An exchange of mails with my female parent

[Dutch Uncle]

Yesterday* was a good day.
And it gave me the courage and peace-of-mind to do something I have dreaded for a while: to reopen a series of mails that we exchanged the day after her birthday-party last year.
Since then I have been LC.

It was a particular nasty exchange. By her. I was very 'on the ball' and didn't let me push around. So it was also a particular 'beautiful' exchange. Strange that.
Her contribution was a pack of lies.
I knew it then, and I called her out on it.
To which she reacted by telling new lies. Lies obfuscating the lies that were exposed.
I didn't fall for it.

At times though I still get this nagging feeling: "What if I am wrong?"
And for fear of being wrong, I didn't dare to reopen the mails.
I did yesterday.
And it's all there in black and white. Lies. Fauxpologies.
Taking 'credit' for fauxpoligies as in "Didn't you see I already apologized in the first sentence?!" Yes mom you did.
The next sentence she did throw a lie on top of the old one, negating the apology in the first place. What's so special about making apologies in the first place, mom? I actually wrote that back, lol: "Making apologies is nothing special: one just erases a negative. Doing so does not turn it into a positive. One merely evens the playing field again, that one herself has messed up in the first place. Nothing "chest-thumping" worthy, mom."
No medals to be handed out for that. No trophy to put in your cupboard. No one-upmanship to be had from that. I guess her subsequent lies proof she's all to aware of that, herself.
Boy, was I proud of myself when I wrote that then, and did I feel good reading that back.

Off-course that remark of me had to be trumped by her by more, and more vicious, lies. LOL. With a tear in the eye. The one-upmanship has to be had by her some other way. And she couldn't wait to get there. By putting me down. With lies.

It's a sad story, really. But I'm happy I did this by mail. Usually Previously these exchanges would be face-to-face or by phone. Leaving me utterly confused. Questioning my memory. Questioning "How did I ended up here?"
This TherapistMom surely has a well developed vocabulary in the psycho-babble field. It really is an uneven battle, I realized about two years ago.
How could I have known, before me coming out of the FOG, that these talks I had with my smother were never about getting somewhere together, but were about her maintaining the upper hand? And about me being kept on a leash, with her dragging me behind her like her pet lap-dog?
I couldn't. What a crazy incentive to engage in a conversation is that? I know nobody else who does that.
Now I do.

The only incentive she has, apparently, is to even the playing filed so she can immediately tip it again in her favor.
If it's not in her favor, yes then she has the incentive to square it out. To strike immediately with lies, innuendo, manipulation and FOGmachines, smoke-granades to tip it towards her and throw me off-balance when I had just relaxed my muscles on this even ground.

It has been pretty horrifying re-reading it.
I read it six times or so.
Yes I was 'belligerent', but they were all counter-blows. Not directed at her body, not intended to harm, but simply to take the energy out of the blows that kept coming my way. Relentlessly.
And that was pretty good to observe of myself actually. It made me proud of myself. I fought back.
Self defense. And not scared of hurting the fists that were coming my way, yet no punching below the belt to come out the 'winner'.
It was a beautiful draw. And that was a victory in itself. I do not wish for more.

I had worn her out in the end. Every blow she had thrown at me I had countered. I was left unbattered, unbruised.
"I don't know what more you want of me!" she exclaimed in he end. "I'm off to bed now!"
"Fine", I answered.
I haven't seen or spoken to her since, close to a year now.
I replied to a few of her mails, MC.
The intervals between her hovering are ever increasing.

It's a sad happiness, finding myself at this point in time.
But I'm not going back. There is no turning back.
It's a dark place, smothers place.  
It's the place of lies.

This is a story of recovery. Finally I have a record of all the lies, manipulation, twisting and turning, squirming, viciousness, relentlessness that come my way in these 'conversations'.
And I also have a record on how I respond to these attacks. I'm pretty sure this 'play' has been going on for ages. Neither of us has ever behaved differently.
Only now I could stand my ground. Because with every reply I could read and re-read what was actually said. Her FOGmachines didn't affect my computer screen. It was all there in all it's ugliness.
I used to be overwhelmed by all the new lies coming my way, and the ever returning doubt if somehow I was 'wrong', missed something, misheard something, misremembered words and/or events.
Not anymore.
What a difference a mail makes...

