread i made, and know one wrote that they thought it was wrong like you did.

Since this T...and the invalidation the session (after the one where she said that thing), i have gone back in recovery and lost all hope because i thought that i would have to loose her.
I never thought i was this attached to her, and instead started to distrust and loose sight of why i thought i had to leave her, and thought that i was self destructing by leaving her.
I know ill be ok as when i leave others, and when they leave me, i just go numb and don't feel.
So i down know why i cant do it. I do want it to work but i worry its all in my head- this ..stuff.

I told her last session that i had given up acknowledging my feelings and used a lot of denial and invalidation against myself in that session...
and she said maybe its a good thing to not care about stuff, and that i just need a break.
I was doing better before i took this break (Ive been abandoning myself- thats what i mean by break), and i started doing that since the session two weeks ago when i felt invalidated by her.

you understand the wall! yes, its like a wall comes up and you cant get past it.

My heart hurts for you. Like you say, sometimes I can't remember things clearly or talk about them; it's like a wall comes up or something. I was just reading how one of the speech centres in our brains goes offline when we remember trauma. But other areas come online, "rekindled as if the trauma were actually occurring." (Page 44, 'The Body Keeps The Score'.)
Thanks. and thats really interesting. Makes sense to me.

"Its like i don't want the best for myself.
And i cant help it. Its like this cloud is over my head that wants to destroy me. It may be anger tuned inwards, but i don't have the energy to figure it out."

I really hope that one day, you will want whats best for yourself. And i hope you can see the lies for what they are, and that you can not believe them one day.
Thank you so much for your post. I hope you are right, that her comment was not ok to have been made. I do feel a little relieved that you also think this..

[Danaus plexippus]

I remember saying this in some thread somewhere. After I related an especially freaky EF to my P doc he replied "What do you want from me?" I realized he didn't have what I needed. I left him. I had no guarantee the next doc wouldn't be even worse. I questioned my judgment and perception of the situation. I went ahead and switched docs. So far so good. If you left your current T would she take you back if you wanted to go back to her? Bad as she is, Is she better than nothing? How hard would it be to get a replacement T? Do you have the option of starting the process now?

[sanmagic7]

please believe me when i say i'm not attempting to invalidate anyone, not their thoughts, feelings, or emotions.  and, i'm not trying to take the side of the therapists, either.  being a therapist myself, i was also attempting to listen to what the therapist might have been saying and why.  i'm reading all this confusion and mistrust about therapists, and it hurts my heart that there is so much inconsistency for you when it comes to your therapist, sienna.  you've talked before (on your red flags post) about feeling validated one session, invalidated the next.  i'm really sorry to hear that.  i truly am.

can you talk to your therapist about this feeling of being invalidated?  about your confusion?  i know that if a client of mine was going thru this, i'd like to know.  sometimes we, as therapists, don't quite know, either, what might be a trigger for a client, and what might not be one.  the therapeutic relationship is just that - a relationship, and sometimes, especially when a client is confused him/herself, we can also get confused about what our clients need from us. (danaus, that might be why that question was asked.  i don't know, just guessing). 

if the therapist gets confusing messages from the client, s/he may attempt to define what the client is saying (as in, 'i'm sorry you're sad', or that you left him instead of the other way around).  this is not to say that anyone thinks it's your fault, sienna, that the relationship didn't work.  no pointing of fingers, no blaming, no shaming.  i know that in my past, i've had relationships that didn't work out simply because the two of us didn't 'fit' together.  often that was because my own issues as well as his issues didn't mesh well when we were together.  it was like we left each other, even while we were still together.  but, i have dropped out of a relationship emotionally, which is a form of leaving, while still physically with him.  and, whoever i might have been with at the time has done the same.

the idea that one person leaves another can be taken on many different levels.  levels of commitment to the relationship can be different.  levels of expectations of self and other can be different from both parties.  levels of how long do we keep trying can be different for both.

this can happen in a therapeutic relationship as well.  usually, a good therapist will attempt to meet the needs of the client, but may not know exactly what they are.  i've had to tell my therapist exactly what i need from her (if you recall, she's really young and green and new to the business.  her heart is in the right place but she just doesn't have much experience).  i don't know if that is a possibility for you. 

