Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

Ugh. The WORST insomnia tonight.

I finally got the mess with my medical results sorted and was going to get them first thing in the morning but now I have rescheduled the appointment for Monday. (TG for online booking) I don't want to wait but at this point what's a few more days. Looking forward to sleeping eventually. It's times like this I wonder about bipolar again. But tonight I blame the full and very bright moon, summer heat, and my better-late-than-never period.

Found this article fascinating. Intend to reread it when rested. https://sapac.umich.edu/article/anatomy-trauma-0

Nights like this all efforts to quiet my mind fail. But I will try again. It's almost dawn and my summer sleeplessness usually fades come morning.

[Danaus plexippus]

You reminded me of a teacher I had in Art School. He derived pleasure from making the girls in his class cry. He chose a few golden children from the boys in the class. They could do no wrong. I knew I and some of the other ladies in the class were way more talented than they. Every class this teacher would slither around the room heaping praise on the boys. He would them pounce on a woman at random tear the paint brush from her hand and slash a big X across her work, while howling "NO, expletive, expletive, expletive!" As soon as he got one of us to cry, he would go back to praising the boys. It didn't take too long for me to realize this teacher was a sick Fu*K! I ditched his class till I got called down to the office and ordered to go back. He watched me enter his class like a spider watches a butterfly. He waited till I had set up my easel, squeezed out paint on my pallet, and started to make a perfunctory effort at the assignment de jour. Then with a coldly calculated stare of contempt he said "What are you doing here?" I replied with my very best smart @ss tone of voice "You ordered the front office to tell me to come back to your class." to which he replied "do you want to be in MY class? I answered with all the venom I could muster "Noooooooo!" He flew into a rage! Veins bulging out of his neck and his temples. Skin red as a beet. Howling "Get out! Get out! Get out! as he made his evil way through the maze of easels and other students, I grabbed my stuff and split before he could reach me. I could see one of the other ladies starting to cry and I shed a tear for her. If I were more of an activist I would have led a formal protest against the low life misogynist. I should have. I regret that I did not, but I had other priorities at the time. Older and wiser I now realize sometimes it takes more than just setting an example. Sometimes risking personal loss for the greater good is the right thing to do.     

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks for sharing your experience, Danaus. That must have been awful for you.

I agree that sometimes personal risk is for the greater good. I'm at a point in my life where I don't have anything left in my pantry to give, though. I used to get involved in situations to "fight the good fight", particularly domestic disputes which you find EVERYwhere when experience forces you to be in tune with them. Eventually a cop told me I had to stop asking women if they were ok because I was risking being beaten by their partners myself by getting involved, even though no one else would, and even though there was real reason to fear for the women's safety. People exhaust me and I don't know how to tune these things out. I live in a big city so my only options are call the cops, play loud music, or leave myself.

[movementforthebetter]

I finally had my appointment to get my test results after the year-and-a-half waiting, wondering, fearing, and dealing to derermine if I had a disease that would have needed further surgical interventions coupled with other agressive treatments.

Clean bill of health.

I am so relieved and yet I haven't been able to be happy yet. I have been tender since the weekend. Told my GP the outline of what's happening in my life and sobbed my way theough the whole thing. This is what I thought might happen - being unable to stop the feelings once I really get in touch with them. I told her it would be nice to try to be med free one day and she said given my history and severity and based on her experience it was less likely. I guess that's ok. I will try to accept it with grace because who knows what the future holds.

She reccomended some resources for me but admitted based on what I said, the resources might be a bit too simplistic. I know I am on the right path now. It's just so hard the past few days that I can barely think about it without crying.

At least one of the most pressing and constant worries I had is off the table now. Hopefully permanently. It changed my life and started me on this road, so I'm sure once I've had time to process everything I will be thankful.

[movementforthebetter]

I was surprised tonight by bf wanting to talk about our relationship. He wanted to know if there was any real chance that therapy could address our issues. He was totally open and rational and we were able to have the conversation I wanted to for ages. We will break up. I guess we are broken up now. He's not going to make me leave. I won't make him leave. It's a bit deja vu but feels true now so hopefully we can make this work.

We had so many good times together and I told him that. I told him about all my trust and communication issues and the healing I need to do and he says he understands.

It's painful, but it's right for both of us.

This has been another heck of a week.

[movementforthebetter]

TRIGGERS in this post for death, domestic violence, and abandonment.


annnnd cue insomnia. I am such a light sleeper that my dreams often wake me even if I went to bed tired.

