Social anxiety- need some help.

[Sienna]

Hello again.
Trigger Warning**

I am posting a lot lately about different things, and i do wonder if you guys think that i should just get a grip and stop going on.
I have literally know one who knows whats really going on...and this place is such a great support as well as outlet for me.
But, if anyone does think those other things, then please feel free to let me know ..to keep it down..shut up...go away...

Living in womens refuge. Narc X left me. Wont go into it all.
Flashbacks - due to this woman parenting her 2 year old- or rather more accurately...abusing him through neglect and verbal abuse. Invalidation. Which is emotional abuse...
So I'm crying a lot and running away out of my (ground floor) widow if it gets too unbearable.
I didnt care what she thought of me or what the other women thought of me for not being in the lounge with them a lot. I know my reasons are valid, those being:
.its hard anyway to witness that- to see a child crying and in distress
.Im having flashbacks due to seeing this

But the fear of what they think of me has crept up.
Maybe my inner child worries that she will be punished for feeling unhappy about the treatment of this little boy, as she could never speak up when her sister was left to cry, and she could never speak up when that happened to her.

The other evening, i couldn't leave my room.
Yesterday day time, i was in such a bad place, - flashback, thinking that know one cares, I'm alone etc. I hate the world and plagued with thoughts of not living. I cant help myself etc. i need support and there isn't any.
My pain invisible to the world.
I got back to refuge and lots of people were in the lounge. and i have issues with walking in to a room full of people.
I was exhausted and just needed to sleep.
I put on an act (apparent competence) around others, and these people are invalidating and also just talk to me about their own problems and i cant stand it at the moment, so i just didnt have the energy to go and talk to them.
The the little one was crying etc. which i cant witness. i would never stop his tears, only comfort him, but his mother stops him and shouts at him and i cant bear it.
I stayed in my room just lying there, miserable and i couldn't sleep. Adrenalin too high and i was so hungry but couldnt go out of my room to cook.
It makes me angry and feel helpless and then i feel..depressed and trapped because I'm stuck and cant just do what i want or need.  I cant leave to pee or eat something or drink water.

I was so scared this would happen as it happened before living with other people and i had pushed it out of my mind as much as possible as it was a really horrible time.
I feel so trapped there.
I finally made toast at 2am as everyone was asleep but i knew id freak out if anyone came down and saw me.

Today i left again out of my window.
It took me ages to leave and I'm so adrenally fatigued i slept till 2 and am still exhausted like i didnt sleep deeply enough.
As pete walker says, maybe I'm also not rested in the company of safe, nurturing connections to others.
Im scared of what they think of me. Im so  exhausted i cant go out there.
I was so hungry and tired it was effort to walk into town. Im eating out a lot and i need to start storing food in my room.
In town, there were lots of people and i felt really panicky, but more intensely that ive felt it around crowds before.
I couldnt leave a toilet cubical till everyone had left the bathroom.

Walking around- these people quickly walked towards me, cutting off the path i was walking in away from them, and one woman sighed and sounded like my mother. She used to say things about how i was in crowds too.
i understand, i get annoyed with others who dont respect that you are walking about too but i still felt shame and anger and was nearly broke down in tears, just really panicky.

I dont know whats wrong with me. Im thinking its social anxiety but it started because i started going out of my room less.
Do you guys think that remembering being neglected as brought about shame in me somewhere that is so...back in the past...that i dont know whats hit me??

Does anyone have any tips or things that helped you if you have struggled with anxiety like this??
Thanks a lot.

[radical]

It sounds like your whole nervous system is raw and ragged.  A mass of triggers and pain.  I know what that feels like, and being in a refuge with a whole lot of troubled strangers must be so overloading.

I feel for you.  You need soothing.

Is there anywhere nearby that you feel more peaceful - a beach, a chapel, temple or church (you don't have to be religious? - hospital chapels can be havens of peace for those of all faiths or none), a park, forest, zoo, animal shelter, art gallery, library  etc.? Can you get some gentle exercise somewhere safe - walking swimming etc.?

Is there anyone safe you can talk to?  Does the refuge have volunteers or staff? and if so do any of these people feel comfortable enough to ask them for a private chat?  Would you be able to ask them not to give any opinions or advice because you are too stressed to process information (this is mainly to protect you from well-meaning idiots who think they know a whole lot more than they do).  Alternatively, could you phone and anonymous help line and just let out all your confused feelings to someone anonymous on the end of the line?

