Blocks to expressing anger??!!

[Indigochild]

I know that there is anger suppression and dissociation.
Do you know if there is such a thing as suppressing anger so much that you feel it, but then it goes right away like it never even existed?
Maybe that means that your best efforts at disassociating from it are working.
i just tried thrashing some pillows, as anger was seething under the surface- but i felt numb , not angry.
Its like the anger has just vanished under my skin, like it wasnt even there.
This is frustrating.

[EmoVulcan]

I feel that. Sometimes I can feel mad, and it progresses to angry tears...other times it just fades away, like it did not exist.
A couple of times I did get to rage, but I pulled my hulk back, he's ugly! And yep scares me. I was never allowed to express negative feelings, and I maintained clinical detachment from them growing up..only occasionally breaking down when I was alone. Easier to connect anger to my first marriage, I guess being more recent.

[Indigochild]

Hi EmoVulcan

Thanks for your reply.
Its good to see that someone can relate.
Same here about not being allowed to express negative feelings.
My anger scares me too. I dont think i was feeling the anger fully enough for it to come out, but i think it should of come out.
Maybe in time it will get easier. I have not broke out of dissociation yet though or anything.

Yes, i find anger is easier to connect to events that have just gone- more present events.= and not the past so much.

[EmoVulcan]

Lately, I have been trying to be open to the idea I may be resisting feeling/dealing with anger at my abusive father...the problems are many with this, instilled blocks to anger, obedience, and. Even rebellion.  But, if I understand nothing else, I recognize my father was also a victim of a cycle of abuse...I think that merits compassion for him,  not to excuse, the act was reprehensible, selfish in nature and without regard to consequences..though that has to be torture to know how fragile his safety from them, and I could not avoid them, in fact fear of everything I knew being decimated kept me silent..as it does for many I think. 
So, I do not know for sure, but I think I am OK with my childhood, and iii may indeed my marriage I need to deal with now to continue integrating my inner child into a whole self.
I think that is factually where I am, I suppose time will tell.

[Indigochild]

EmoVulcan

I think i know whats going on with me, might be the same for you too.
I am a disasociator, always have been, the sort of dissociation that happenes in my head with out choice to block things out.
I feel like I am a bottle, with so much energy and anger in there, only when i try to take the lid off (express the anger), nothing comes out- the lid is too tight shut on the bottle.
I know i dont feel feelings like most people. The emotional numbness I'm comming to realise I have, that i never realised before, is scary.
My T wanted me to focus on where i feel things in my body, and I'm realsieing how much energy is in there, even nervous, agitated energy, that comes when i feel nothing at all, when i feel dead inside, and i need to feel something which is why I'm addicted to crisis, apart from the fact that my brain expects unhappiness and crisis because of my previous home life, as well as self sabotage etc.- there are so many layers, no wonder this is hard to unravel.
Im comming to realise too that I'm afraid of being empty, if i have no anger etc. and theturbulant emotions settle down...im scared i will literally be empty.
Apparently this is just a phase in recovery...but to feel nothing?!!

Yes, disasociating for so long, being punished for asserting boundaries, for expressing anger and or other emotions, the brain has learnt not to let go.
Even when i do let go unintentionally when pushed just too far, i disassociate when  rage, so i never feel the anger when Its comming out anyway!

Yes, fear , keeping silent is control.
I want through a phase of *forgiving* my mother, only that wasnt real. I blamed myself and thought i was wrong when now i have a T telling me it wasnt me.
Im angry at her, and whilst i feel empathy for her, Im still angry or rather, - getting there.
The anger i had towards her growing up has been long suppressed.
I must of had to suppress it big time living with that much rage- and truth is, i did.

So yes, just wanted to say that maybe you think you are recovered on this bit, but you might not be, however , you also might just be.

[Bimsy]

Indigo!

I can relate so much to what you are describing!

I can get irritated at times but true anger is always quickly suppressed with a sudden feeling of panic and fear, then I just go numb.

I relate this to abusive parents that became offended whenever I tried to set boundaries between us, and if I got mad they also became mad and violent or threatening.
So it wasn't good for my survival to be mad and stand up for myself, it was better to sneak away from them and try and create some space for myself to exist despite what they said.
This have followed me around, as a sort of rebellious resistance that I will disobey as soon as the authority figures are not looking.