Insomnia usually hits me between 2-4am. It usually happens after a sleep cycle or at the tail end of a dream so most of my dreams don't resolve. I never considered that the dreams themselves migjt be waking me. Is it possible to be so hypervigilent that I scan for dangers from my own mind?
I do wonder what the waking time means. The dreams themselves are usually not good but not what I would classify as nightmares.

I thought about where else it could come from. There's 3 likeliest incidents and the unknown.

Incident 1 was at an unclear age, between 7 and 11. It was winter and my B and I attended a care program at our school. The end of the day came and everyone left but us. We went to our daycare worker Dana's house with her. We had no idea what was happening. She had a kitchen decorated with cows and 1 or 2 yorkies. She fed us and we waited. Eventually my F came and picked us up. He took us to his place and told us his coworker and friend, Mike, was dead. We knew Mike and his kids. I think Mike was an alcoholic along with my F. Mike had killed himself and my F had found him. I remember him saying Mike's dead and I remember crying.

Incident 2 was me and my brother being woken by a neighbour in the middle of the night and going downstairs to find my M with several people and the cops there. My F had beaten my M outside, below our bedroom windows. Apparently she had been screaming "bloody murder" but my B and I slept soundly through it. I have the feeling inside me that she resented me for sleeping through it. I was 10 or so I think.

Incident 3 was around age 13-14 when I was forced to change schools because my B was being bullied and my M decided that we would go to the same school despite there being no reason for me to change. I was being bullied too but I guess not as bad or I just didn't talk about it. Anyway I lost my friends from that school. A few I had gone to elementary with. I started my last year of Jubior High in a new school. I used to wake up rarly and go for walks by myself. I'd stop at 7-11 and get a can of iced tea and a bref jerky. And so my eating alone to cope with my emotions started. My weight shot up as I hit puberty late. Didn't fit in at the new school either. As I transitioned to high school I chose a school with my friends over the school I was better suited for simply because I couldn't lose more friends again.

Incident 4 was the night before we were to go on a trip across the country to see family. My B and I were going to sleep in the living room of my F's duplex and right before bed my F told me that the oldest sister of my childhood best friend had been killed in a car crash. We had moved away long ago and I was not in touch with her anymore. I laid awake all night, unable to sleep. I was between 14-16.

None of these incidents are on my EMDR target list.

[movementforthebetter]

TRIGGERS in this post for sexual assault.

EMDR session 9.

Was tired today because of the emotions of the last week and the talk last night. My I told my T that I felt like I am really starting to get her similie of recovery being like an Everest expedition. I told her about my 1 really good day and then how I felt down for a few days after. That I wrote down my good realizations so I could re-read them on days I need to. I told her about the clean bill of health and the conversation from last night, which had been literally years in the making.
Yesterday was the closing of two major chapters of my life: my cancer scare and my relationship. From here I am almost totally free to return to the homeland. I just have to be patient a month or two more while some civic obligations are settled. She stressed that what's happening in my life is major progress even though nothing has changed on the surface yet. I was able to have the difficult conversation I was most afraid of. I stood my ground and I mostly enforced my boundaries over the last few months. I hope soon I can feel more positive about it. For now I am pretty drained.

Today's EMDR was not as highly charged as other ones. I believe I had already been processing it over the last few weeks. We dealt with my sexual assault by an ex boyfriend. I think I have written about him previously. I broke up with him and during a fight punched a hole in a door. I was afraid and wanted to leave or wanted him to leave. He said he loved me, asked me to marry him. He preasured me to have sex one last time. I didn't want to but relented. I cried after. I felt that I had betrayed myself. Me crying was the image I associated with the memories.

The phrase associated with the memories was "I am worthless". I felt anxious and felt my chest and throat tightening. My heart was racing. After an interval or two my heart was just fluttering and my legs were twitchy like I wanted to run away. Eventually these sensations melted away and I felt angry at myself for not standing up for myself, and angry at him for obviously not loving or respecting me.

I came to realize that in the past I had no other skills to cope with such threatening situations, and so when someone invaded my boundaries, I let them. It's a pattern that continued with each boyfriend right up until now. If only I go along with things, surely my loyalty would be repaid, my agreeability recognized, and my love returned. I started critical of myself but ended up feeling compassion for younger me who got by the only way she knew. I have learned from my mistakes. And I know now that I must respect myself regardless of someone else's actions. I am not worthless. I have choices. I can stand up for myself because my rights will always be equal to another's.

I ended this session with a lot of residual tension. I am still feeling it and working it out. It will be a day of gentle activity for me tomorrow.

