I want to study but I'm scared of other people's ignorance and cruelty

[Multicolour]

I had bad experiences of study but I really want to participate in life, to fulfill more of my potential. I want to study writing but I just can't stand the thought of subjecting myself to what happens in higher education, people saying hateful or just ignorant things about child sexual abuse. Because whenever it happens I feel so unsafe and worthless.

I usually try to get language that excuses abuse addressed by those with power, to make it stop, but my past experiences trying to study writing is that head tutors tend to defend the actions of the person who was hurtful or offensive. Last time I was told it was "free speech" but what this other student said was absolutely disgusting. No-one else was upset by it so I felt so alone and invalid and worthless. I cancelled my enrollment.

I feel like if we survivors don't express ourselves then all we hear, in film or in literature, is from the abusers or enablers perspective. But in order to express myself I have to subject myself to hurt and abuse from others, and if I try to complain I have my feelings denied yet again by those in power.

It's like a reenactment or reinforcement of the original abuse. I'm abused, silenced and my reality denied. I had an ok experience studying a short course last year but I want to do a proper degree and it's there that I've found so many objectionable attitudes in the past. It almost feels like it's a badge of honour to some people to be insensitive to the impact of abuse and violence.

On top of this my partner never lets me talk about the abuse. So I'm scared that if I study then some days I'm only going to be around people who deny my reality, at home and at uni. That feels dangerous to my health. But I'm furious that I feel so afraid and so limited.

[seriousann333]

You have a right to your feelings and to the telling of your story without being blamed or made to feel marginalized for being subjected to cruelty. People do want to hear stories of hardship and triumph. The only thing is the sharing of stories needs to be in a supportive environment. Just a thought, I used to run creative arts and writing groups with Veterans. It had its challenges of course. I saw tremendous support within a groups of people who have trauma in their histories. I worked hard to make the environment safe for Vets to share pain and receive support. Also I started a group exclusively for women sexual abuse survivors. Believe me, there was no judgement in the room because they were in a safe place and reminded to keep it safe. If anyone in these groups showed disrespect for another it would be brought up and redirected. Perhaps start an online group of creative writers?  Maybe a book to help educate enablers and shamers of the cycle they're perpetuating? Knowledge is power and people need to walk in our shoes.
Take care
Seriousann333

[seriousann333]

Multicolor
One more thought about your writing dilemma. Perhaps seek out a creative arts therapist in your area? There are art, writing, drama and expressive arts therapists all over the country, worth a Google search. A trained creative arts therapist can provide guidance and skill to ensure safe and supportive creative expression.
Best wishes
Seriousann333

[Multicolour]

Seriousann
Thanks for telling me about the groups you have been involved in (it's really good to hear), and for validating my feelings about this.
I think it might be good to be involved in a supportive group, but I want to study for a degree and try to have a stronger career. It's being in mainstream study environment that I want and think I do have a right to feel safe in, but it's not always the case.

I love your idea of writing something about shamers and enablers. It's bad enough to be abused, the lack of understanding or empathy from non-survivors causes so much pain and disablement on top of the abuse. I think it disables me as much as the original abuse.

I admire people who are 'out' about being survivors. So far I know of a sportsperson, a counseller, and a talk show host (Oprah!). I wish for a future where we can all talk openly about being survivors and know that we will be understood and respected.

I really like the idea of a group of writers. I'd like to meet face to face though. I have belonged to a few writers groups- I recently left one because of feeling uncomfortable about the topics others were writing about. I love the idea of a safe space writing group. Thanks

[EmoVulcan]

Multicolor, you seem to write fairly well, a course in writing will maybe give you a basis to build on..but the best way to learn is to do.  I have been writing, opining, educating and
Drawing attention to the reality of 'victim mentality': which in truth is Avoidance, or not addressing the causes and root disconnects people have.

This is against great resistance, and OK, takes courage to place fragile senses of what is against the public's need to feel safe against predation; perhaps niggling guilt for consigning others to disenfranchisement; a need to feel 'right' and deserving of the comforts they have; and the blaming  of victims is to negate the fact it could be them, and would be them given any of our life histories.

The voicing of this issue is as complex as the issues resulting from it.  In truth, our words, even written most consciously, sound like an attack, and it is, on others reality.
Even though the statistics are painting an unacceptable amount of damage, the damagers do not want this to out, lest they have to remedy the mess they in fact made.

A complication is abusers were often (I am almost certain nearly all but a few) are cyclical victims themselves. They are as likely as we to deny wrongdoing, even as we want to hold them responsible for the actions they indulged in, without care for their victims aftermath.  Many are as tortured by their own minds as well.

This is only my opinion, and the only solution I have at present to employ.  We need to treat all with compassion, and (difficult) acceptance of cycles began well before our time, that only now are being understood in a different light...because "we" are speaking up, and encouraging others to do the same.

We have a right to be heard, and it is not simply by dedicated and practiced wordsmiths.
The simple emotional impact, can sometimes better be conveyed in a victims own words.  I have to say, however, my first attempts at expression, were barely readable, incoherant rants.  Now, I think they were the product of a two year olds thinking.     