i've also had to tell my therapist the difference between ptsd and c-ptsd.  she kept referring to my situation in ptsd terms (mainly because c-ptsd is not in the diagnostic manual) until i finally told her that wasn't my problem, and explained the difference.  she had been clueless, but she's all i've got here, so i'm making the best of it.

i hate seeing you go through this agony over and over, sienna.  confusion is such a maelstrom of feelings, thoughts, emotions, and it's difficult to pick our way thru them to know which are real, which are false, which feel good, bad, or ugly.  i do hope you can find some level of 'fit' ness with this therapist or another, if you choose to leave this one.  i also hope you can find your strength while in a session, and learn what you need to know so that you can continue to move forward on your path of recovery.

by the by, when i think of taking a 'break' from all this, or when i've talked to clients about that, i've meant it as just let the hard stuff go for a day or so, just watch some comedy, laugh with a friend, enjoy a movie - basically, give your mind a little time off.  this stuff can be so difficult, so overwhelming, and we can get lost in it.  to take a break from it is just to find some enjoyable part of something that can distract you for a while, let your emotions rest. 

i hope you can find some peace within yourself with all this.  that would be great!  as someone said, hang in there.  we're all hanging right beside you!

[sanmagic7]

by the by, sienna, on another board, you asked about my funerals.  i lost that place, was having a tough time, didn't get back to you on that.

my funerals basically are acknowledging everything and everybody in my life that have been lost to me, or that i needed and didn't get, allowing me to actually focus on them, and feel the feelings that i hadn't otherwise done.  i pick an image of a funeral arrangement of flowers (flowers are one of my favorite things), put it in my journal and on my desktop.  i write everything i think and feel about it, anything and everything that comes to mind, and if emotions come up, i deal with them appropriately (like, if i feel sad, i let myself cry.  if i feel angry, i go pound on my bed and let all the cusswords out.  if i'm alone, i'll be very loud.  otherwise, i'll say them in my head), and allow the image to stay on my computer desktop until i'm done grieving.  but, it's there every day to remind me, and i think about it for a bit.  when it loses its punch, or when something else comes up, i'll put something different on my desktop.  and, when i need a break from this, i'll put something beautiful, relaxing, calming on my desktop, like a woodland scene, or a rose, and just let that be until i feel ready to have another funeral.

but, yes, doing these funerals have really helped me alleviate the sadness that i've been so full of and didn't understand why.  acknowledging what i've lost has been grounding for me, has allowed me to see the reality of my situation and accept it, and move on from it. 

sorry it took so long to get back to you on this, and i know this is a thread about something entirely different, but i wanted to answer you and i just lost the other place where you had asked.  peace to you, sienna. 

[Sienna]

Danaus, I'm sorry that happened to you. That is awful and really insensitive.
And its so great and so brave that you left him.

What you wrote made me think...that..if T didnt do what i thought she was doing or rather- not doing - regarding lack of emapthy-
it could have been an emotional flashback,
an emotional flashback in which she didnt recognise could be one-
one in which, if it did exist, she ignored and instead was defensive.

Thank you for your questions.
If i left her, i could go back to her perhaps.
She talked about that. If i stick with her and other trauma memories surface after finishing therapy far in the future, she said i could go back to her if i wanted to.
I guess it depends on how i leave her, if i choose to leave.

Bad as she is, Is she better than nothing? -
I don't know. Maybe. But i also don't like feeling...confused or hurt after sessions. I don't know if i can do it, and i don't know conversely if i can be with out her...but i know i can...as much as i might not like it.
Even if something is really painful and hard, I'm realising that ..whilst it sucks to be a alone...im doing it...so i might have to opt for the less desirable reality.

I could get a replacement T.
I just don't know how to ... spartanlifecoach has a video about that...and told us where to do to find a T, and what sort of T to ask for- as in what they specialise in.
I am just worried that i wont choose the right one...that ill find red flags and question if its me or them if i am in therapy with another person...and just encounter more confusion...
and the thought of trying to start again and trying to open up and trust another person seems terrifying to me. And i don't know if there are any where i live, because a doc told me there was none here when i wanted to go on the NHS list...i only know the small practice where ive been going.
I may one day. But i just cant.
Now i totally understand why No more fear needed a break before going to another T after her bad experience with one.