I still don't really understand why men treated me so poorly whether I stood up for myself or not. It must just be that I picked men incapable of loving me the way I needed to be loved. Hopefully that pattern will be broken now.

[movementforthebetter]

Possible TRIGGERS in this post for drinking and childhood sexual trauma. Definitely highly personal details.



I am trying to get into a new sleep hygeine routine. I want to put all my chattering worries into a box and shut them away at night to see if it helps me sleep better. I had trouble visualizing doing this last night so tonight I may try it by physically writing my worries down and placing them in a box I have.

I drank last night. I don't drink all the time, but with exbf it was often enough that I worried sometimes. I am 9 times out of 10 a happy drunk. So this time it was with a gf and it was really good to cut lose because life is stressful and friends help me keep it in perspective. Now that I am starting to feel my mortality, drinking interrupts my already fractured sleep which is a shame. I have toyed with the idea of sobriety on a more consistent basis but honestly would miss that happy drunk me. I rarely come to that level of care-freeness without outside help. Anyway, because of drinking I slept even more poorly than normal. So here I find myself after about only 4 hours sleep, with a stomachache, thanks to drinking and dinner. Two indulgences! I'm not the sort that thinks I need to earn food or drink, so moderation is difficult once I get rolling.

Anyway one thing I want to get out of my head is a thing I have been doing for a long time. Maybe since childhood? At least in some form since childhood.

Sometimes when I can't sleep I masturbate. When I can, I go right to orgasm, but sometimes I just do it until I get sleepy. That's how I ended up getting to sleep last night. Masturbating started pre-puberty for me. Like by the time I was seven, if not earlier. I was aware of pleasure from stilmulation even earlier, I think. I don't know if that is uncommon for that age or not. I don't think it's coincidence that this comes up after procssing my sexual assault by that exbf.

Finally tired again. Will expand on this later.

[movementforthebetter]

Ok, reread my last entry. For clarification, I did not masturbate while journalling! 


TRIGGERS For S.A. CONT.

Did a little covert googling. Found a very reassuring article from a Dr. saying childhood "masturbation" is very normal exploration and starts around 2yrs old. It said children know only pure pleasure and curiosity about it. There could also be physical or emotional reasons children do it. The article stressed parents should not call negative attention to the behaviour.

Cue my parents doing just that in regards to my early sexual exploration, casting shame throughout my life. And then my F abandoned us. So hmmm. It does seem to explain some things.

My low self-esteem and fear of enforcing boundaries are both tied up in a need to avoid further shame and abandonment, my goal was always to secure love and safety.

In the past I tried too hard to please men but sometimes was shamed no matter what I did or specifically because I engaged in acts they wanted. Never mind if it was mutual, if I was enjoying myself or not, or was experimenting with them for the first time, I was not respected, only objectified. I was taught that a woman's exploration, pleasure, and sexuality was wrong from childhood on.

As time went on I became less healthy and engaged in more degrading and risky experiences, leading to a bf sexually assaulting me by forcing me into degrading sex after I explained I wanted something gentler. From my father's porn I saw at age 5 to what I would say was at least date rape for the second time approx. 10 years ago. I dissociated during that incident and have been dissociating from time to time during sex since then.

The thing now is to remember that all of those messages and experiences were wrong, but my interest, exploration, and expiriments in sexuality were natural. I can chose to handle situations differently now. And not to deny responsibility for my own choices but when looking from start to finish, this is one of those times where it wasn't me that was wrong or broken, it was the world.

Thanks to the EMDR sessions on my sexual traumas I see how all those patterns fit together now. I believe I can avoid repeating them in the future. I still believe I can explore my wild side, but I am going to have to be a lot less hurried and a lot more choosy about it.

[movementforthebetter]

I am writing here to try and get a little more objective perapective on my life. The last week plus has been an emotional rollercoaster.

I ended my relationship after a friend leaked my plan, found out my plan to move in with another friend fell through, on the cue word of the same friend and out of exhaustion suggested therapy and suddenly was not broken up anymore, realized immediately that wasn't going to work for me and broke up again when we had a more mature talk a couple days later, had a confusing job non-offer and non-start-date just a few days apart, continued practicing driving and will take the test soon, did emdr, have spent quality time with 2 friends, have gotten 2 freelance ops from friends, felt like therapy is starting to sink in and I am putting the story of me together at last,  formed up some exit plans, and got another job interview, and am living with my ex for the near future.