Let's continue to blow out the FOG still residing in my mind. It's been relegated to the corners of my mind already. It will be quite a task to get it all out. Perhaps I never will. But I have found confidence that I now know which way to blow it when I spot it.
I'll 'just' have to move/adjust the fan blowing it the right way, and open the window.
And I'm pretty sure a FOGless brain will offset most of my cPTSD, perhaps even 'cure' it. But at the very least make it a manageable 'condition'.
I don't mind walking around with a stick. As long as I can walk.

*) I wrote this a few days back, but decided to let it simmer a bit more.
It feels good to read it back.
And I did realize the past few days that the LC with my female parent will inevitably evolve into NC.
It made me sad and incredibly angry. I realized I cannot even tell my 'mom' that I'm doing well. Even that will be twisted, disbelieved, attacked. I will be made to belief I suck. This has happened so often.
I have stood in front of the mirror, yelling at her. Making obscene gestures. Passionately. I raged. Uninhibited. Called her out on the lies. Something I cannot do to her in person. I see now, rereading the mails of then, how futile that is. How damaging that is! That really is the hardest part. That calling her out on a 'lie', solely with the intent to clear up a mistake, a misunderstanding, a miscommunication will lead to real lies, intentional lies, premeditated lies. And in this process, the original 'glitch' becomes a true LIE, for some reason. It's hard to describe.
Trying to smooth things out with her, ends up making a mountain out of a molehill. And I stand by powerless to see her working on creating that mountain.
It's a perpetual uphill battle.

I'm going for a swim.

[arpy1]

heartrending, dear D/U, to witness the destructiveness of an accomplished crazy-maker. but very very encouraging to see how much you have grown over the last months  .

yes it is so upsetting/frustrating/downright unjust, this continuing realisation we have that the crazy-makers will never change, never admit, never engage in any way that doesn't end up with them 'on top'.  the only healing of such relationships is in ending them. sad but true.

and incredibly freeing!!

[Dutch Uncle]

So when you say you're LC, do you mean your relationship with her is email-only? In the end I couldn't bear the sight of my mother, would immediately become two years old with my head down, crying and wordless. Obviously I'm not going there again!

Yes. The last time I saw her was 9 months ago, on her birthday. If she phones me, I'm letting it ring. The only way to stay sane is not to talk to her directly.
Before this I had gotten better at phone calls, but they still left me mind-boggled. I had her on the phone once where I told her my feud with my female sibling was off limits for talk, and she went: "Of course, I understand, I won't do anymore, yada yada yada (it went on like that for minutes, no kidding), when she stopped, took a breath and said: "Well, now, about your sister.." at which point I burst out in laughter, and called her out on it.
A phonecall later she pulled the same stunt regarding another subject. 

Oh, my! Have you got Mrs Hofstadter (Leonard's mother from The Big Bang Theory)? That woman is diabolical!

I'll look her up. Sounds like it could be cleansing.

The intervals between her hovering are ever increasing.

Aah. That's one thing I never got from NM. I was the mug who "kept trying" with her. And each time I tried, my life went on the skids big time.

I know the drill. It's only since this event I've kept my distance. I used to go back as well. This is the first time I feel: "Nah, I'm going to let this peter out."
Having this conversation shouting match (with only her shouting by the way) on record is Golden. If I didn't have it to reread, I'd probably would have phoned her, having convinced myself I was a heartless * for ignoring her, and being too belligerent.

Sounds to me like you're doing very well.

Thanks

I did realize the past few days that the LC with my female parent will inevitably evolve into NC.

I'm glad you said that, because it would have been inappropriate for me to suggest it. Given my recent experience of finding out my Dad was gone, you might want to figure out some way in which you'll be informed of anything that actually matters to you.

I find myself, at regular intervals, already mentally preparing for only hearing about her death late.
Though I'm pretty sure my parents will give me a ring. HPDmom will not be able to resist to use the pull of the Drama regarding the death of her 'divorcee', and dad is too good a man, despite all his failings, to pull off a stunt like that.
But who knows how things are in five years from now?

I have stood in front of the mirror, yelling at her. Making obscene gestures. Passionately. I raged. Uninhibited. Called her out on the lies.

My brother, are you sure you should be doing that in the mirror??? Sounds dodgy to me.

