LanaBanana's journal - Possible Triggers

[LanaBanana]

Hi,
I'm pretty anxious about sharing parts of my story online and it's my first time posting a recovery journal, so I don't really know what to expect and I'm a bit nervous. So here it goes:

What I'm recovering from:
*Years of living with a narcissistic Father who was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive, and emotionally neglectful towards both my Mother and I, but especially me.
*An overall very cold environment with very little room to express my identity and grow as a person.
*Being the scapegoat of my FOO, where my F's abuse got blamed solely on me.
*Being a parent to my M who enabled my F's behavior and relied on me for support.
*Being in a subsequent 2 year relationship with an emotionally abusive guy (called X here in this post).
*Being sexually assaulted by X. I only remember certain things, but it is mostly blank.
*The pregnancy as a result of the sexual abuse, and abortion that I had to go through.
*Current Panic Attacks that are triggered by people and noise.
*Isolation as a result of the abusive relationship, but also self-imposed.

Steps towards my recovery:
1. I have been seeing a Therapist who has been amazing. T is taking the summer off and I do not trust any other T (a bit paranoid) to handle my recovery. I have only been seeing this T for a couple of months, so I've just started this recovery process.
2. I have been following a self-care routine and taking care of myself and my apartment to feel safe.
3. I have been trying to allow myself to feel my panic attacks. It's harder than I thought. From living in an abusive environment, I have spent years repressing how I felt and not allowing myself to feel things. When I have a panic attack and repress it, it causes me very strong headaches and migraines.
4. I have been developing new interests and discovering who I am and what I like, as I could not previously do this. I have been talking a mixed martial arts class that has helped me with my recovery process as well, and allowed me to explore talking to people too (baby-steps).

I think that's about all so far, I'd be open to suggestions on ways to improve my recovery. 
It's only been a couple of months of therapy, and it's also only been a couple of months since my abusive relationship ended, so I am still dealing with a lot of emotional flashbacks and anxiety as well. I am trying to take it one day at a time, and I'm doing things slowly, so please bear with me, these past couple of months have been hard.

Thank you for reading! 
I hope this journal entry wasn't too depressing 

[Alice97]

Welcome LanaBanana! 

I'm so glad you have started a Journal here, I hope you find it as helpful and stress-relieving as I did. The people on this website are incredibly supportive.

You have certainly been through a lot    I personally relate to a lot of your story, and I get how tough it is to make it through each day. I was also very nervous about sharing online, so I totally understand where you're coming from.

I hope the support you receive here helps you get through the summer without your T.   

Looking forward to hearing more of your story,
Alice

[LanaBanana]

Thank you so much Alice97! 

[Dutch Uncle]

Congrats on starting your Recovery Journal! 

I hope and trust it will be as helpful as it has been for me and others.

[LanaBanana]

Thoughts

Today I feel selfish for taking time off for myself. I am having problems having compassion towards myself, and I feel I should be "over it" by now. I know that recovery isn't a linear process, but it's hard to remind myself of this when I feel I should be better. I left my FOO when I was 17, and now, at 21, I am no longer in that environment and it feels like I should be better. My mother told me the same thing on the phone the other day, that I had seen a T back when I was 17 (she and I were not a good match, it turns out), and that I shouldn't be having Emotional Flashbacks of my father. I have found a great T right now, but I still feel selfish for taking up so much time for myself to heal.

I read Pete Walker's section on Angering, and I think I feel more angry towards myself than I do towards my parents (or even my abusive ex), and my Inner Critic is still very strong. Any thoughts on how to quiet that voice down? 

[Three Roses]

4 years doesn't seem NEAR enough time to be over anything. Especially since you jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire (FOO to ex). If you can't have compassion towards tousled, try visualizing a little girl who's been thru all that you have, and be compassionate to her.

I hope your mother is trying to be supportive, but telling someone how they should be feeling is, to me, emotional misuse/abuse. Your feelings are no one else's business. Not your family's, not anyone's. (Unless you consciously make it theirs.)

Selfishness and self-care ste different. We didn't learn this in our FOO's. Selfishness usually has an element of disregard or disdain for others' rights & feelings. And it's just my opinion but to me it seems like you could use MORE selfishness! 

On days when I don't have the strength to fight my IC, I just visualize them in silly clothes, the old Groucho Marx big nose & mustache, or I click a visualized mute button. Sonce I'm a visual person these work well for me.

[Three Roses]

Lol. .. should have proof read that. Toused should be "yourself".

[LanaBanana]

Thank you for this, Three Roses! 

