Hello- first post

[bronwynn]

This is my first post-  I am hoping this is, a good place to be. I am a survivor of several types of childhood abuse, and later on domestic violence.  I have been diagnosed with cPTSD among other things, and have been in and out of therapy since 1992.  My latest therapist used EMDR, which was very effective, and I will be going back to do this again at some point. Right now I am having a very hard time because a co-worker verbally attacked me in a meeting on Thursday, and since then I have been a mess. I am afraid to go back to work- I did go for a few hours yesterday but left early, after staying in my office and working where I was safest until I had reports completed that had to be done. My boss had lunch with me and I gave her a very abbreviated explanation about my cPTSD and told her I need a few days to be okay before returning to work, which she is fine with. I am supposed to try to return on Monday. Honestly, I am trying not to cry all day long, and I am terrified I will come face-to-face with her in the hall or around a corner and will lose control and become a crying mess. I feel panicky, and am back in back places emotionally that I have not experienced in more than a dozen years. This makes me so angry- it is like all the progress I have worked so hard to make has been wiped away. I would love to hear from anyone who has had similar experiences, with advice on how I can get past this as quickly as possible. I don't like feeling like this and thought I was past this. Thank you for any help you can offer.

[Rehana]

Hi bronwynn,

First off, welcome and thank you for reaching out on here and sharing your experience. It seems you are very aware of yourself and have had years of experience in healing and recovery ~ kudos to you for supporting yourself in such a way, and acknowledging your past.
I am so sorry to hear about the verbal attack at work. This creates such a hostile environment, no wonder you don't want to return back on Monday, and no wonder it triggered you! It is so important to have a positive work space, especially for those of us that suffer from c-ptsd. I want to acknowledge and validate your triggered feelings, and share with you that I've experienced similar situations.
I'm not an expert or therapist, but it seems in my experience that c-ptsd can come out of nowhere, no matter how much healing has been done. The feelings that come after a trigger might be different for everyone, but they feel real and inescapable. It is such a frightening feeling to think that after all those years of recovery, you're right back where you started.
I was recently triggered myself in an interaction with my parents (both are narcissists) and all of these feelings I thought I'd conquered came back (anxiety, guilt, shame, indifference, sadness, anger). What I'm beginning to realize now is it's not about conquering or never feeling those triggered emotions ever again, but how we approach them and deal with them when they do arise. In my experience I've found that allowing myself to ride the trigger train, rather than resist it, to be the most effective method. Allowing yourself to be in those feelings is in a way acknowledging that they are valid, that YOU are real and experiencing it. While you are in triggered mode, remind yourself that this feeling of going backwards in your recovery is fleeting, and you will once again return to your healing place. All of the work you have put into your recovery wasn't for nothing, the trigger train will pass.
I hope this helps, even a little bit, and I also want to mention that this is just my thought process and way of dealing with the trigger train - it may not apply to anyone else, so if it doesn't vibe with you then there is another more personal way out there waiting for you to discover 

I'll be sending loving vibes your way on Monday!