It is dodgy. But I have found that doing such stuff in the mirror enables me to live through my anger and rage. I'm too meek to stay angry if I don't wind myself up by seeing this angry man in the mirror. I go to deep levels of anger and frustration this way, and can actually say out loud: "Lier, lier, lier!" It's awkward, perhaps even some sort of dissociation, because I can really see the anger in me, almost as if I'm a spectator of my own rage.

On the upside: I also dance sometimes in front of the mirror. Looking good and happy. Like this:

Nasty trap, Dutch: thinking you can make this work if only the 'mistake' were cleared up. I hope you can see now that there was no mistake for her. She knew what she was doing.

Only since I have this on record, I'm finally able to see that. Because before this, when the inevitable doubt would kick in, I could think: "Hah, you probably missed something. You overreacted. It can't be that bad/crazy." Guilt. Fear. Obligation.
But now it's here. In black and white. I didn't miss anything. Now that is an epiphany. I didn't miss anything. I spotted it all to well. At the time already.
Yes, she does know what she is doing. "I know how this came about," she says, and brings out another lie/perceived-wrong-I-did to support that claim. It is all conscious what she does. Premeditated. Practiced in 40 years of marriage and 15 years of post-marriage. She has perfected her con into an art. Black Magic. 

See? "Typically British", not a sheila. You're "a jolly good fellow", Dutch, and your family is here on the forum. You get a million thumbs-up from me.

Thanks so much, cybersis. 

[Dutch Uncle]

heartrending, dear D/U, to witness the destructiveness of an accomplished crazy-maker. but very very encouraging to see how much you have grown over the last months  .

the only healing of such relationships is in ending them. sad but true.

Very sad. It' tearing me up. 

and incredibly freeing!!

Slowly but steadily these feelings are taking over. Both in intensity as well as in number. 
indeed.

Thanks!

[Dutch Uncle]

TherapistMom

Oh, my! Have you got Mrs Hofstadter (Leonard's mother from The Big Bang Theory)? That woman is diabolical!

I've just read the "Big Bang Theory Wiki" on her, and it sure does look like she fits my 'mom' to a T. Pun intended.

Perhaps I should watch the episodes she's in, with a mirror stacked behind my monitor. 

[arpy1]

crazy makers, god, do they have a secret manual? do they go to classes to perfect these skills? sheesh.

[Dutch Uncle]

crazy makers, god, do they have a secret manual? do they go to classes to perfect these skills? sheesh.

In the case of my 'mom': yes. Her classes being the selfish offshoot of New-Ageism. Where probably there are whole seminars/group sessions with people who all nod in admiration if someone expresses very selfish behaviors they have acted out. And then they all sit down in meditation for hours to reach a similar state of 'enlightenment' and 'connectiveness' with the self(ishness). About which they can then brag about in next session.
And so the cycle self-perpetuates.

I have a very dark image of all this new-age stuff she has done.
Because I see what it has either created, or at least has enabled and made more cunning the already existent obliviousness for the 'other'.
Yes, my smother has received extensive training. No doubt by Guru's who mirror her.

[Dutch Uncle]

Yeah, the internet is awesome. I agree with you: without it, the articles on PD's, (c-)PTSD, free advise/hands-off-counseling/shared-practice of so many therapists, fellow victims, peers etc. I wouldn't be where I'm now and heading for the exit.
15 years ago I was in a similar position as I'm now, but so much more isolated.


In my FOO there's always been terrible sibling rivalry. My bro and sis have always hated each others guts. And I was in between, very often even literally, sitting on the backseat of the car, going on holidays. They would punch each other, with their arms flying in front of me and/or behind my back, and inevitably hitting me in the process. When dad had enough of it, he'd reach back to deal some blows that landed on... me. The seat behind him was obviously out of reach, the other side seat as well, and hey: I did yell now, didn't I?
Quite a violent man, my dad. Verbally as well.

These interventions by my female parent when things would improve... I'm familiar with it as well. Even up to the point where my female parent would actively (attempt to) sabotage any 'make up action/talk' (that would actually solve something, we* can't have that now, can we* (*majestic plural  ) and tried to insert her grievances with either of us to solve among us. I have a fully annotated letter by her spelling it out (Well, my annotation is spelling it out, cutting through all the manipulations/gaslighting/double-binds that were actually written). Perhaps I should post that here as well.


