Letter to Mother

[Chartery]

Hi folks,

I've been lurking here for a while and love the site and now I am looking for some quick feedback - sorry to be demanding....  I will share more with you soon but want I am looking fir is some feedback on something I just completed.  A letter to my mother.  It would seem harsh to a Normie, but for us it's just normal.  To give you some perspective, I've been no contact for 14 moths and LC for a while before that but my life circumstance has not been great to say the least.  I'm big on Pete Walker and have been studying tons of stuff on Narcs and recovery from them for 5 years (the recovery part only 1+).  Anyway, the more I establish boundaries the better I feel all the time and I love that.  I kind of feel live McFly in ack to the Future (which if you knew me would seem odd - 6'3, 230 lbs (ish) and very athletic, albeit beaten down to the bone in many respects and really struggling with life in general.  Anyway, I am hoping for some feedback on this; I wrote a letter to my N Mom and I know I need to send it but I want to make sure I am not just going back into the game.   There's a lot of anger here that has been repressed for a long time and even though I am pretty sure it is the right thing to do (send it) I am looking for another option or someone that has been in a similar circumstance perhaps.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Chartery  and welcome.

To send or not to send... The eternal question. 
It seems you are pretty sure on sending it, and only you can decide what's best for you in your situation.

I can only say that there is another option: post it here, in the "recovery letters" section for example. For many people this has worked well, including myself. You get it out, yet you don't feed the narc. But I guess you've read or heard a lot already on the pro's and con's of contacting a narc, and/or somebody you have been NC with for such a long period already. 14 months, wow. I can relate, I'm NC about as long.

Hope this helped.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I'd agree with Dutch, a lot of us have written letters to our FOO members but posted them here. You'll get no judgement from anyone here!     

Posting our letters here has the cathartic effect of getting our feelings out and being heard, without initiating contact and inviting them back into our lives.

[Kizzie]

Hi Chartery     You mentioned reading Pete Walker and if you check out his writing on angering, he recommends that rather than directing your anger at those who traumatized you, doing so in therapy or through a letter you write but don't send is a safer, healthier way to address the trauma and re-ignite your self-protective side. If you send it you may indeed end up "feeding the narc" as Dutch has said, and getting embroiled in the N dance all over again.    And it can be difficult to extricate yourself from that.

As Dutch and Three Roses have said though, it is up to you in the end and it is important to trust your gut as to what you need to do for you.

[Chartery]

Thanks so much for your quick and thoughtful responses Dutch, Kizzie and Three Roses.  I have not sent the letter and I don't think I will at any point in the near future.  As you've mentioned, I did actually get some of that cathartic effect which is great.  I will likely post it in the recovery letters forum.

Holy crap this recovery business is tough, what a ride.

Thanks again for your help.

Another question for you; I have a really easy time reaching my sadness but getting to the suppressed anger is much more difficult for me.  I tend to be very 'cerebral' and the concept of feeling my emotional pain in my body is extremely foreign to me.  Do any of you have a similar experience and have you had any success in reaching your anger and pain in the body that can be shared?

[Chartery]

I posted the letter in the letters of recovery forum as suggested.  Any and all feedback is appreciated.

[Kizzie]

Holy crap this recovery business is tough, what a ride.

Yup, but we are so worth it!   

[Three Roses]

Another question for you; I have a really easy time reaching my sadness but getting to the suppressed anger is much more difficult for me.  I tend to be very 'cerebral' and the concept of feeling my emotional pain in my body is extremely foreign to me.  Do any of you have a similar experience and have you had any success in reaching your anger and pain in the body that can be shared?

You can go to Pete Walker's website and search for "angering". He is a much-used resource for many here.

[Boatsetsailrose]

For me at the back / bottom of my actions directed at m there was always a part of me that wanted 'Acknowledgement from her' I was always let down - a pattern I knew only to well ...
Letting it out to her never did what it said on the tin
Other ways to express were much more healing and beneficial

What ever u do I wish that you receive no more pain or harm

[Chartery]

Thanks so much for your responses.