managing my emotions - help! i don't know how to begin!

[sanmagic7]

after doing research on my c-ptsd, i found a list of treatment goals that made sense to me.  the first one was to feel safe, and i have taken steps to do so, and am ready to move ahead.

the second step is self-regulation of my emotions.  this has been an ongoing problem that seems to have gotten worse as time goes by.  i have a difficult time feeling loved, even though, logically, i know i am from a number of sources, including husband, friends, and daughter.  just can't feel it!  have i somehow frozen in this area?  another issue i have is that i'm not in touch with my anger in the present - it often takes me 2 or 3 days after an incident/situation before i realize and can feel how angry i am about it.  and, thirdly, i cry at the drop of a hat.  this began in childhood, i've always been sensitive to the pain of others, especially children, but in a detached way.  for instance, i can't watch movies or tv shows about the holocaust, slavery, torture, the native american tragedy - anything that i believe is fundamentally wrong and uncalled for concerning what one person has done/can do to another that causes such intrinsic pain of mind, body, and soul. 

but i also cry at happy things, such as a kindness being done (again, in reality or on the screen, the feeling is overwhelming to me) or at expressions of love.   i can't even speak of such things without bursting into tears and having to gather myself together in order to finish the sentence.  when i was a child, i remember bursting into tears every time i displeased my dad (who i thought to be like god), and his response would be something to the effect that 'here go the waterworks again'.  i was teased as a child, both by him and by sibs and friends about my crying so much that i eventually stopped crying around the age of 14, (like i built a concrete bunker around me), or avoided situations where i might cry (like singing hymns about how much god loved me),  didn't begin again until i started in therapy at age 38.  now i'm 68, have been crying for 30 years at scenes and situations, and i don't know how to stop!  the concrete has crumbled, and there is so much that i cry at that avoidance is impossible.

i'm seeing a therapist who is barely out of school (i live in a very small town) and she's had no experience with trauma work, so i do a lot of research, print out the info in order to give it to her, so she has a clue as to what's going on with me.  but, on this issue, i'm stuck.  i don't know what to tell her, how to go about getting some semblance of emotional control back, both by being able to feel emotions, and being able to control these tears that come at the slightest provocation.  i am a therapist myself, but i don't know how to treat me!       any feedback is appreciated. 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS sanmagic  .  I was the same, especially if there was something on the news or in a TV show/movie/book about a child or animal being abused.  I just couldn't deal with it, it would cause me to break right down and it would haunt me for days. 

When I would go to the doctor or hospital, I would cry because of the care offered, such a deep longing and aching by the little girl inside that situations like that just brought her to the surface.  It has decreased as I have learned to care for her, to hear her, and soothe and protect herthough.  It was hard getting in touch with her at first so I started by trying to do fun things that a little girl might enjoy - a silly movie, drumming class, colouring and crafts (used loads of glitter), baking cookies -- that kind of thing.  I soothed her when she was scared or hurt as so many of the CPTSD and Inner Child resources suggest, even bought her a giant teddy bear that sits in the corner of the bedroom and makes me smile each night when I go to bed.  It seems to be working.  Younger me is/was very, very scared of the dentist and I had to have a root canal two weeks ago - she was fine, I couldn't believe it.  Quite the first as I am 60 

So maybe starting with some Inner Child work will help bring own the intensity of your emotions?  FWIW - Just my experience of course. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, kizzie.  i never even thought of that.  but getting in touch w/ my little girl seems right.  i'm crying as i write this, so i know it struck a chord.  i'm going to start with her, find out more about her, and go exploring with her.  you and your experience were just what i needed when i needed it. 

[Kizzie]

I hope it helps sanmagic   

[sanmagic7]

it already has.  i've been talking to my little me all day, and it feels so good.  angels do walk the earth, i'm convinced of that, and they're there when we need them.  thanks again.  it's a good start.

[Kizzie]

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