Help! So nervous about seeing a friend.

[Dee]

To be honest I do not have many friends.  I have moved constantly and I leave people behind, never to contact them again.  I do have one friend that will not let me do that.  She never gives up and when I do not reply in email she eventually calls.  I have not seen her in a year and I will in three days.  I have known her for 14 years.

Since I have seen her I have finally confronted my past and medical issues.  I am recovering from anorexia and have gained a substantial amount of weight.  I was also exercising compulsively and now I am not exercising at all until I am in a better place.  The person she knew was a super thin, elite runner, with a super healthy diet of only salads.

There is no way to hide how much weight I have gained and she has never seen me go a day without running at least once.  Where I am meeting her is super hot and she has only seen me in long sleeves.  I have scars on my arms where I have cut.  I am so scared.  The facade that I have relied on in the past has shattered and no one knows the real me.  How on earth can I explain these things.  I feel like canceling, but I really do adore her.

[Danaus plexippus]

Kati Morton talks a lot about recovering from self-harm and anorexia and health alternatives to these counterproductive coping skills https://youtu.be/MqDcACrtloM. Kati has a website with forums for eating disorders, self-harm, PTSD, etc., etc.

[Three Roses]

first of all, congrats on your recovery from anorexia!   

it really sounds like you're looking forward to seeing her ("i adore her"). if you cancel, you'll just be denying yourself her company. if she is the person who she sounds like, i'm thinking she will welcome the chance to get to know you better, without your defenses up. and she'll be glad of your growth and recovery.

let us know how it went we care about you

[radical]

Hi Dee,
This makes me sad because I know how this feels (well, my own version of it anyway.)

You know a real friend will be glad to see you and doesn't need you to be anything other than yourself.  A real friend won't shame you.  When you are isolated, it can be terrifying to find out if someone is a real friend, or a friend to the facade.  There is no way of knowing until you meet her, but if you don't meet her, you might reinforce your feelings of worthlessness.  If you wait until the facade is back in place, you might miss out on a more genuine connection.

All I can say is that you can work on your own sense of shame.  You can tell yourself that you are a good person and a worthy friend.  You can sit with the feelings of shame and not push them away, but recognise them as being just feelings, not reality.  You don't have to meet her from a place of defensiveness.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you.  I'm really not meaning to imply that this kind of thing is easy.  I find it really hard when these things arise in my own life.  They are big challenges, I don't just mean going or not going, but finding validation from within and facing the world as a vulnerable but real person, who might be rejected.  Acceptance may even be just as frightening.....

[Flutterbye]

Hi Dee, I have few friends & struggle to build healthy friendships, tho just here I relate to your friend more than yourself as I'm a very loyal friend who never quits on people I care about! so maybe my perspective may help a little.

If it were me meeting you, I'd..
- be proud of your health & achievements,
- be excited about seeing you
- would assume you'd accept me for who I am right now like I do you, maybe I'm going thru some changes myself even if it's not quite apparent on the surface.

Just my 2c, I don't pretend to know the complexities of your friendship. A 14 year friendship is imo a precious & beautiful thing. I'm sure you're friend is looking forward to seeing you. To be honest, it goes without saying I'm proud of my friends' accomplishments but probably not my main focus, my main focus would be  that we care about each other, value the friendship, have a history. In the past, I found when I was self-consciously obsessed about something about me that I'd worked really hard on, that was more for me - my friends actually weren't so focused on that, they simply liked & accepted me & wanted to hang out & do fun stuff together. Judging me didn't really come into it, it was mainly me judging me and very meanly. I know this is all way easier said than done but imo working hard on good friendships is so worth the effort  !

good luck & be interested to hear how you go 

[Danaus plexippus]

A dear friend of mine used to be super thin. She did not receive dietary surveillance as part of her recovery process and gained an unhealthy amount of weight. I hope you are at least getting group therapy. I love my friend no matter what size she is and only worry about her health. During her thin years, she lost a lot of bone mass and is now subject to fractures. I was never super thin and am now overweight. My last bone scan revealed osteoporosis. The last time I fell, I broke my tibia, fibula and rib # 8. I saw my friend last week. She is back on crutches again! If your friend expresses concern about your weight, it should be coming from a place of love and concern. Eating disorders have serious long reaching consequences. Vanity, pride and social acceptance have no place in this equation. don't leave your friend behind. Give her credit for being a decent human being that cares about you. 

[Dee]

Thank you for the help.  I realize that it is my sense of shame and has nothing to do with her.  I am going to go and be as honest as I can.  I do not expect it to be easy, but it is time I open up some to someone.  There is no one I know that would be a better person.

As far as my anorexia, I do have a dietitian who monitors my weight and I am on a meal plan.  I do have severe osteoporosis, but I am fortunate to be on the best medication out there.  I have damaged my body enough where some things are permanent.  It will be some time before we know just how much damage I have done.  If anyone is suffering, please get help now.  Do not wait ten years like I did.  It is reversible if you address it as soon as possible.  It is hard, scary, and worth it.  Anorexia is only a symptom of a larger problem. 

I appreciate the support.  I am really nervous, but I am looking forward to seeing her.

[Three Roses]

  you rock!

[Dee]

Update, I am having a wonderful time.  She cried when she saw me and said I have a butt (who knew).  I have been honest about everything except the cuts and scars on my arms.  This is the most open I have ever been.  I am extremely good at keeping secrets    Being this open feels like a weight has been lifted.  I can relax knowing I am not making up stories.  I constantly lied about food and exercise.....I ate earlier, I'm eating later, I only ran six miles, I only ran once today..... 

Not having to be so secretive allows me to enjoy the moment and not have to think of what I last said or what I will say.  I also learned I can be honest and not have to share my life story, exposing too much.  It's a good feeling that I do not have much experience with.  I recommend it!

[radical]

So happy for you.  Your post brought a few tears to my eyes.

Recovery is tough and it's things like this that makes it all worth it.

[Three Roses]

That's great to hear! So happy for you! (By the way, your friend sounds kinda awesome.)

[arpy1]

been followng this post, Dee, and kind of rooting for you in my heart. so just wanted to say you're amazing. i know how hard it is to deal with anorexia,  a dear friend i used to see often is in recovery now and i am so proud of her. i think you are one courageous lady and i hope you feel proud of what you have achieved, and for the huge step forward you took meeting up with this friend. wow.  big  to you!

[Kizzie]

    and       Dee!