When you both have CPTSD ...

[Tracy]

 
   So my man says he has CPTSD. He for sure has PTSD, and I don't want to trifle over details, I guess...
I have CPTSD.

  We get along in so many ways. We only fight over one thing, ever. (Sex)
We have the same morals and values, we have the same dry sense of humour, we love animals and the earth. Plus we both think the other is pretty snackalicious
SO, it kills me that we fight about sex. A lot. Way more than we ever have it.
My point, and I do have one, is that he keeps venting at me, telling me how 'effing frustrated' I make him, and how MY issues are ruining our sex life, and HE never had issues like this before, etc etc.
He tells me it's been over a YEAR since we have been together and 'why am I still like this? Why do I STILL not 'get' things the way others do? Why is this STILL a problem? Then (it feels to me) like he hijacks my experience (not sure if that's the right way to put it) but if I have an insecurity, and I tell him, suddenly he's all offended saying ' I've been a good man for a year why do you STILL doubt me? Haven't I EARNED. A little trust etc?
So Im All, 'dude, it isn't about YOU, it's about me trying to make sense of my world and how I function in it"
But he takes it as a personal attack, then lashes out at me.
I've told him I can't keep doing this- so I get triggered- and then YOU YELL AT ME FOR OFFENDING YOU-
Because my CPTSD got triggered.
What I don't get is how he can have CPTSD himself, yet be completely clueless as to what is happening for me.
He says I the moment when I do or say something stupid that offends or angers or hurts his feelings, he says he feels like I am doing it ON PURPOSE.
Despite knowing otherwise.
I said well I have been a good woman to YOU for a year- don't I at least deserve the respect >>>>I <<<< have earned  over a year of being a good woman, being honest, kind, loyal, committed, why just jump to the idea that I'm a hagg who's hurting you on purpose? Is that consistent with your experience of me over the year?
Anyway. I just don't get how two ppl with CPTSD can make it work.
I've told him I am getting to the point where it is too hard for me. And I always lose anyway.
Would you play poker if I told you the ante was 100$ and there was NO CHANCE you could win?
Yeah. Didn't think so.
Le sigh. Thanks for letting me get that out.
Nobody in my world understands

[Ronin]

I understand Tracy. I have lived in a very similar relationship; except we fought about everything and she adamantly denied that she suffered from the same things also. Even if she didn't have CPTSD, her symptoms were very similar (I strongly suspect that she had BPD). She was a school teacher who worked with many children with mental health issues, yet she never seemed to be able to grasp the fact that I was suffering. No matter how many times I tried to explain, she either refused to see it, couldn't understand it, or didn't care about it.

What I learned was to establish and enforce boundaries. You have to be consistent with them though. You have the right to choose how people treat you. If you don't like how you are being treated, leave or change the situation. That doesn't mean that you have end the relationship. It can be as simple as terminating the conversation. Leave the room. Hang up the phone. Tell him that you're not comfortable talking about right then, or that you'll talk to him when he can do so civilly.

Here is better information on Boundaries.

What enforcing my boundaries taught me was that she wasn't the one for me. If she couldn't respect my boundaries, then there was no love. No love meant, to me, that there was no reason to continue the relationship. That was just my result though. Boundaries are a part of every healthy relationship. Millions of people have had healthy relationship over the tens of thousands of years of human existence because, at least in part, of healthy boundaries. If you wouldn't allow a stranger to treat you the way that he treats you, why would you allow him to do so? Isn't he supposed to be closer to, and care and respect you more than a complete stranger?

[Jdog]

Tracy-

I so agree with what Ronin is saying.  My wife (we are both women) had the most extreme reaction ever when I had my biggest panic attack nearly 3 years ago.  It was so awful that, for the one and only time ever, I went to a friend's house for the night. She gets triggered by my triggers and it is through careful boundary work, counseling, and meditation, that I am able to navigate and stay within my relationship. 

So, hang in there.  Sometimes, you just may find that you can't talk with your husband at all when you are both triggered.  It is difficult, and natural to want to seek comfort and/or vent when things are scary for you.  But exiting the conversation is truly sometimes the best option.  As far as the sex issue goes, that is a difficult one for me since it involves trusting her more than I sometimes want to or feel is wise.  But, like you and your partner, we share the same morals and values and so forth.  So, after 14 years, I am choosing to stay in the relationship.  But it does take a lot of work. 

Very best wishes to you.

[Whobuddy]

Tracy, when reading your words, I started to tear up a bit as I can feel what you are going through. You are gifted at conveying what is happening and how you feel about it.

I am starting to wonder if my H doesn't have cptsd because of his similar reactions. It is so true, what you say about them not getting it. OOTS is such an important place to me because it is filled with people who do get it.  There are many things I go through that I don't even try to explain to H, sad to say.

I looked at Ronin's link to "Boundaries" and these two statements jumped out:

1. A key to boundaries is knowing your inner self: your beliefs, desires, needs, and intuitions.
***********
This little sentence is like an enormously high mountain to climb. If we were good at knowing ourselves the battle would not exist. This is the challenge and what we all work on.

2.Untreated individuals with personality disorders are dependent on the compliance of others.
*******************
I don't need to comment on this one. It explains so much!

So hang in there, Tracy and know that you are not alone.

[Tracy]

Thank you everyone for your support. It feels better to know I'm not alone-  though I wouldn't wish this on anyone
It is so sad that I can't talk to him about things. I wanted a man who could be strong for me, but he just doesn't have it to give.
I love him though, and will stick it out for a while and see if I can't work through it. I agree with the boundaries thing, I definitely need work on that.
I will try to walk away and say time out, but when he is mad, he just follows me around even if I try to go to the bathroom. I will read the boundaries link and try to firm up my walls, lol
I am so grateful to all of you. This is so hard.
I feel like not only has my trauma ruined my own life, but now, it's ruining his too.

[Ronin]

I feel like not only has my trauma ruined my own life, but now, it's ruining his too.

Your trauma is not ruining his life! You are in no way responsible for his choices and actions. That's just your inner critic telling you that you are guilty. 

If he continues to ignore your boundaries when you try to take a time-out, you might need to leave the building.