Also the addiction with crisis, usually in love relationships.
I guess that if you live with relationships that are in crisis and long for a better day then that is all you know and will repeat over and over.
Or just not have any relationships at all :/

I only got one tip for you: Don't try and pressure yourself to feel this anger.
I tried this in therapy and it became very traumatic, partly because my T didn't notice that it was too much for me as my facial expression doesn't show what's going on inside.
So she kept pressuring me until it drove me into a blur and I had to stop seeing her.

Thank you so much for posting about this! 
It feels good to finally read about someone that can relate to this complex emotional dilemma.

[Indigochild]

Hi Bimsy,

Panick and fear - i dont always realise what is going on with me, and in therapy i am currently working on just noticing, so yes, panic and fear over takes and leads me to feeling numb.

Im sorry about your childhood experience when it comes to your parents and anger and boundaries. Its not fair is it and I'm sorry it happened to you and that it is causing you difficulty now.
It was the same for me.
Now if pushed too far and i do rage, i come out of my body whilst its happening, then feel numb when its over.
I wasnt allowed to question anything, wasnt allowed to set healthy boundaries, wasnt allowed to express anger or feelings.
I have that rebellious streak too.

Yes, i agree that we repeat all we know over and over.
Thankyou so much for the tip.
I havent been pressuring myself to feel.
Yesterday anger came, and i was able to express it at my punch bag.
Its pretty overwhelming and scary.
Im beginning to notice all this energy and anger inside me, since I'm getting more n touch with where i feel emotions in my body, and i think yesterday i reached my limit and i did it for my own sanity and my own physical health.
I vomited after and felt really nauseous, not sure if it was a mini panic attack, but i was hyperventilating and felt anxious after releasing rage.
I guess we are wired up to expect punishment and scary things to happen when we express anger.

How crazy that your T didnt notice that you wasnt ready to do the anger thing. Im sorry you had to leave, that sucks. I hope you have or will find a better therapist.
We are taking things really slow, and thats good.

Its also good to have others who can relate. (bitter sweet).

good luck with anger and this journey. Im guessing your new here, so if so, welcome, glad to have you. 

[Bimsy]

Thanks for the welcoming everyone is so nice here, it's wonderful to see!

I am sorry to hear that you did also experience these problems with your parents!
In a way I figured it must have been something like the things I went through since we seem to react pretty similar.
I do remember now that I actually can become angry if I am pressured into a corner, from what I've heard I look pretty scary when that happens
I don't really know, I just get really mean and defensive until people leave me alone. 

I'm glad to read that you are working with your anger, in the future I wish to do the same thing.
For me my anger usually feels like a clump in my throat, I've read or heard somewhere that it feels like that when you hold back things that you really need to say.
May I ask where you feel your anger?

It sounds like you are going through some sort of cleansing, both spiritually and maybe physically (with the vomiting), it seems intense!
How did you feel afterwards?
I admire your courage to deal with these feelings, I think I can imagine just how scary it must be. 

By the way, is your T educated to take care of people with PTSD and CPTSD?
I'm just asking since I am looking around for someone that is.

I hope you don't mind me asking a lot of stuff I just want to know everything now that I know about CPTSD!

[Indigochild]

Hi Bimsy

Aww, no problem..everyone is nice here i agree, including yourself.
And totally fine about the questions- dont mind at all. If you didnt ask, you wouldnt know ad its great that your asking. I have lots of questions and started out with tonnes.

Interesting. I feel anger inside my chet and stomach. Maybe my back stores it too as my back aches a lot.
I like the idea of going through cleansing! How cool is that! I hope so. Maybe a spiritual awakening or something, but i think that happened already.
Afterwards I felt really sad, so cried for a minute, then felt sick and panicky, I was hyperventilating, and I felt anxious that some punishment was going to come, even though i was alone in the house.

Thankyou so much about the courage. It is pretty scary.
T is educated to deal with Cptsd and Ptsd.
I asked her lots of questions that i found fro the internet, to see if she specialised in the aeas i thought she should specalise in.
I hope you find someone. Its a bit trial and error finding the right one sometimes.

[Bimsy]

Thank you Indigo

Trial and error indeed, I've already contacted a place in another city that deals with PTSD so we'll see what they have to offer!

The anger feelings in the chest sounds very emotional, if I try and feel what that would feel like I kinda feel like someone hurt my feelings.
Can't really figure out the pain in the back though but I am curious of what it could mean!
Maybe some sort of physical anger, like wanting to attack someone.. I don't know I'm just playing with the thought as I like to imagine how other people feel things.

You said you felt sad after the rage, I think my emotions usually comes in that order too.
First we get attacked and feel angry and defensive and then the hurt emotions, sadness of being hurt by someone we trusted.
That is how I think of it anyway
It sounds like you're doing the right thing anyway, a good cry is always very cleansing I think!

