What's on the other side?

[rlg6859]

As I go through this journey of good days where the past is barely a whisper in my ear to today when I can hear the child inside me whimpering and aching, I realize what terrifies me is that I do not know what lies for me on the other side of recovery.  I don't know how deeply I can transform myself and consequently, my life.  Depression has been my major symptom with CTPSD, and I sometimes cling to it because it is has been my most steadfast partner for 20 odd years.  It is what I know will be.  It is what was there through all the grief and abandonment.  It never left me while people I loved did.  I don't know how I will live without it, yet there are things I crave more in this life than the stifling reassurance that I am ill...some days more ill than other days.  It holds me back and keeps others out of my life due to my own insecurities and my lack of expressing myself productively in interpersonal settings.

I was doing alright for a while, but a new relationship is making me face so many things about myself since I am now aware and mindful about how my childhood affects my relationships with men.  I do not know how to communicate with them.  Assertiveness is something I barely grasp.  When he babies me, I panic because I don't remember ever being treated like a princess.  I was never special.  This all feels like a setback, but at least now I can talk to my therapist about navigating my relationship healthily and learn the skills I never did growing up.

I had a dream where the wind was pushing so much rain through an open window.  Yet, in the way dreams are strange and give hints to our subconscious, I knew and felt the rain was my internal crying.  I closed it and woke up in my lover's arms.  That dream made me realize how much there is this crying going on inside of me, but also showed me that I can control it.  Oh I feel there is so much terrifying hope in my life, but so much sadness.  It's like "every silver lining has a touch of grey."

[Talisien]

I can relate to this. When asked "What would you like to do in the future?" or "What makes you happy?" or "Focus on the happy stuff oe what makes your heart sing" I struggle. I have been "surviving" and "coping" for so long I am not sure what makes me "happy" any more. There a re just bad moments and better moments. How I step past that I don't know.