Dee's Recovery Journal 10 - Trigger Warning

[Dee]

I like the idea of keeping a journal because sometimes I feel like I am not making any improvement.  The work is slow and hard and I often just feel despair.  Maybe this can help remind me how far I have come, even though I know I have a long way to go.

What I am recovering from (officially):
CPTSD
Anorexia Nervosa
Major Depressive Disorder
Alcohol Use Disorder

What caused it:
My father sexually abused me from the age 9 to 17.  It got really bad at 13 until I tried to kill myself at 17.  My dad confessed and was given a 30 year sentence, he was in prison for 9 years.  I have no extended family, my mother was totally dependent on my father and supported him for financial security even while he was in prison.  My sister left home at 15, when I was 9, and didn't talk to me for over a year because I exposed the family.  Now, we don't discuss it.  She says to forget about it.  Almost homeless, I joined the military, a recruiter saw how desperate I was and was able to get me in despite a suicide attempt, for a price.  That went on for months, until I went to basic training.  My first supervisor assaulted me and two other women.  He was charged but there was significant retribution.  I was married to an extremely controlling, emotionally abusive man for 20 years.  I can't begin to say how bad the control was.  There is one thing however, that I have not ever disclosed to anyone.  Maybe, someday I can do that here.

What I am working on in therapy with possibly the best therapist ever:
Boundaries
Assertiveness
Cognitive Distortions
Intimacy
*
Perfectionism
I also work with a dietitian on normalizing eating, gaining weight, and exercise addiction.

Accomplishments:
I have gained 20 lbs (9.07 kilos).  10 more at least to go.

I got divorced

The other day I set a boundary and was assertive when I told my nephew I would not lend him money.  I am making small improvements like telling my sister not to poke me to get my attention.  It seems so small but it was a big deal for me.  I also have not answered phone calls from my mother lately.  She screams at me and demands money.  She uses guilt about how I ruined her life.  She has a gambling problem.  Guilt is something I struggle with on so many levels.

[Three Roses]

Hi Dee, hope it's ok to hop in and comment

First of all, congrats on all the progress! It's hard work making changes, and you're doing it!

I struggle with guilt too - why is it that we are the ones left holding the guilt bag when we're not the ones who were abusive? We didn't ask for this. The abusers and the users should be the ones feeling it and changing their ways.

I hold onto the idea that I wasn't born this way, and the damage done can be undone.

Hang in there, you rock

[Dee]

It's always okay to comment and I really appreciate the support.

[sweetsixty]

Dee,

Your feelings are similar to many of us and your improvement is obvious too. One of the things Pete Walker tells us to do is to recognise the difference between guilt and shame.  I can't find the quote now but basically he is saying that Gulit is when we empathise with the situation we have placed someone in and feel that we could have done something about it, it's about them not you. Shame is when it's about you as in - I'm a bad person for doing this.

It may not be the case for you but for me it's what made me finally go NC with both my parents even though I was 59 and they were mid 80's at the time. I realised when the phone rang I was afraid to answer it and ashamed of myself for not doing so.

Also journaling is a marvellous thing to do as you can't see progress without it. I don't put mine on here as its rambling and to me there are parts I don't want to share. I started it in March 2010 and I'm still making progress when I look back I can't believe the progress I've made. I should probably write a book since after 30,000 words I started another file on the iPad lol.

I also recently had a knee replacement and decided to journal my healing journey it was amazing for that too.

So well done to you. 

[Dee]

I WAS really excited because I felt I had come a long way in setting boundaries.  I really established boundaries all over the place.  I have trouble saying no, but I've come a long way.  I actually fired my meditation coach.  I had to do it in writing, but I did.  Not only did I do it, but I have an account of everything that I thought was unprofessional and learned that I am in a long line of people who have complained.  Instead, I've started yoga and I really like it.  It is such a small class, usually two including me.  On Friday it was just me, that was great.  I didn't stay for Thai Chi because that class is super crowded and I just can't do it.  My kids left yesterday morning for two weeks, that will be hard.  I have been away from them, but they have never been away from me.  Still, things seemed to be looking up...

But then, was everything going too well that I had to sabotage it?  I can't/won't go into details, but I had a really bad night last night.  There are bad nights, then there are really bad nights.  I finally fell asleep (lots of dreams, but I didn't wake up)  and I woke up this morning mad at myself for not using healthier coping skills.  It was all preceded by one glass one wine.  I didn't go overboard, I don't know, just sucks right now.

