Feeling some hopelessness

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi I came off anti dep and was fine initially - good even - I felt was getting my life on track and moving forward... Then started feeling more anxious esp at work - became more obsessional and trying to control the external as I felt more out of control... And then bam my thoughts were all consuming 'your worthless useless etc ... I left work ( and am off sick now) and used the behaviour of binge eating which I have been abstinent from for nearly a yr --
Am now back on the anti dep and feel some benefit but my head is still full of hopeless thoughts around my life and The areas that are unstable - my work- home - relationships -- I was also going to move city but won't be doing that any time soon -
Feels my life has been turned upside down
I wake up in terror and the anxiety is bad throughout the day - I am still doing recovery grps and today met friend and went for a walk - creating structure to my day and attending to things the best way I can --
My mind is just so fearful and keeps telling me I am going to lose everything -
I don't have anyone close close to me - people I can speak to but no one who is close to support me ( another thing I beat myself for -
I have 2 assessments pending for mental health - one with the service where I saw child trauma therapist before -
But my thoughts are of hopeless ness -- nothing more can be done for me - assigned a life on anti depressants and numbing -- feel I'm at a blank

Thank u for letting me write - it helps me to see that it is my thinking that really is the problem -
Any suggestions to aid me at present I would greatly appreciate - I have some ability to self soothe ie tell myself 'I will look after you ' but any other suggestions to calm me would be helpful --
This is a really tough time for me and I'm so scared ...
I am off to a mental health support group now to see if I can find some relief --
Best wishes to anyone struggling today

[Jdog]

BSSR

I'm so very sorry that you are in distress.  I don't have any magic formulas but perhaps try remembering that you really are ENOUGH and deserve to be treated well by yourself and everyone else.  This does not depend upon doing things right or not making mistakes or having nice people around you right now.  You matter and being present in this moment is the only way to move forward.

None of this is easy, not for anyone.  We all struggle at times.  I don't know what all of your self soothing strategies may be, and they are probably not the same as mine.  Whatever they are, use as many as possible right now.  Distraction is ok when you are spinning.  You will eventually come out of this maelstrom and be able to know up from down.

Take care, keep writing, and know that you are not alone.

JDog

[Trees]

Dear Boat, you don't deserve to feel hopeless.  You deserve love and acceptance and safety.

Big hugs to you on your journey toward being treasured the way you deserve. 
   

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you

[Rainydaze]

 

I weaned myself off anti-depressants last year around this time and gradually started to feel terrible again. It all came to a head in early December when I went back to my doctor and just immediately started shaking from lack of sleep and crying. Yep, back on the anti-Ds for me! There is no shame in it though. You have blatantly been through many dark times to develop CPTSD and how many people would realistically cope easily after going through what you have? Depression is so misunderstood and I don't think there is ever a quick fix to it, it takes time for the neurons in your brain to reconstruct and build pathways.

Have you been back on the anti-depressants very long? I found when I went back on them I had to just do the bare minimum to survive while waiting for them to improve my outlook, almost like having the flu and accepting I just couldn't function very well for a while. I recommend ignoring every single thought in your head as being due to illness until the brighter thoughts return. You may feel fearful and feel like you are going to lose everything but these thoughts are not necessarily based on reality and can be taken with a pinch of salt.

You're in my thoughts, be kind to yourself. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you blues cruise
Yes me too quote 'bare minimum ' and 'ignoring the thoughts '
I've been on them over 4 wks now and life is once again manageable - thank u God - gee it got really bad this time my nerves were completely shot -
Glad to hear you have some stability back too - it's such a relief to be able to wake up and not 'be in that' horrible ... I really got to see this time that my mental state was connected to past trauma - it was so full on --
Yes no shame in anti dep I just don't really like the side effects ( and have tried many drugs ) but I am grateful that this one works
Best wishes to u

[MoonHare]

Hi Boat, I don't know if this will help you, but for depression I take Natrol 5HTP, twice a day as that is what they say on the bottle, but sometimes if my day is horrendous I have taken 3.

For anxiety I take liquid Valerian Root. I buy this from the Vitamin shoppe. (and yes it is spelt like that)  which is online if you wish to buy it.

I gave up a long time ago on  anti depressants and tranquillisers as they didn't do much for me. I just take the above now and they are natural supplements and have helped me a lot.

My Anxiety can get really bad but with Valerian I can be calm within 30 minutes and feel a lot better.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi moon hare
That's really good to hear - glad they are working for you
I did try 5 htp but it wasn't holding me ... I love valerian - valerian tea is nice

[MoonHare]

Hi Boat when I tried 5HTP it was a shop brand and I felt no difference but somehow Natrol brand helped me though some dark times enough to keep me going, sorry it didn't work for you.

I have never tried Valerian tea, I know the liquid Valerian that i mix with water tastes like mud LOL, but I got used to it....... in the end and am off to go take some now. Take care of you.

[Boatsetsailrose]

And you moon hare ✨🌸 Being kind to ourselves is beautiful