My Grandfather Passed Away

[KayFly]

My paternal grandfather died. I found out tonight on Facebook. Because I am estranged from my FOO, I have not had contact with anyone including extended family, for almost a year and a half now. I found out because my aunt showed up in the "recommended friends" feed and I saw a picture of her younger self with her father.

Beside my partner who I awoke, who needs to sleep for work (I insisted), this is the first I have spoken about it. I knew this man my whole life. When I first found out, I cried and I screamed, and I almost threw up. I was releasing rage. He was a rage-aholic. Because of the abuse he bestowed upon my father, and the lack of effort on my fathers part, or lack of understanding or resources, that abuse was put on to me, so severely that I had to walk away from my family. I am the one who puts a stop to the rage, violence, abuse. And the pain has been a bit much to bare. It was almost a beautiful release though. Like so full of rage, it just represented that rage leaving me, and leaving the Earth.

The people I have known my whole life. Everything I have ever known is gone. And this is just a heavy reminder. I'm taking the day off of work and school. It was hard to actually give that to myself but I need it.

This is the first time someone in my family has died since I have divorced myself from my family so thoughts like "What is everyone going to think when I am not at the funeral?" "They will think I don't care or am a bad person." are coming up. But more-so, the grief of loosing my entire family is what is coming up, as well as my absence at the funeral confirming that my parents were perpetrators, exposing them.  It really pains me to think of them going through that embarrassment.  The idea of what others are thinking. I wish I didn't stress it so much.

Weird things happened earlier tonight too. I cried over the loss of a friend of mine who took her life recently, and the loss of a person that I loved, that I cannot be around anymore because they represent chaos and what I am used to. That confirms my need to keep safe and think on any reaching out I may need to do with family members who might feel safe.

On my father's side, I love my aunts. I was named after 3 of them. My first and 2 middle names are theirs. I love my cousins on that side.  I didn't really get a chance to tell them that my father and mother were perpetrators, and when I did tell the ones I thought closest to me, they didn't believe me, so I gave up. I walked away. Now feelings of wanting to reach out are coming up.  I don't know what is safe yet. I'm always paranoid my parents/perpetrators will find out where I am or something.  I'm scared of getting drawn back in. It's a heavy, manipulative force to be drawn toward.

Abuse, its like this whole other world. I'm grateful not to be in it and to be healing. But I am sad this evening and needed to share.

edited to add: Thread locked due to the original poster having left the forum and the topic being of a specific personal nature. Feel free to start your own thread on a related topic or join a thread of a similar nature.

[woodsgnome]

 

Thank you, KayFly, for sharing this story of how the pain of what we experience in this cptsd journey comes up in so many ways. Interestingly, I had just read the following from a meditation series called A Healing Space...I hope these words can help in their own small way...

From A Healing Space (http://alovinghealingspace.blogspot.com/), by Matt Licata, 3 February 2016:

It's okay to feel sad.

The presence of sadness is not evidence that something is wrong with you. It does not mean anything, actually, about your worth as a person, or that you have 'failed.' It means you are alive.

Sadness is not something you must fix, cure, or transform. It need not be healed. But held. In the vastness that you are. You need not 'shift' sadness into some 'higher' state or apply teachings to it so that it will yield into something else. It is complete and pure on its own.

Stay close to your sadness and surround it with presence and with warmth. Not the story 'about' sadness, nor your interpretations of it, but the raw sensations that are coursing through you. For they are carriers of sacred life energy.

In this way sadness will be revealed to be what it is, a hidden wisdom-guide of aliveness, come to remind you of something you've forgotten.

[KayFly]

Thank you for the link woodsgnome  I appreciate your understanding and encouragement to really just face this.

It's been hard to sit with this amount of pain and sadness. I felt so alone when I posted that last night, but now I have talked to many, and even went to classes and work today and just looked for healthy distractions. I even worked out which I had not done for awhile. It's strange how things drive us, and the timing at which they do.

Waterman.  Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your story and for giving me a piece of esteem in my choices.  It is decided. I will not go to that funeral. No way. I will not ever do anything to possibly compromise my emotional, spiritual well-being, or be sucked back into a world that took so much pain to get out of. It was so hard to get out. Maybe in the future, if it is meant to be, I will talk to a distant relative

Like woodsgnome said, its okay to just be in these feelings.

I really appreciate the support. I was starting to feel like everyone hated me on here or something.