[Dee]

I should wait until I go to therapy tomorrow, but I am feeling pretty good right now so I want to update on my new accomplishments. 

- My kids are home and I had two really good nights sleep.  Honestly, the best I have had in a year and a half.
- I said the word no, not once, but twice.  I was really challenged, but I stuck to it and I have no regrets.
- In my last therapy appointment I discussed dreams.  Not in great detail, but more than I have ever discussed before.  I am afraid of medication at night but I am considering Prasozin (sp?). 
- I read a book called "The Dance of Intimacy" and I really feel like it explained a lot of my relationships. I have a better understanding of where I make mistakes and small changes I can make to take better care of self.  These changes may or may not strengthen my relationships, but will strengthen me.  I journaled about it and will need to go back and read it occasionally.  I do feel a little bit more like I am entitled to a self.

On bad days I feel like I have accomplished nothing.  On good days I can see how far I have come.  Always, the work ahead is scary and intimidating.

[Three Roses]

 

Good job, you!

[radical]

I do feel a little bit more like I am entitled to a self.

[Dee]

I have not updated lately because I have been feeling like I am not doing well.  I met with my dietitian and therapist and both told me how amazing I am doing. 

My dietitian said when she first met me she thought my anorexia was too severe and that I needed to be inpatient.  She thought there is no way I could do it otherwise.  She said she was wrong and there will always be struggles and relapses, but I am doing super well and am almost at my goal weight.

My therapist reminded me that I go into every visit saying how I was more assertive.  Also, I am being more honest and not hiding as much.  I have been able to be clearer with men and tell them I am not interested in a relationship at this time.  Not that it has helped much.  They all say they want to be friends which I have a hard time saying no to and then try to turn it into more.  So, I am still working on that, poorly.  It was only a year ago that I sat silently as my boss was rubbing my leg, up my skirt and I tried to pretend it wasn't happening.  I hope that I could be more assertive today, but I don't want to find out.  I am saying good bye to passivity more and more.

I am a little crushed today because my son is going to graduate high school a year early.  This is wonderful, but sad.  He will stay at home for a year and go to a local college, but I feel like I am losing him a year earlier than I was prepared for.  Even if he is at home going to college means he is an adult.  I can feel my kids slipping away.  This is going to be a struggle.

My psychiatrist thought I was doing really well and seemed so much better, she asked if I was dating, as if.  It is a reminder of how just a year ago I had reached rock bottom and it was either kill myself of get into therapy.  For the sake of my kids I chose the latter.  Most days, not all days, I think I made the right choice.

The one thing that hurts though is my serious lack of support.  I read a book recommended by my dietitian and it talks about the importance of having support.  She (the author) said she had her parents and her friends from group.  I have neither.  I struggle with my daily meal plan and the author said it helped to email hers daily to a friend.  I have to such friend and I have hidden my eating disorder from my kids.  They think all my weight comes from no longer running competitively.  My sister can't understand why I'm not just better already and doesn't have faith in my dietitian, telling me that I am gaining too much weight and my dietitian doesn't know what she is doing.  Serious lack of support there.  My sister doesn't understand that this is a marathon and not a 5K.  It is also a struggle I will have for the rest of my life.

So my latest update on both my progress and lack there of.

[Dee]

I started this to remind myself of the progress I have made.  Today I have decided to write about the bumps along the way.  I hope one day to look back and realize the struggles in recovery I overcame as well.

I have had so many issues come up with the presence of my great nephews.  Yesterday, I learned that when we turn our focus onto someone else it is a form of avoidance.  Taking care of them so you don't have to take care of yourself.  I also learned we can't control our thoughts or emotions but we can control our statements and actions. 

I did abandon myself in my concern over the boys.  In doing so I resorted to almost every unhealthy coping technique I have ever used.  This includes a relapse in anorexia recovery and weight loss.  I am not sure that is even the worse thing I have done.  But, I have identified it and I am going to deal with it.  I can't fix what I did yesterday, but I can work on what I do today.  I started with breakfast.