Do you have a faith, or could you seek out a minister or similar if you didn't.  Not all clerics feel the need to convert people, and are used to just being with people in distress.  Do you meditate? Can you knit or draw, do puzzles?  Is there music you can listen to that brings you comfort?  Do you have a journal to let it all out, and more importantly tell yourself kind reassuring things that you can read back to yourself?

I find nature and solitude soothing but it sounds like you are in a very urban location.  I'm about to go for a walk in the bush.  I wish I could take you along and you could talk or not, listen to the birds, soak in the peace.  But of course some people don't find nature comforting.  Soothing is a very individual thing.

I wish I could help because I know my own version of this kind of * - emotional flashbacks coming from all directions and no ability to process.

What you are going through is not pathological, it is a natural reaction to trauma.  You are injured.  It won't last forever, but I know that is of little comfort in the present.

Warm, kind thoughts to you.  You are so brave to let yourself feel this.

[Sienna]

Radical, hey, I cant even tell you how much your message touched me, what you said, was just so kind and empathetic and just want i needed to hear. Its so nice to know that someone in the world gets it and that they care, so thank you.   
You seem to really understand.

Thank you so much for understanding, I know you understand from your own personal experience and I'm super sorry you struggle with this too.

I wanted to reply but no internet connection so only have my phone and i wanted to reply properly to you.

Thank you for explaining that my nervous system is raw and ragged. I never even thought of that. I know i have high amounts of cortisol and adrenalin and I'm confused as i am so tired. But i guess they can occur together- the fatigue and the adrenalised state.
Over loading- yes,...that is the world i needed to describe it.

I have been feeling for a long time that i need soothing. I have been kind of..griving and feeling annoyed over the fact that i have to look after myself- which i have always done...but it just sucks. I am realising that i *do* have this need for comfort that i cant get.

Thank you so much for all of your suggestions.
I have been going to the park near by.
I need to keep going. I was so tense when i went last time, with thoughts of what everyone else thought of me, walking alone. And its hard to sit down, so i just walked as the big rope swing there was occupied and i was too nervous to sit down.
Its like i cant relax anywhere, but I'm going to try and keep going back and I'm going to try to relax.

The woman at the refuge in charge from the office is useless.
She wanted to know if everything was ok and i suddenly teared up. I ended up stupidly telling her a little bit about the sexual assault that happened at the weekend with a friend and she was extremely invalidating and told me to forget about it.
She also joins in with the mother and tells the little boy to be quiet.
I have my T who i see once a week and its never long enough and I'm not sure if she is safe either. I have no friends i can talk to...and I'm wondering if they just dont care- which i have always thought is true- but narc X might have turned them against me.
I have been there for them, but they have not asked me how things are going.

I do feel i could do with some support in the week, and i know that maybe i need to just be by myself and feel this stuff...but it doesnt seem to be helping.
I mean, everyone needs support sometimes dont they..and i dont even have that.

I could phone a helpline. i get really nervous doing that and end up hanging up.
Im just feeling so let down by the staff at the refuge, it isn't the sanctuary i thought it would be and they dont help...so I'm wondering if support services just sound great, but are not really supportive at all.
I know all are different.

I bought a colouring book and i could meditate. Im just scared that people will knock on my door. I had to lock it because they just walk in.

I will try journaling. Sometimes its just so scary being in my own head...and its a trigger in itself that I'm alone with this.

Did you go for your walk? If so, how was it?
I'm about to go for a walk in the bush.  I wish I could take you along and you could talk or not, listen to the birds, soak in the peace.  But of course some people don't find nature comforting.  Soothing is a very individual thing.
Thank you very much. That sounds really nice.

Your message was so comforting to me, and helped me to understand and put words to what i am feeling.
And thank you for reminding me that i am injured. Its easy to think there something wrong with me because i have always had this- its not just since narc X.
So yes, thank you.

And also, thank you for reminding me that it wont last forever.
I have heard that when you think it will never end and that it will always be this bad, it does end, its just hard to trust that.

Do you mind if i ask you, how you are doing with anxiety and being overwhelmed?

You are very brave too, and i hope you are doing ok. I am here for you.
Warm and kind thoughts to you too.

