On the subject of Gratitude

[chairmanmeow]

I have never been one for please and thank you, unless I really feel it.
I always figured it was just me, ten my sister related the same feeling...
Those exercises where you are asked the simplest questions are the hardest for me, "What are you grateful for?"
Its not that I dont savor moments I do, often. But Maybe my own standards are warped, It meets me with frustration, expected gratitude I find resentment in my own heart. I do what I must then the next thing after that, I do for you, I do for me.
To have a feeling demanded from me is a pressure I cant cope with, I fall apart. To invest into the expectations of others is like a death sentence for me, Its not that I have no appreciation, I dont know
Is it just me.... 

[woodsgnome]

It's nice to see you here again, chairman meow. Something I read recently touches on some things you bring up, so I'll mention it below. This stems from my own long search and frustration looking for a way home to 'me'. Not to where 'I' was, as that would kill me. But, like you've experienced, it's excruciating to realize that this comes down to an 'alone' job--one finds it's only yourself you can truly rely on, in the end. It does, as you've said, take so much out of us at times, but we trek on anyway.

"It's often uncomfortable to really see that you can't win. Because it means you can't avoid discomfort and fear."---Joey Lott.

At first It's hard to reconcile what I've learned to call 'acceptance' (vs. gratitude), especially of the 'what happened to me/what's wrong with me' parts. Our cultural conditioning says whoa--isn't accepting stuff, especially the bad parts, a giving in, a surrender, a tacit approval of being walked all over, taken advantage of, abused, abandoned? Maybe, but I've also learned that really doesn't matter, even though lots of pain and grief is still reflected in the rear-view mirror. What's mattered more is a willingness to think outside the box, whether one calls this nonconformity or just free-range thinking. It seemed a vital step, for me, to stop the curling up in fear to the past abuses and open to the new horizon, even when it wasn't clearly visible.

In my readjustment, I've found acceptance isn't about winning/losing or revenge or normality or whatever one calls that stuff. Seen in that light, acceptance creates an opening, a welcome space beyond the hurt places. The cloud hiding the chance to break free is gone; one gives up the need for assurance of the always right/wrong, win/lose frame of mind. This is, though, much harder than the trite expression 'just get over it' mindlessly suggests. Well-meaning platitudes don't cut it; they tend to transfer the blame back to the person who 'can't buck it up', laying on another unsolicited layer of guilt and shame.

Within the opening to acceptance there's also room for the undeniable tears, anger, and loneliness of the recovery process. That only sounds paradoxical, as it too rubs against all that conditioning and habit that says all progress is always forward. I'm reminded of a recurring dream I've had in which my old house is totally decrepit and spooky but is replaced by a new one with an empty upstairs. This bothered me at first; I thought it implied an emptiness, when in fact it represented an invitation to create that space anew, in my own way. I'll accept that image as my reality and choose to grow with it. It's allowed, if I first allow that it's okay to not be okay, too; that there might even be times when nothing seems to work. 

The journey will not be consistent, in all likelihood, and it takes renewing one's courage to stick with the new direction. There's still the quest to find and stay within one's comfort zone, but it doesn't confine you either. It's just that via acceptance the pressure to conform is gone. Still lonely, but surprisingly hopeful too.

[chairmanmeow]

Hmmm... Acceptance and Gratitude.. I need to ponder the nuances of the two..
For me its a nuts and bolts of a world view thing. Maybe I simply accept things, I rarely feel Im the protagonist in my life, that sense of here nowness is fleeting. I simply endure because I must, this notion of gratitude implies luxuries I rarely feel I have. And when I do its often over what seems trite to most, When I first met my Ex she microwaved an egg  for me it was awful but no one does anything for me, and I was moved. I also had been riding a bicycle alone for a month and a half and tend to isolate anyway........ and even when I feel gratitude its hard for me to express usually because it is over something dumb, and I hate when people show gratitude at me its akward I dont like it.. its just an aversion I seem to have. A nod and understanding is where I am. So when I have to awnser what I am grateful for in a meaningful way, nothing. I dont feel entitled, should the deer feel grateful for the forest? Should a deer feel resentful at being expected to be grateful for the trees, even when the deer knows were he would be with out the trees? For me the deer appreciates them but finds no gratitude in his heart because he is a deer and deers survive among the trees its all he ever has done, what a silly wast of time. There are those who would call the deer a bad person...

[Jdog]

Chairmanmeow-

I am not the eloquent writer that Woodsgnome is, but when I read your posts I felt motivated to share that I, too, have difficulty with "acceptance."  For me, it seems to be a very static state of affairs, and I have found that the idea of "allowing" life to be as it is is more fluid and implies the possibility of change.  I got this idea by reading the book, "True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart", by Tara Brach.  It has helped me transcend old preconceptions of myself and resulted in a loosening of the reins somewhat.  Tara uses the acronym RAIN - Recognize what is happening, Allow life to be as it is, Investigate your experience with kindness, Non-identification.  She comes from a Buddhist perspective and is a psychologist and well known meditation teacher.  I don't know if any of this may interest you, and it's fine if not.  But I thought I would pass it along.

[chairmanmeow]

Thats the other consideration for me,lol
Buddhism is a mindset so at odds with western expectations and one that has always resonated with me.
So Im glad you bring it up  I wonder if it has something to do with that in myself but its a finger Im hesitant to point.