[Sienna]

Hey Sanmagic7...
Are you really worried about me feeling invalidated because of that time when you posted and i said that?
I want you to know that i really appreciate your questions and for making me think.

Its great that you are or were , a therapist...all input is great and that from a therapist is really helpful too!

i'm reading all this confusion and mistrust about therapists, and it hurts my heart that there is so much inconsistency for you when it comes to your therapist, sienna.  you've talked before (on your red flags post) about feeling validated one session, invalidated the next.  i'm really sorry to hear that.  i truly am.
Thanks. I just worry its in my head.

I would talk to my T about this...but last time i brought it up, even though i feel that i did it extremely sensitively for fear of hurting her feelings or knocking any confidence she may have had...she said...
*what do you want me to do?? Write a song about it?!*
and we just sat there in silence...i sat frozen and just muttered...*no*.
I flashbacked to my mother saying things like that, but she didnt know or, she ignored the fact that i froze. I don't know if she could tell it might remind me of something...or that i felt shame.
She seemed defensive and cold...

I didnt explain that i understood what T was saying about me abandoning my X during the relationship.
Just when i said something about him...she said..but did you hurt him?
and i said yes
it just felt invalidating. maybe i don't deserve validation because hurt him.
Even if i didnt intentionally hurt him, i still hurt him..so my feelings don't count.
And i didnt do any of the awful things he did at the end of the relationship.
I didnt do anything.
So because i felt invalidated, ...i cant remember what i said to her, but she said i am seeing it as being all my fault.
She said that we didnt fit. She said we were the same, but outwardly were different...but i don't think and she doesnt think...that i am codependent...but instead, counter dependant, so we didnt work.
I don't know if i closed off to him emotionally because of the way he was with me.
I was that way to begin with, due to past experiences...but i wonder if the way he was with me didnt help me to be more open and honest with him.
I think that i was in a double bind with him. I couldn't do anything right, even if i did what he wanted.


I know that she might not have understood or known what i needed from the last session i had this week with her...because i didnt explain stuff and i didnt say.
But i cant, not after the way she reacted, and also due to feeling invalidated. 



Thank you for all your good wishes.

Oh yes, i knew what she meant by *i should just take a break*.
I said to her that i hadn't looked at my feelings this week.
She asked how it had been going.
I said it was fine (which was a lie)...and i didnt tell her that i was on a self destruct mission in neglecting how I'm feeling.
I havent been doing so greta since i started ignoring everything. (self abandonment i guess).
But maybe she didnt want to smash through my defences so she didnt say she knew that.
Instead, she said that i should take a break from looking at stuff.
But looking at stuff is what kept me going.
I feel i don't have anything with out this healing journey.
I guess she reminded me of my dad.
Its a long story, but i told T once what dad said, and she said he didnt accept me as i am, and that he was telling me to not seek the truth, and to stop looking at things and to just have fun.
She said he wanted me to be like him, to burry my head in the sand because he cant accept that mum hurt me.
he denied anything ever happened, and my X set this up. Dad wanted know what was wrong, and i said it was to do with the past, not knowing what to say, when i realise now that it was also to do with the way partner was treating me.

I just didnt explain to her properly. I see that now.

Thanks so much for your input and for making me think, Sanmagic.
Also, Im sorry that your T isn't knowledgable about Cptsd, i hope this wont get in the way and i hope she can learn and help you properly.
Im sorry she is the best you have at the moment, and i hope that it can work, and if not, i do hope you will be able to find someone else. 

[Sienna]

San magic, thanks for getting back to me on your funerals.
Its totally ok that you didnt get back to me. I know its hard to do that when your having a rough time.

I like how you make it like an actual funeral. It is, i believe. Its a death of something.
Its like, you are setting, not a time frame, but like..a reminder to come back to it.
Because when someones died, you know they have died, it stays with you, you are grieving.
Maybe with what you are doing, it has always been there...so my thinking is that, maybe you could ignore it or forget about it.
I might be totally wrong, and i am not in that place in this journey that you are.
But to me, putting up flowers to remind yourself of your losses, maybe makes it more real?
You sound very brave to me to be doing this.

but, yes, doing these funerals have really helped me alleviate the sadness that i've been so full of and didn't understand why.  acknowledging what i've lost has been grounding for me, has allowed me to see the reality of my situation and accept it, and move on from it. 
Thats so great.

