Kizzie's Journal

[Kizzie]

Tks Armee.  I agree that CBT isn't the best when one is triggered, but I do find it helps me in some instances to change what I'm thinking so I don't trigger which is why I do like it.  E.g., Everyone is bad and untrustworthy. That a belief I can challenge and change.

I know EMDR really helped me when Trump got into office. My M is an N and I knew what the US and world for that matter was in for and became very depressed.  I don't know that CBT would have helped with that because he is dangerous and abusive and watching news about him 24/7 triggered me so deeply. There was really no way of thinking differently about him, he is what he is.  EMDR seemed to help me take a step back or use more of my brain to deal with how I was reacting.  Or at least that's how it felt. 

Tks for your posts Papa and Not Alone, encouragement is appreciated!

[Armee]

 

Sorry I went on a little diatribe there. Oops.

I'm really proud of you for going through this program and just completely grateful that you take those opportunities and extend beyond yourself even though you are deeply struggling, to make space for educating providers and the broader community.  You are an amazing force, Kizzie, even in your moments of suffering. I am sorry you've had such a rough stretch. I see really positive signs too Kizzie that you know where the fault lies with the ketamine treatment clinic because I know my tendency is to believe I am the one who is wrong. But you are aware that what they did and how they worked with complex trauma  and medication were not right, and are taking action to protect others. That is impressive.. Thank you, for all you do and for sharing openly.

[Papa Coco]

KIzzie

Such a positive theme! I'm happy to hear the Celexa is helping. And the crayons are a great idea. I've begun playing with Legos again. It brings me back to my quiet, safe space when I was a boy. When I start snapping blocks and creating little villages, I feel that same peace come over me that was present in my childhood Lego time. I hope the crayons do the same for you.

[Kizzie]

No worries Armee, if we can pontificate a bit here where can we lol. It was and still is an eye opener that not all professionals are ethical/knowledgeable as they should be, but it confirms that I do need to listen to my gut and not hand 100% of my care over.  On the flip side, I had awesome nurses, a therapist and a psychiatrist in the care program and it is lovely to know that as a senior professionals do care and are focused on the health and well-being of those in their care.  I had been feeling a bit like I had no value or purpose really but that program changed how I was feeling.  We really mattered to them and we came first, it was awesome in that respect.   

Papa, I'm actually on a very low dose of Effector as I couldn't tolerate Celexa or any other SSRI for that matter.  Medications and I, such a crap shoot, but we managed to find some that worked. Everything now is low dose though so I think I was correct about not doing especially well on most meds any longer. 

I'm not colouring with crayons although in the treatment program I did colour a bit with colour pencils and enjoyed that. I do love Legos although I haven't dug them out yet, still buried in all the craft and recreational things in the basement that I still haven't unpacked since moving here.  I suppose that's a good project for keeping busy and having something relaxing to do though.  I tend to be a doer but now that I'm retired I find myself with a little too much time on my hands and not quite knowing how to have fun.  It was helpful to hear that the other seniors in the program were grappling with the same or similar issues (e.g., not quite knowing what to do with all their free time).  I don't hang out with any seniors so thought many things I was feeling were "just me". Typical  for us (i.e., relational trauma survivors to think it's us right?).

[natureluvr]

"Papa, I'm actually on a very low dose of Effector as I couldn't tolerate Celexa or any other SSRI for that matter."

Many people have a hard time tolerating SSRI's.  Whenever I was on them, they would activate me and I couldn't sleep at night, so then they would give me Trazodone for sleep. 

"I'm not colouring with crayons although in the treatment program I did colour a bit with colour pencils and enjoyed that."

Doing artistic things is wonderful!  I find it very therapeutic and self nurturing.  I'm trying to make art more of a priority in my life. 

[Kizzie]

Well halleluiah, it looks like I have actually found a therapy group for Complex PTSD and it starts March 3rd.      The psychologist is already running a group and wasn't going to run another one until the fall but as she put it she has been inundated with requests for another group. That speaks to how many of us are out there looking for help IMO. I hope more T's start running groups and doing individual therapy for us, we sure need it!   

I got some good help in the inpatient program for anxiety and depression but it didn't focus on trauma or even touch on it really.  I submitted some comments to their strategic planning committee (at their request) and told them that positive skills building was helpful and part of recovery to be sure, but the other part was getting to the root cause of the anxiety and depression and helping us with that.  Hopefully they will take what I said seriously and make some changes.  As always, there's only so much time and money I know.

[Hope67]

Hi Kizzie,
Wow, that is great    Very happy to hear that you've found a therapy group for Complex PTSD starting March 3rd - not too long now!  So glad that the psychologist responded to the requests for another group. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

the other part was getting to the root cause of the anxiety and depression and helping us with that.  Hopefully they will take what I said seriously and make some changes.

totally agree, and good for you for speaking up about it.  very glad you're finding something positive for your life, kizzie.  you mustered thru w/ determination and perseverance, and all credit to you for doing so.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

Kizzie!