Dad... He's finding it more and more difficult to stand up/straight. No surprise when you're 80.
And he is still firmly under the wings of his wife (he can't say "ex" for crying out loud, speaks only of her as "your mother"), so who knows... The last time I spoke to him, and told him I was quite OK with my LC with my female parent, he offered to 'mediate', LOL. This was so absurd (and/or I was so firmly grounded) that immediately a resounding "No" came from my lips. He actually physically moved back, with a terrified look on his face! 
Subsequently I told him: "she's not an easy woman", which he carefully, shyly admitted to. Wordlessly, I think, but still. Silently nodding or so. I can't really remember that well, but I felt acceptance. Maybe it was just my own acceptance I felt then. And now still.
I'm not keeping my hopes up, but he might even leave 'the dark side'. Most probably not though. He lives 200 meters from his "anything-but-ex", they are practically neighbors (his choice. Wifey had already moved out a year or so before they actually did divorce, and then the old house had to be sold, and he moved as close as possible to her as he could.  )
He'll try a few times more to mediate, I'm sure, and there is certainly a possibility with this stubborn and violent man, that in an effort to proof his worth to "not-ex", he'll disown me or something for not seeing "your mother".
Yeah, the possibility of having these completely opposite reactions: that sure is a recipe for CPTSD, I guess. It's driving me bonkers (less and less though), this hyper-vigilance that's actually necessary: utter abandonment is just around the corner. 

On the upside: I also dance sometimes in front of the mirror. Looking good and happy. Like this:

Funny, ain't it? I get those occasional highs too ... to the extent that I had myself tested for bipolar. Then I realised that what I call a 'high' is probably what better-parented people consider normal. I guess those of us who grew up in * have to be grateful we get a break from it sometimes.

That's a very insightful remark. Thanks!

[arpy1]

utter abandonment is just around the corner. 

god, that is really hard for you, dear D/U.  i just want to  say, you will never be utterly abandoned while you have us, mad as a bag of frogs tho we may be, we care about you and aren't going any where. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks.

It's nothing new though, I've come to realize. This 'abandonment' issue. He's not really a trustworthy guy to begin with. Or I wouldn't have been here.

This is a good place.
Thanks, cybersis. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Re. Leonard Hofstadter's mother, I hope you can access this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFiQEWGAp5k. Leonard is often badly compared to his two siblings (yeah, I know all about that!) but in one sense he's lucky: most onlookers are terrified of his mother, too. Everyone can see what she's like.

That actually made me smile. A bit wryly, but still.
If you want a mental picture of my mom, think Nurse Ratched from "one flew over the cuckoo's nest." I made a strong identification when I saw the movie, and whenever I see it again (It's awesome, and so much of it is hilarious) I make the same connection. I vowed never to become Billy Bibbit.
I succeeded in that at least  .
***possible trigger. Nurse Ratched is truly evil.***
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Onm5gjgL97Y

[Dutch Uncle]

where I'm now and heading for the exit.

Indeed. It took a while, but the "EXIT" sign has had it's lightbulb changed. I have been walking in the wrong direction all along .

What a neat metaphor for a scapegoat's whole life! Dutch, you were put between them because they hated each other. You were supposed to be the buffer zone, with neither needs nor feelings of your own. Total invalidation of you as human. Then when dad can't decide which of the mischief-makers to hit, he goes for you.

This paragraph made me wonder: Was this the reason why they even took a third child? Delivery of my brother was so difficult she actually was advised not to have more children, at the very least not for a few years... Hence the four year gap. Why did she bother to get a third, with all the risks involved for her own personal safety?
Was it because a buffer was needed? Hmmm....
Never mind. I have plenty of reason already to escape.
Thanks so much for validating my 'scapegoatness'.

Let me guess: the squabbling siblings then went quiet, possibly even gloating, while you were yelled at for your protest? And no one in the car gave a second's thought to how you might be feeling ... about anything?