Do you mind me asking, if you have triggers that bring up the need to have a funeral?

i just lost the other place where you had asked. 
Thats ok. Im glad you got back to me about it.

[sanmagic7]

  *possible triggers in here*

from what you're saying, or what i'm hearing you say, it sounds like your t can be insensitive at times.  the 'writing a song' statement didn't make sense to me, i can't think why she might say something like that, it doesn't seem to fit at all with what you said.  just seemed weird.

i've never heard the term 'counter dependent' before.  new one for me.  i do understand about people just not fitting together, in which case there is no blame to be laid, it's just a mis-fit.  that kind of thing happens a lot, i think.  and people often hurt each other in a relationship, either intentionally or unintentionally, so that's usually a two-way street.   what is more concerning to me is the feeling you had that you were in a double-bind situation with him, that no matter what you did, even if it was something he wanted, it wasn't right.  from my experience, both professional and personal, those kinds of situations are crazy-making.  they make you feel like you're crazy, and the other person could even help that feeling along, especially if s/he says things like, 'it's all in your head', or 'no, that's not the way it was', or 'you don't know what you're talking about.'  not a good situation at all.  it sounds like it might be a good thing you're out of there, altho, no, he didn't need to do anything nasty on his way out.  that's uncalled for.

and then, he's parading a new girlfriend around in front of you?  that's just being mean.  i don't think he's a very nice person, and you deserve better.

as for my funerals, my tendency all my life was not to allow any so-called 'negative' feelings, especially anger, sadness, jealousy, opinions, personal discomfort, hate, and that includes anything that might make another person uncomfortable.  i was programmed to take care of others first, always, no matter what might be going on with me. 

so, at this point in my life, i'm finally not only allowing, but encouraging any types of feelings that i wasn't allowed to acknowledge, because i realize now that i have pushed them all down into my body, and my body is now very sick because of doing that all these years.  my funerals, even tho they may be painful, are necessary for me in order to get at all those feelings that i should have been able to express at the time, but wasn't allowed.  i am now allowing myself to have my feelings, and part of them have been buried for a very long time.  the funerals bring my losses, whatever they might be (for example, the childhood i needed but didn't have, my mom, my dad, what i needed from each of them but didn't get, the people who are no longer in my life because of the issues i've had with them, my beautiful little house that i had to leave, the gardens where i grew flowers and veggies for my family, the fact that my family has been torn apart - and on and on and on).

my life has been built on attempting to deny, to forget, to let it go, and that strategy has only gotten me sicker.  so, i'm doing something different now.  i'm facing it all head on, and it's very emotional, sometimes painful, often exhausting, but ultimately, i'm feeling better because of it.  i'm going to keep at it until it's all emptied out of me, out into the universe where it belongs, cuz it doesn't belong in me.  for most of my life i thought it did.  not anymore.  my latest is of a new-ish relationship with someone from my past, we hadn't been in touch for 50 yrs.  i thought it would be fun, happy, shining, a light in this darkness i've been going thru these past months.  a distraction.  we've only been back in touch for about 2 months, but i already know that he has turned out to be a not very nice man.  i don't want him in my life anymore.  the flowers for him are on my desktop right now.  they've been there a few days.  it's almost time to move on.  and, if i hear from him again, i'll tell him that i don't want to hear from him anymore.  still, it's a loss, and i'm sad it didn't work out the way i thought it might.  so, i had a funeral for him.  and, i'm glad.

and, yes, i was concerned that with what i was going to say you might think i was invalidating you or taking your t's side, and i wanted to make it clear that i had no intention of doing that.  but, i'm glad you responded to that, and i won't worry about it anymore.  so, thanks, sienna.  and, good luck with your decision about your t.  i don't know if it's in your mind or not, cuz i wasn't there, wasn't able to hear voice tone or see body language.  couldn't feel the vibe.  if and when you can talk to her about it, and be straight with her and get a straight answer from her, i think you'll have more valid information for yourself.  otherwise, i think you'll just keep guessing.  my opinion only.