I wrote that all as a big chunk because that's how the week feels. I know that I will forget the sequence in the future. Despite everything, the only crying I did was in therapy,  during the breakup and once more on the weekend. I somehow mostly got done what I needed to like errands, bills, meals and toothbrushing. I also journalled throughout and managed to go deep on some major stuff.

What I could have done a bit better on was self care. I went 3 days without showering this week due to stress. Finally did it today. I stunk and I knew it! I also didn't hit my walk goal everyday and haven't done physio on weeks.

I have done yoga almost every day and I successfully chose fruit and chocolate milk over ice cream several days in a row. I did eat pastries 2 days this week. I started practicing some new therapy tools and hope to keep with them. I also successfully turnd around an anxious wakeup today by treating myself to a really nice breakfast and coffee (1 x pastry) at a café and changing up my walk route.

Overall I am giving myself one of these for making it through the week. 

[Dutch Uncle]

 

[Three Roses]

 

[movementforthebetter]

Lying in bed with a hedache right now. The whole right of my head, jaw, neck and sinus is sore. Hoping it goes away soon. Suspect it's from tension.

Had a few hours alone last night. Did some recovery work and reading. Linking this very valuable post because I will need to come back to it: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=4523.0


Managed to trigger myself pretty badly while reading Dutch Uncle's recovery journal. He mentioned his experiences with the SCID II which I needed to look up because I didn't know what it was. Then morbid curiosity set in and I wondered if there was an online version of the test... There is. No idea how it compares to the original. I now think all online mental health diagnostic tests, even "for entertainment" ones, should just refer you to an md rather than give a result. Probably avoid a lot of panic that way. This version had disclaimers, but I think people would be better off if the disclaimer was all you could get. This one at least said it was environmentally sensitive, so the results could be quite different depending on where/when/why it was being taken.  It seemed to me to be geared to the workplace. So I took it keeping my past job in mind. And wow the results were terrible. According to it I was highly dependant, avoidant, histrionic and borderline, and moderately narcissistic. What a slap in the ego. Spent the rest of the evening convinced it was true and that all my posts here had exposed me recently and that was why I wasn't getting much response to my posts lately. Silly of me. I am quite gullible.

Eventually I threw myself a bone and wrote something positive even though I wasn't totally convinced. I do feel better today except for the physical, which might be after effects anyway.

[Dutch Uncle]

Managed to trigger myself pretty badly while reading Dutch Uncle's recovery journal. He mentioned his experiences with the SCID II which I needed to look up because I didn't know what it was. Then morbid curiosity set in and I wondered if there was an online version of the test... There is. No idea how it compares to the original. I now think all online mental health diagnostic tests, even "for entertainment" ones, should just refer you to an md rather than give a result.

Yes, they should.
As for the SCID II: It's in two stages. First is filling out the questionnaire, and then there is a long interview, two hours if I remember correctly, where I was asked more in depth on some of the answers I had given.
Then the results were discussed in a team of psychologists before an actual 'result', diagnosis was presented to me.
So based on my experience, an online test can never come even close to the process I went through, as I think the whole diagnosis hinges more on the interview and subsequent feedback from the team, two of whom I had talked to before. So in fact I was assessed by three psychologist whom have had a personal contact with me.

Now, with the danger of me interpreting your online SCID II story as a non-professional: if these "highly dependant, avoidant, histrionic and borderline, and moderately narcissistic" traits only show up at work, you do not have a PD. To 'qualify' for a PD, these traits would have to be present in most parts of your life.

What a slap in the ego.

I hope I'm not adding insult to injury (which certainly is not my intention), but that made me chuckle.
Mostly because I can relate to that feeling.
I bet your Inner Critic ran off with it too, no? Cheering and celebrating while you had just received a knock-out. Oh boy, did your Inner Critic felt validated by the SCID II results. Or am I wrong?
I might be. My Inner Critic would do such a thing.
I think my Inner Critic was deeply disappointed I didn't have a PD, and that all the traits of PD's I did show were all tied to my FOO.

Well, enough about me, excuse me for butting in, but I felt I had to say something about the SCID II I had.

PS: Pretty brave of you to take an online SCID II.

[Three Roses]

That sounds a lot like the headaches I get. A washcloth soaked in hot water (not too hot to burn), applied over the eyes and nose, while you breathe in the steam from the washcloth. The times I most get those headaches is when I'm trying to control my emotions.

I don't reply a lot when you're posting in your journal as I don't want to interrupt your journaling. Come to think of it, it seems replies in general have sort of tapered off.

I haven't taken the SCID II, I'm afraid to.  I'm sure it's very triggering so I'll steer clear for now.