Toxic shame

[Laynelove]

So I've been doing a lot of toxic shame work lately and was doing really well. But I've had a few set backs and I'm feeling back at square one.

Has anyone here made significant progress overcoming it? I was seeing some really great results from the work I was doing but the last week or so I've been feeling really defeated.

Hoping to find some inspiration to keep going.

edited to add: Thread locked due to the original poster having left the forum and the topic being of a specific personal nature. Feel free to start your own thread on a related topic or join a thread of a similar nature.
F.e. Toxic Shame and EF's.

[Kizzie]

Hey Layne - is there something going on that might be triggering the shame? You may not even realize there is a trigger, I know sometimes the feeling will overtake me and I will have to sit and try and figure out what's going on.

What has worked for me is to reduce the triggers. I am NC and LC with my FOO which has reduced  the shame overload and allows me to think/feel more clearly.  I also stand up to the shame which basically means asking if I realistically have any real reason to feel shame or if it is ghost shame that I can let go.  Of course most times it's the latter as we are well trained aren't we?! Saying things to myself like "I do NOT own this shame!" and sending it back to those to whom it belongs (my FOO generally) helps, as do liberal doses of self-compassion and especially allowing myself to feel pride in who I am as a person (finally). 

I remember yelling at my NPDM one day "You are wrong, I am not bad - I am a good and decent person!" and that echoes in my head whenever any shame starts to seep in. That was the beginning of the end of shame for me 

[MaryAnn]

HI Laynelove,

I know the experience all to well.  While I am not ready to say that I have made significant progress, I have made progress over the last six months for the second time.  I had a major set back last September just one day after completing six weeks of extensive outpatient group therapy.  I had made more progress in those six weeks than I had in 2 years of counseling.  Won't go in to detail about the set back but I took a big fall that set me back farther than where I started.  Someone I thought was a friend, basically stripped me of all of the self confidence and thoughts that I could actually feel good about myself.  It has taken six months to get back to where I was at the start of group therapy last fall.

I do not know the history of the trauma and abuse that you have suffered.  I was abused emotionally and physically from the time I was born.  My counselor told me that I had shame based identity.  I found an article that I think explains it very well.   

Many survivors of childhood abuse become what has been called "shame-bound"—meaning that shame has become a dominant factor in the formation of their personality. When this happens, their lives become characterized by shame. They live their lives in a constant state of self-criticism and self-blame or they become exquisitely sensitive to criticism from others and defend against it at every turn. Those who are prone to self-criticism often have a powerful critical inner voice that berates them constantly for imagined or real mistakes and demands that they be perfect. They set unreasonable expectations for themselves and are never satisfied with their performance or achievements. They find it impossible to take in compliments or even to take in positive expressions of love or admiration from others.

The link to the full article is below.  It also gives some good ideas on how to use self-compassion and kindness to heal yourself from shame.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201307/how-compassion-can-heal-shame-childhood

I tell myself each day that I am a good person and I am valuable.  I keep a blue elephant that I named Emmett (like the guy in the Lego movie) with me at all times to remind myself.  I also try to make sure I help at least one person every day so that I can feel that my life has purpose.  And, I listen to music from my favorite musicians.  I still do not know how to accept compliments yet, my mind says that I am not deserving of those.  Hope the article helps.  It is tough and there are stumbles along the way but remember that we all fall down at some point in our lives.  But you get back up and try and try again.    I wish you the best of luck and remember that you need to give yourself  break, that there is no reason for your shame and to forgive yourself. 

Mary Ann

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks for the link MaryAnn, I'll read it later. I'm currently working on my dissociation, but after that I want to tackle shame, as I too identify with the concept of a shame-based personality. What you quoted from the article I relate strongly too.

@ Laynelove: At the moment I'm starting to feel a bit less ashamed, as since a week or so I've come to embrace my victimhood (or at the very least embraced the idea I should embrace "I am (have been?) a victim.) I really couldn't help I stayed in a 50 year long relationship with my 'sis' and 'mom', and the more I read about all the insidious things these PD's do, the better it fits my experiences and memories.
Somehow I'm getting better and better at putting the blame on them. It's hard for me to do, as it feels as I'm passing the buck to them, but I have come to realize that this is what THEY have been doing all my life: passing their buck on to me  .
I think that it's necessary for me to accept I'm a victim, in order to let go of the shame, in the long run. But as I said, I've just started this process, and it's a bit of dangling on a bungee-cord, I do have to remind myself time and again I'm really a victim, but it appears to be progress.