[radical]

Thank you Sienna,

Please know that you expressing what it is like helps me too.  It helps me not feel so alone when my own system is run ragged, knowing there are others out there overwhelmed, unable to connect to the world and be supported by it when we need support the most.  It's not a judgement on us, you, me, any of us.  We both know there are plenty of a@#holes out there being showered with undeserved love and kindness 

My walk was lovely.  I walked down an open path with views across the city.  It was nice to feel small, just an observer.  The bush along this trail has been replanted, and since I've lived here, it has grown.  Every spring the sudden growth-spurt makes me feel like I have shrunk, a bit like visiting childhood haunts does, after many years of absense.

We had a long indian summer this autumn, and many deciduous trees are only now in full colour.  I didn't visit the river at the bottom as I usually do because there were walkers chatting and smiling on the flat.  I felt like an alien, so I walked straight across to the the mature bush path back to the top.  This is my favourite path.  It is steep , winding and slippery. It follows alongside a stream at the bottom of a deep ravine in the side of the hill. The fallen leaves are turning to sludge so I have to climb carefully, stepping on exposed roots.   Smaller birds were hunting for insects around me.  The bigger ones were mainly higher, and out of sight, but I enjoyed listening to them. 

The climbing soothed me.  Apparently aerobic exercise releases cortisol.  The rhythm, sounds, colours and smells made me feel more solid and calm with every step.  I could smell distant, household wood fires, and that always makes me feel a bit sad.

The reason I have written all this down, in probably quite boring detail, is that your words were on my mind off and on as I walked.  I wished I could share the peace and softeness I felt because the feelings you described were so familiar to me.  Unfortunately all I can do is to try and describe my own peaceful place, probably  across an ocean, and miles from where you are.

I hope you find some peace very soon!   

Warmest wishes.

[Sienna]

Hey Radical,

Im so glad about that.
It helps me not feel so alone when my own system is run ragged, knowing there are others out there overwhelmed, unable to connect to the world and be supported by it when we need support the most.
I feel the same.

Im so glad you enjoyed your walk. It sounds really nice, peaceful too.
I agree that it is nice to feel small. Its more ..relaxing..safer.

  Every spring the sudden growth-spurt makes me feel like I have shrunk, a bit like visiting childhood haunts does, after many years of absense.
I feel big if i visit where i lived as a child. But i lived with my dad back then..and only went back for like one holiday at xmas.
Who knows how it will be with time.

Are you in Autumn right now? Its summer in the UK.
Im sorry you didnt visit the river for people being there.

I think ive heard that before about exercise releasing cortisol. They recommend doing gentle excursive if you have adrenal fatigue, such as pilates  and stretching, such as, yoga.

I love wood fires, and i understand why they make you sad...im guessing its having people at home - families etc? whilst you walk alone?

That is so sweet of you, and i cant believe i was on your mind.

Thank you so much for describing your peaceful place, and for wanting to share the peace and softness you felt. That means so much.
I wished I could share the peace and softeness I felt because the feelings you described were so familiar to me.  Unfortunately all I can do is to try and describe my own peaceful place, probably  across an ocean, and miles from where you are.

I hope you find some peace very soon!   
Thank you. I hope you do too and that you continue to.

Big hugs to you 

[radical]

Hi Sienna,
Of course. Don't know why I didn't notice it myself.  When I visited my old primary school as an adult, I felt like a giant.  I remember thinking I was in Lilliput.  Of course the bush growth is the complete opposite.  duh.

Going through some s%^$ that means that I need to be less involved in this board for a little while because I have to focus on self-soothing and stop obsessing about the abuse situation that led me here.  Right now, reading too much about abuse is triggering.  Just until I get past where I am now.

It's not about you because I actually felt reassured when I read what you were saying because it is so much how I feel.  It helps me to know I'm not alone.  I really feel for your situation.  I hope you know that you aren't alone, either, and you will get past this horrible time.  Hang in there.

[Sienna]

Hey Radical

I understand about the need to not be triggered and part of this board for a while.
Take however long it takes. I hope you take care.
We will always be here if you want to talk, or if you need support.
You can always pm if you would like to.
I find that taking breaks is important. Its easy for me anyway, to get overwhelmed reading and educating myself about abuse- even reading about others experiences so that i know I'm not alone.
If my post was triggering, whilst being also comforting to you, thank you for taking the time to reply.