I am getting past the need for details of my own abuse...to address the true issues of communication blocks, marginalization, Ignorance, and silence in the face of shaming for sociatal comfort.  Then there is the parental fear of discovery, or outside interference bent on extracting pennance that just increases family trauma and fracturing. (No, I do not see simple anywhere).

Just keep writing, for yourself.  You will improve as you go along, and this will increase awareness, as long as we maybe try to think this way...hate the action, not the actor...we all make mistakes...we are supposed to learn from them....but I guess there has to be someone to reach out and teach as well.

[seriousann333]

 I will gladly accept feedback regarding this:
I write and make art because I need to. It's something I can control. I have ideas to get out there to but fear the impact on my career. I don't want any of my clients to know my story because I don't want to trigger them. (I wrote a clean version of my strory on my introduction to this forum, please read it if you want, any feedback is appreciated). I've considered creating a fake name for my own protection. Any thoughts?

Also, Muticolor about you studying writing. Have you gone to speak to a campus counselor about your needs? Perhaps some accommodations can be made to ensure a safe learning environment? Such as if and when triggered you can take breaks etc.? Everyone has a right to an education.

EmoVulcan: Your post inspired me to think about how important it is for us to share our experiences and impact of abuse regardless of how it may be percieved. True stories of abuse and survival can hold people accountable for their actions. Also our survival means abusers couldn't erase us or silence us. I often think about abusers as feeling powerless and subsequently taking power away from others. Getting their sense of self from others. I use my abuse experiences as fuel for my fire within. I took their crap and now will tranform it into something more powerful than anyones expectations.
Thanks for giving me space to rant!

[woodsgnome]

Thank you for posting about this, Multicolour. I relate well to your hurt at not finding empathetic people who don't put others down. I live in a very remote area--nice people around, but also a "macho-dacho" mentality that treats topics like cptsd/ptsd with scorn and ridicule. In fact, these people disguise a lot of their own pain that way, but I no longer care what the "understanding" part of me wants to say; it just hurts that I can't communicate something important to me. It's invalidating, as you point out.

So I look elsewhere for help; even live therapists are few and very far between in these parts. I did, however, find one website that's been helpful, both in the writing I like to do but especially for the insights I find there, so I'll discuss that a bit and hope you give it a look.

I've subscribed (free via email) to a weekly series of writing prompts called "The Writer's Journey Roadmap" put together by Laura Davis of Santa Cruz, California. Davis is an abuse survivor herself and has been running writing programs for several years.

I find her writing prompts extremely useful. She also offers writing retreats and trips designed for writers. My experience has been just the writing prompts, and they often reflect on issues that abuse victims can relate to. Besides the prompts themselves, she encourages people to respond with their own takes. There's some good, heartfelt reflections in there.

Her site is: http://lauradavis.net/

The details of her various programs are all described there.

Meanwhile, take good care; the journey's rough, but there are bright spots if we look. 

[EmoVulcan]

 :hug:seriousanna,  we have been silent and fearful far too, long. I endeavor for compassion and grace for all caught in these devastating cycles. No more abuses. One thrived at a time, maybe.

[Multicolour]

So wonderful to read the discussion here, thanks EmoVulcan, Woodsgnome, seriousann.

Good news, I have started the application process for a writing course!

Part of my safety checking has been to find out who the main teachers are, call and speak with them. I asked a general-sounding question about how they respond to conflict in class, to sort of sound people out. So far the responses have been good, and the teaching staff's responses have indicated respect for people's right to feel safe and to respect different feelings. There was also an acknowledgement that it happens and that universities can always do better. So it felt like a realistic response, and I am establishing relationships.

That's a start. In class I want to be able to hold onto the truth that other people's actions are theirs and I have absolutely no control over them, it's not my fault, and I didn't cause them. Also that their denial or hate has no relevance to me or my lived experience.

I want to feel solid and valuable and valid and real, no matter what others think. I'm scared but I also know it's completely unfair for me to live in fear. Speaking out about abuse is part of me being real, not hiding what has impacted my life more than anything else is important. It's not my shame. I also think that if I speak out this time and establish my truth, it's harder for the denialists to hurt me, because I've claimed my existence out loud.

What EmoVulcan wrote about our truth being an attack on others reality is so true, but I'm finished with keeping other people's reality stable when mine has so rarely been acknowledged.

Seriousann I think it can only help your clients to know you are a survivor- so long as you are in a place where it won't overwhelm the clients story.

And Woodsgnome thanks for the link, I will check it out. Love to everyone, this has been so helpful.

[seriousann333]

Great news Multicolor! I am inspired by your perseverance. Let us know how your university experience unfolds!
Seriousann333

[EmoVulcan]

 :applause:congrats multicolor, classwork is good to help you learn to meet deadlines...I need to set myself some, so I could build a portfolio... I hope you'll share with us!
In class, pretend you have blinders on...and practice knowing they are not talking about you, but about themselves

Funny, I never assumed anyone was talking about me, I mean most of the time they do not later remember I was there...I always thought of that was gift...good thing I please people, because I would be trouble otherwise.  But I can write good characters from years of observing people.

Seriousann I was thinking, the best T, has some experiences of their own...the requirement for empathy is high, sympathy just won't be gentle and as capable of understanding things not quite express able in words...so sharing a mini-bio would  ease my anxiety whole lot!  I think it is good, to be human and functional, in spite of the rough road we travel.