Visualizing my IC with a Groucho Marx nose and mustache made me laugh!
Yes, there's been emotional abuse from my mother for most of my life, I've had a hard time dealing with that. She doesn't know anything about my recovery and it's not for her to judge, but it's still hard to get her voice out of my head sometimes. Thank you for the advice on my IC, I'll try to use that and be kinder towards myself. 

Thank you!! 

[LanaBanana]

TRIGGERS

This post is about my ex, I don't know if OOTS is the right place to post this. It doesn't relate to my FOO, although it had an impact on my C-PTSD as well. It's just something I need to get off my chest. I apologize if there is material on here that might be triggering, and if this seems like a rant.

Today, I'm feeling confused and tired. The Stanford rape case has been bringing up a lot of feelings and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.
Although my experience with sexual assault was not at all similar to the Stanford victim's, there are still some similarities and get flashbacks of some scenes that happened with my ex. I have large gaps in my memory and can only remember bits and pieces. I know it wasn't consentual, I remember saying "no" repeatedly, the blood, the pain, the bruises and trying to cover them up... I remember being in an alley, or outside behind a shed, I remember feeling panicked and scared someone would see us, I remember feeling dirty and used, crying afterwards or just spacing out.

I am having a hard time reconciling the fact that what my ex did to me might be called rape. He was your typical nice guy, very easy-going. Although there were red flags that I definitely missed. His anger that he told me about early on (he was involved in a minor court case, and he once told me how he threatened someone with an axe). His entitlement, when he thought girls owed him a date and sex; he had been "rejected" by a lot of girls and was very bitter about it. His almost stalking-like behavior. His jealousy of other guys, and the way he thought every guy was hitting on me. His sexually-explicit comments directed at women in general, whether on the street or in the video games he was playing.

He quickly turned emotionally abusive in the relationship, and some incidents escalated to physical violence, particularly when I wanted to leave. But I am having a harder time consolidating that what he did to me was sexual assault. He was sorry every time it happened and I ended up hurt (either physically or emotionally). He was sorry when I ended up pregnant and having an abortion. He was sorry for all the times he kept me awake when he was raging, for holding me down on the bed so that I couldn't get away, for punching the wall, for pushing me a little too hard... He apologized for everything, and I'm having a hard time dealing with this. My father was the exact opposite, and my father was all I knew for 17 years. My father never apologized for what he did to me, or my mother, he never even acknowledged it (not even years later). In my FOO, we covered everything up as to maintain a sense of normalcy and keep the illusion that we were still a family. But in this relationship with my ex, everything was stated and he apologized for it. Like my father though, he blamed me for his anger outbursts, saying that I caused him to be that angry because I wanted to leave him, or I was gonna cheat on him...

It took me a really long time to piece this together, because my ex used gaslighting, guilt trips, manipulation, threatening to kill himself or harming himself in any way, and I felt very responsible for causing him so much pain and anger. But it's the sexual assault that I am having problems piecing together. I often wonder if I was really sexually assaulted, or if I can call it rape, if I am remembering things wrong or inventing them... The Stanford rape case has brought some of these feelings back, and I sometimes get really confused in this strange tangled web of memories. I really feel awful for what happened to this girl, the judge's sentence was unfair, and she will have to live for the rest of her life with that traumatic experience. In light of this, as well as the Orlando nightclub killings, I express my sincere condolences to the victims, families and friends who have been affected by these horrible events. I think this is bringing back a lot of painful memories for me and I don't know how to deal with what happened to me, as well as what is going on in the world right now. I get discouraged sometimes by all of this.

I'm sorry for this confused rant, thank you for reading. 

[Danaus plexippus]

May the long time sun shine upon you,
All Love surround you
and the pure light within you,
guide your way on.

[LanaBanana]

Thank you Danaus Plexippus 

[Three Roses]

You didn't sound confused! Ranting/unloading feels so good sometimes!

[LanaBanana]

Thank you Three Roses!

[LanaBanana]

Thank you so, so much for this Artemis23, this made me cry a little, it felt nice to hear. From your posts, I know you've gone through similar things and I am so sorry for all the pain it has caused you. 
Recovery is hard and tiring at times, and the flashbacks don't help, but I think it's worth it. Thank you so much for this message and the emphasis on self-care! After what we both have been through (and generally speaking, everyone on this forum too), we definitely deserve to take great care of ourselves.
Thank you so much for these kind words, you are truly amazing to have gone through all of this and still have so much empathy and compassion. Thank you for being awesome!