Of course. Don't know why I didn't notice it myself.  When I visited my old primary school as an adult, I felt like a giant.  I remember thinking I was in Lilliput.  Of course the bush growth is the complete opposite.  duh.
Oh no, no,..its cool. Now that you wrote that, it makes more sense that you would feel small even if you have been there before.

Im glad you felt less alone and more reassured.
I hope you know that you aren't alone, either, and you will get past this horrible time.  Hang in there.
Thank you. Same goes to you too.
You will be in my thoughts.

[Sienna]

Man it was a long time since i wrote this thread.
Dont know why it feels better to get this out even if know one reads.
Maybe it helps me to touch base if thats the correct word...I want to believe there is a reason for my anxiety..as much as i hate that part of me and want to reject it.

So, this is just a rant.
Still at refuge, and its always been hard for me to just walk into the lounge.
Im realising, that if i do...I just feel tense- different levels, but usually just tense..not comfortable.
Its not comfortable cooking. I feel sooo awkward.
I cant cook anything good to eat when I'm like...full of anxiety...jsut wanting to get the task over with as quickly as possible.

So..there has been the whole none eating thing, and that coping mechanism came about for many different reasons.
One reason is not being able to go and cook.
Last time i talked about that on here, i wished i could not *need* food anymore as i couldnt go out there.
Then a huge trigger happened and i just couldnt eat.
Now, due to the trigger subsiding, I *feel* hungry again, and i don't want a trigger to come and make my appetite go away, and i know its unhealthy, but i hope i can not feel the hunger again. i mean, it will go that way with not eating.
The desire to eat is there though, not to look after myself, but simply cos I'm hungry and adrenally fatigued so I'm craving lots of sugary and salty foods.

One girl was here and i would talk to her, she would knock my door. I didnt enjoy her company as she talked endlessly about herself, which was a trigger for me...but it meant that i did go out of my room.
She left, and i would go and get food, after waiting for the lounge to clear, nothing nutritious- but food, when the other were in bed early in the evenings.

Now a new person has come and as always, I'm nervous about going out there, especially as they are in the lounge until late and they keep going upstairs then coming back down- in and out of the lounge.
I listen, and when there is a gap for a while , i think- i could go now...but i have been being extra sure and she always quickly comes back down.
I feel so ashamed about this. I hate this part of me and i wish i could get it together, but the way i feel around people, i know i would just cringe every second I'm out there, which makes me not want to go.

I have been using the coffee shop for the internet, but also to eat at and drink tea..as i cant even have a cup of tea.
I also think that as I'm in there every day, that the coffee shop peopel think I'm such a weirdo with no life as i sit on my own on my laptop.
Truth is, is that i don't have an active social life. I just managed to finish a sandwich as i didnt eat yesterday, and I'm thinking everyone thinks I'm fat just sat eating by myself.
I used to feel like this at school. This crashing shame and embarrassment and wanting to crawl into a hole.
I hate this feeling.

Whats annoying is that its ME. ITS MY MIND that is stopping me and i don't know what to do, apart from mantras as i havent done any of the deeper work yet..and that feels like so much effort right now, as i don't believe any of the things i could say to myself- ie. thought challenging.
Im to tired adrenally i guess and don't want to thought challenge every evening.

This whole stupid thing started cos i was too afraid to go out there and now because i havent been around, I'm worried what they think of me.
That I'm weird and a loaner or just have a problem with the world- a chip on my shoulder and I'm not very friendly.

I waited for ages in my room before i went out the house today, because that horrible staff woman- staff woman- who i had one near argument with was about.
Its horrible and i don't remember much of my childhood, but i did remember after this happening more than once at the refuge..that i must have done this at home,
too scared to use the bathroom as I would be in trouble, to afraid to go downstairs.
I would listen and wait and what made me remember not the situations but what i used to think was when i said to myself today
*you could have gone then. they are still in there.* i leave it and leave it thinking, i could have gone out then they are still busy...and i worry that when i finally brave it and go out there, i WILL run into that lady (in the past- my mother).
And then the parent part comes out and tells me that I'm a good girl for being able to go out there.
Its like my scary anxiety dreams which at the moment, are waking me in my sleep.
Ah. Just a rant.

[Three Roses]

Rants are healthy sometimes.   

[Sienna]

Thanks Three Roses. I can't do that in real life. Here is good because there is a place for the part of me I'm so ashamed of having to go.