Sometimes it's hard to know if it's a rewarding kind of pain that leads to healing eventually or if it's a kind of pain that just adds to the burden.
Like when you are in therapy and think that it's supposed to hurt before it feels better, there is a difference between healing hurt and just being hurt again though.
So I always look for that good kind of hurt, it's not easy but essential I think!
And you seem to have the good kind of hurt from what I can tell what a great thing!

[Bimsy]

Spartanlifecoach just talked about throat constriction as a symptom of highly demanding parents, it also makes sense!

[tired]

I have the same thing happen so I don't really try.  Maybe it would help to focus more on accepting anger as a reality.  My problem is trying to deny it exists so trying to express it in order to get rid of it doesn't work.   I'm thinking an indirect approach would be better-just say I accept that I'm angry and then it will naturally come out somehow. 

[Indigochild]

Hi Bimsy

Good luck with the PTSD place.
Maybe someone did hurt your feelings. I have it when others are disrespectful or impolite, but really under there is sadness that they are being this way.

Yes me too about the pain in the back. Do you have this too?
The anger for me anyway is very physical and verbal.

Yes, that order of emotions - anger then sadness makes sense. Anger is usually the pushier emotion that wants to come first. It is a protective defence, against others, but also for us, to stop us feeling the sadness underneath.
T said to me that my anger has been so long suppressed that other feelings are starting to leak out beneath the lid that is anger.
That is how I think of it anyway

I know. I think that all pain is healing, you might find you have new pain that adds to the burden, but it may come from a similar place, and I guess that burden can be a big one, but one day it will be expressed and things will shift.

Yes sure, if you are hurt again, that is an opportunity to learn, however it sucks i know.
And that- being hurt again that you may experience now from other people in your life, it could be a pattern that we are sub consciously repeating. I know not everyone likes to hear that. Its not our fault. We attract similar situations and people into our lives to the origional abusers we had.

I think that any kind of hurt we experience, weather present, or a reminder of the past, is al because of old hurts as in my life anyway, the real hurts i have experienced mirror the origional hurts in my childhood.

Hope this makes sense.

[Indigochild]

Hi tired,

Im not sure if i have accepted anger as a reality.
Expressing anger started after T said to me to notice where I feel things in my body- anger etc.
I realised that my body is knackered, its in pain, and i have so much tension, anger and anxiety swirling around inside there all the time.
This week was very flashbacky, in an angry way, and i realised that i was too restless to come home and not do anything about it.
I didnt want to stuff it, as, with therapists validation, i felt that it was ok to be angry- as i am being treated unfairly in my life now by certain others, and i was by my parents.
I felt i had no choice but to explode with rage, so i did.
I have been looking at boundaries too and I'm angry because it seems that my bounties are not respected- in fact, i know they are not.
I watched a youtube video on boundaries and i felt angry and think I'm starting to believed that what my parents did to me was not my fault, as in, i didnt do anything what so ever to deserve them treading on my boundreis and treating me as badly as they did.

T said to me too to say to myself- I'm angry, when I'm angry. I dont do this all the time, nut it may help you. I think it will come when ever it comes.
Maybe realising what happened to you, what *really* happened to you and maybe how its manifesting in your life now may help?
What my parents did was wrong making me suppress everything i felt under the sun, punishing me for any tiny expression of anger i made, and like a tiger locked in a cage, these feelings rattle around inside of you, and i went mad, developed ocd and anxiety...if i care so much for those animals, and that is like what happened to me, then that is awful and i dont deserve that. Im now carrying on suppressing stuff like my parents wanted me to, being a good little girl but now i dont give a ****.
I hope this helps you somewhat. It will come. I honestly think seeing a T has helped me wit this - I'm not done, but she has set it rolling.

[tired]

Being angry basically means losing my parents forever. Because it means yes they failed, it's true that they failed, and I can never talk to them again. It means that there is no way I can become a child and have parents.  My lifelong ambition, to have parents, will never happen. 

Blocking all contact with them was the first step for me and after 2 years of going back and forth, I've been feeling less guilty and at the same time more angry.  I feel like I'm hurting them this way but I can't do anything about it.  I can't make them into better people. 

The weird thing is that when I feel angry I immediately stop feeling it.  It disappears when I feel it.  But it's like I have so much of it and I can't take a lot at once.  I imagine I will die if I do.  Maybe it's true that too much stress from feeling anger can raise your stress hormones and kill you.  I worry about that.