Siblings were no doubt 'happy' the Wrath of Dad had escaped them. It must have been clear for all that I was not in an envious position (understatement), and that the only reason why I was being beaten was that I was in a 'convenient' place.* Mom was more focussed on calming dad (wise move) than on soothing me. Dad usually was behind the wheel. I'm still puzzled how he even managed to hit at the backbench while driving, being handicapped in one arm... I'm sure he did it though... Maybe when we hit a red light or something...
*) A few years back, in the early days of what I now know to be as the FOG lifting, I had a short talk with bro on violence in the 'Home', and he told me (to much of my surprise: I never had thought of this) that he had always been careful to make sure he sat on 'the right side of Dad': the side of his very weak arm.
In hindsight, I think a considerable amount of the fights between my siblings was about getting the 'good' seat. Good Grief.

And yet I'm picking up (correct me if I'm wrong) that you understand him and love him?

This is a tough call, but I think I don't actually love him. Nor anyone of my FOO. About a year ago a dear friend of me asked whether I loved 'them', and I said quite confidently "No. I do care for them, I have affection for them. But love, no." (sidetrack: To which she replied: "Right. Thanks for reminding me of "affection", Dutch, such a beautiful word.") And I do think that nails it: Sure, I feel affection for dad. *, I even feel affection for NCsis and RelentlessMom, but love... That has left the building a long time ago. I don't feel loved by them, and love can only stay if it's fed. Or perhaps I should say: love dies when it's been lied to, taken advantage off, as in the case with the lies on top of lies in these mails with my female parent.

But back to dad. For a long time I have seen him as a scapegoat/victim too. But I've resented him longer for being such a wuss. For being the enabler of 'mom'. For a long time already I call him "the Ox". (not in his face, obviously ) And I have started to 'act out' on that after the divorce. For example by refusing to visit both him and his anything-but-ex on the same day. Even though they live a three hour drive away, so it would be an easy way out of the 'obligation' to visit one's parents. Now I have to travel 'twice as much'.

My female sibling is still firmly entrenched in "Poor dad is a victim of HorribleMom, and only if she wasn't such a Witch I would have an awesome relationship with LovelyDad. "She stole my Dad." " The last sentence is practically a verbatim quote. (Freud anybody ). I have never bought into that, and I've told her then (not too long ago): "Dad is a wuss, he plays his own role in it. It's crazy making that he still caters to the wife who has left him, still wants to sit on her lap, despite being kicked in the nether region time and again. (granted, he does get to sit in her lap at times. Which is why he keeps coming. As a puppy of course, not as an equal partner.) NCsis probably resents me for holding that position: I'm not feeding enough into her "woe is me"-Drama of the lost daughter.  While I'm clearly as much a lost child in this as her. That's the part she refuses to acknowledge. That I have had it as bad as her. She needs to be on top.
And I have for a long time copied dad's behavior regarding my female parent and sibling. How could I not, I say now. Not in the least since standing up to 'mom' used to earn me a beating of him. Or I got a beating if sis was nagging bro. "Stay low, Dutch Boy..."

My only redeeming act is that I never followed through on such relationship with my girlfriends. I picked 'mom' a few times (I guess), but got fed up within one or two years (playing Dad, I guess). And broke up. Boy, was male parent angry at those times, while female sibling and -parent resented me, and practically sulked in the replacement-role* of ditched ex-girlfriend.
Being a Bachelor is an improvement over being stuck in a bad 'marriage'. But not a substitute for a good one. Whatever that may look like: I wouldn't know.
*) LOL. As I edit this before posting, I'm looking for a good English word for what I mean. Until it pops up: "Understudy". How fitting is that for an Histrionic PD! I'm really on my way to the Exit 

TLDR: No I don't love my dad. Him being an (undiagnosed)Asperger's doesn't help either.

And if I leave the forum, as I think I may do after surgery, I'll PM you my email. I promise.

You better! 

I do hope you'll leave your account open. In which case I can always PM you, and if you have e-mail notification "on", they'll end up in your mailbox anyway.

Thanks so much for the offer though, and if I'll ever leave the forum, I'll do the same for you. (and I have e-mail notification "on" already.)

soul sister.

[arpy1]

me too, southbound!! i am having separation anxiety

[Dutch Uncle]

Hey Dutch, I just went hunting for Notify by email every time you receive a personal message: and it was already checked "Always", but I haven't received a single one. I see I have a new message only by logging on here. Is there something else I need to do?

I don't know. Odd. No typo in the e-mail address?