feeling like a failure

[tired]

I haven't been on in a while. i had been feeling confident in work and i was getting more clients.  i started making a website. i felt like basically i was over that "can i do this" obstacle.

i have a new client who is very heavy and has some emotional issues. she wanted to come in four times this week. her mother questioned whether thats a good idea and i said it's ok but my reasoning was sort of motivational. i felt like if she's motivated enough to come that means she really wants to lose weight and is depending on me. i could have/should have said once a week is enough but i didn't.  i guess i thought she's young and she keeps saying she feels fine and will tellme if she has pain.

anyway today she said her knees are throbbing and i feel like i shouldn't be doing this. one day i feel like i am the greatest thing then the next day i feel like i shouldn't work at all.  i don't think i should be trusted with anything. 

[arpy1]

hey tired, i hear you, i know it's horrible feeling like this,  it throws everything up in the air and makes it so hard to feel confident.      sending you  to encourage you.

don't forget tho, all the times you have had these self-doubt times with clients and it's turned out so much better than you feared.  you are a good and responsible trainer, and you have good gut instincts. so i would think that if you follow what your instincts say with this lady, you will find the confidence coming back.  you are good at this, tired.  i believe that.  keep hanging in there   

[tired]

thank you
she didn't actually think that i caused her knee pain. she came back the following week and even though her back hurt she scheduled three sessions, came for two of them. so i felt a little better about how i am perceived by her, at least.

last month a client gave me a check and i wasn't sure at that moment if i had offered her a student rate . she paid me the normal rate and i took it and didn't ask her.  i felt weird telling someone oh i have a student rate but you can't have it.  last night she asked me very politely what my rates were and i said oh no are you a student you over paid me.  then i said ok then i owe you four sessions because you paid for four, but paid double. then i realized, i should give her a refund. so i texted her just after she left and said i can refund you what you overpaid and you can pay as you go because i don't expect you to pay in advance ( many people do but i don't expect her to , because she cant afford it).  she didn't answer and at first i thought ok shes driving home then when i didn't get an answer i felt bad.

i feel like i should have said something when she first paid me .  but  i get so so so uncomfortable getting payment. and people always say i don't charge nearly enough even my regular rates.  i go back and forth between wanting to charge whats fair and not feeling like i want any money at all.  if she never paid me i would still trainer her.  in fact ive done that.

last week she told me how i'm a very strong person and she admires me etc .  the client before her always goes on and on about how great i am.  and yesterday continued on about how i'm a great trainer. my client friday said i'm good at what i do.  a client two weeks ago said i'm very resilient.  (I sometimes talk about my personal life).

i just don't know what to think or feel right now. 

i have this chronic feeling of failure and i have to prove to myself that i'm not and it's not possible. i alternate between feeling stupid and feeling maybe a little grandiose.

[tired]

Finding quiet time to be still - that's a good idea .  When I imagine doing that in real life I panic but I know it works.  I feel like when I've taken time to settle down and reflect things go well.  But sometimes I don't allow that.