More and more I am learning I am not fixable and it is okay.  I can overcome the things that I can, but some things will never go away.  No one can erase the past.  They key is identifying the issue and learning how to cope with it in a healthy way.  I think then life might be less painful.  I have heard people say that they would not change anything because it made them who they are today.  The truth is, I don't feel that way, I would change it all if I had a chance.  I really don't want to be the person I am today, but here I am and I am trying to learn to like me.  The horrors of the past are just that, horrors and should be identified as so.  I am doing my best to live in the present.  I am not there, but I know it is where I want to be.

[Dee]

It's been really hard and I had to take a break.  I went into a deep spiral of not sleeping, severe nightmares, return of depression, and a relapse of anorexia.  I kept going in and telling them I wasn't sleeping, they tried Prasozin, but I had a reaction and couldn't take it.  Then they tried Clonadine, it worked, but if my blood pressure or heart rate got too low I couldn't take it.  So I only took it once.  Then I just broke.  I was trying to take care of an abused great nephew, my son was angry about him, I wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating, depressed, and I lost it.  I had a serious suicide attempt on 9 September.  I managed to charm my way out of the hospital in a record four days.  I had great training pretending everything is okay and put it to good use.

Now, it is still hard, but I think it also caused me to get serious.  I actually became assertive and told my sister I needed a break.  She is the only one who knew about the attempt and was engaging in arguments with me.  I honestly felt like if she cared at all she would take it easy on me just for a little bit.  She was laying into me about not doing more about my son behaving poorly about my grandnephew, telling me I'm a bad parent.  It wasn't my son who abused his children.

However I'm still digging out of the hole.  I've lost a lot of weight and am desperately trying to get back on track.  They changed my antidepressant and told me to take the Clonadine if I have slightly low vitals for now.  So I am sleeping and that is huge.

I do feel like I am doing more to take care of me.  I've called my therapist a few times, something I didn't do before.  I have been asking myself what do I want?  I walk around with a backpack of healthy coping, a journal, a coloring book, and a safety plan.  The hardest one was handing my nephew back to his grandmother, my sister, and telling her it was too much.

This is where I was and where I am now...

[Three Roses]

 

[Dee]

I'm sort of forcing myself to write tonight, I don't want to let this go.  I think some day I might appreciate it. 

I just took my nightly cocktail of drugs, so I'll be pretty tired soon.  After last month my psychiatrist changed my antidepressant and I increased the dose today.  I went from one in the evening to one in the morning and one in the evening.  I spent most of the day feeling like I couldn't function, I'll give it a few more days to see if it continues.  For some strange reason he seemed to think my last one wasn't doing it any longer

The super good news of the week is somehow I get to keep the psychiatrist I have been seeing temporary for the last two months.  I really didn't like my last one.  When things were getting bad I asked for help and my therapist kept telling me she (psychiatrist) would call then apologizing that she didn't.  She finally connected me with the temp guy and I like him a lot.  I noticed in the system my appointment with the old one who last saw me 4 months ago was cancelled.  I am so excited, she didn't even bother to follow up on me when I got out of the hospital.  I also met another patient who had actually filled a formal complaint about her.  She is not on the list of doctors now so I am assuming she has left the hospital.

I'm talking some to my sister.  She said a few things that made me feel horrible.  She told me that had my dad not gone to prison he had promised her a million dollars and I ruined that.  Maybe she felt he owed her.  She had been drinking and I think her filter was off.  She also asked me if I was going to go lay on the train tracks???  It was all very strange and I am unsure of how much she remembers.

Maybe depression is lifting some now the roller coaster of changing meds is coming to a stop.  Clonadine really does help nightmares, so I sleep better.  Anorexia is horrible.  I decided when I see my dietitian tomorrow I'm going to ask her if I can skip turning in my meal plan (showing what I didn't eat) and see if we can't just start over and focus on a new beginning instead of what I didn't do.  I'm a little scared because I have to have a full physical and heart workup tomorrow as well.  My psychiatrist called my physician because my heart rate has been fluctuating from 44-105 and my blood pressure is crazy as well.  I'm afraid I'll have to stay in the hospital for the weekend, hope not.

Anyway, that's the update..

[Three Roses]

 

I can't imagine what you're going through. How terribly difficult it all must be! I admire your strength. <3

[Dee]

Yay, my heart is good.  Just to be sure I am going to wear a monitor thing for 14 days once it come in.  My dietitian was on-board as well saying that I can report my information instead of her looking at it.  She is trying to give me ownership and control.  I feel good about that, I feel some motivation to do better.