That's so awesome!  A support group for CPTSD is something I'd love to find too. I've been in support groups, and they are usually very helpful. Gads! I'm almost jealous! 

I sincerely hope the support group is a happy and helpful place for you.

So awesome!

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

That's great news! I hope the group brings you some comfort from what you've been going through lately.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Kizzie]

Tks everyone, I hope it proves to be helpful.  The psychologist running it is a survivor too which gives me hope that she understands the nuance of CPTSD and will help us to get at the core of our wounds and try out some authentic relationship building with one another.

On another note, this week brought some news I'm not quite sure how to deal with.  My NM received news that her cancer has returned and because of her age (93) and general health it is not treatable so she will be referred for palliative treatment.  I feel compassion for her and at the same time fear of what this will bring in terms of triggers for me.  E.g., I've already had a note from a cousin talking about treasuring my remaining time and that my M is such a wonderful person.  My M worked hard to portray that so I dread the whole funeral and am considering not going when the time comes (6 months to a year).  My mental health is not the best and I'm really afraid that would not help matters. 

Life as a survivor is so fraught isn't it?  And it's been my experience non-survivors don't understand why we feel/react the way we do which makes things even more difficult. At least I can talk openly and honestly to all of you and maybe by then I will have some peers IRL from the group. 

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, difficult time, indeed.  for what it's worth, i didn't go to either of my parent's funerals.  people talked, but there it is. i don't feel guilty cuz i just couldn't cope. i'm glad i'm able to allow myself acceptance for that.  here's hoping you get what you need from that group.  it does sound promising.  love and hugs

[Kizzie]

Tks so much for letting me know you didn't go to either of your parent's funerals San, it's hard to bear the judgment of people who don't understand and didn't know what my M was really like but I have to protect myself.  Like you I'm not sure I could cope especially with all the positive sentiments about a woman who messed me up so badly.  I honestly wonder if went if I would at some point break down and start yelling the truth and yet again look like the crazy one (that's what happened in my younger years).

I like that I do feel compassion for her and am being kind because I really do believe that has to be hard news to deal with even at 93 - one human being to another is what it comes down to with her and I at this moment in time.  I haven't talked with my sibling about this because he triggers me really quickly but that conversation has to come.  Not looking forward to that at all. 

[Armee]

 

It is a difficult and fraught period Kizzie and you'll get through it. Perhaps at the end you'll have relief you never knew possible so even though you see the difficult parts right now...this closure may be what you need to really heal too.

Unwanted and inaccurate sympathy is very very hard when our relationships are as they are. All i could do in the same situation was either be brutally honest or just say "thanks yes it is a very difficult time." Mostly I opted for honesty.

When it comes time for the funeral don't forget you are welcome to lie and say you came down with covid and cannot attend. Or you can go and sit there knowing 1. Your version of her is true and accurate and 2. You are now free.

Once my mom died there was so much relief. I expected grieving what never was and that it would all hit me but it didn't. I was just free. It unlocked my ability to process other things too. It's like when someone with trauma is still in the traumatic situation they cannot heal. Sometimes it takes our parent's death to be free enough to heal the damage.

I know it will be a hard period of time for you and I know how precarious it feels right now mental health wise. And I can't sugar coat it...when I was dealing with end stage cancer with my mom it was a terrible physical and mental health toll. But there is a light though at the end of this.

Not many people will understand that and thank goodness they live in a world where they don't need to understand. But there are plenty of people out there who get it, too. I haven't read the book but saw the cover and news coverage by a former child actress...title: "I'm glad my mom died"

I do apologize because I imagine some of this is veering into advice territory and I simply don't have the wherewithal to notice and be as thoughtful as I should. But I've been here in this situation so very recently I wanted to give you some support as best I could.

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

I understand feeling torn about going to your mom's funeral. Even after things with my m, I rushed to the hospital to be there with her after her aneurysm but didn't make it in time. I'm sure if she would have gotten better, there would have been the same dynamic there always was, leaving me feeling awful I'm sure. It's hard not to feel like a "bad" person in these situations. Someone brought up an old post a few weeks ago, where the OP had an epiphany of sorts that she just wanted to cut off all the emotional vampires in her life and was tired of feeling like she was giving and people just took and took. I know I stayed in my head a long time about what was the "right" thing and gave a lot of people a lot more than they deserve (and am still doing it to an extent). I feel like if you didn't go and people were truly concerned about you and what was going on with you enough to listen and given appropriate space, then those would be the people that you need in your life. There's always talk and there would probably be talk no matter what you decide to do. I hope you find the thing that you feel best about.

Sending you support,
dolly