What are Your Recovery Goals?

[Kizzie]

I was just thinking this morning about this and I would have to say mine is to continue to process my pain and work on integration, bringing all the parts of my psyche  that have essentially stood on their own and went into action when the situation called for it to come together and work more smoothly, and much more calmly lol. 

We just had an election here in Canada this week and I absolutely loved something our Prime Minister elect said in his acceptance speech about the other two main parties:  "They are not our enemies, they are our neighbours."  It reminded me that what has worked well in recovery for me is recognizing that the different parts of my psyche each have a role and flourish when I treat them with respect, value their contributions, and create an inner environment where I can call on  appropriate, healthy responses rather than the trauma responses I used previously to survive. When I fight against them I simply do not progress. 

So I guess my main goal right now is to run a positive campaign in a country that is used to adversarial governance    

[woodsgnome]

Goals? Good question.

I once thought my primary goal might be not to have goals. To live in flow with what my life's needs are, not against them; even when I don't know exactly what they are. Goals are eerily absolute, when they have specific expectations built in. Then they're set up for failure...instead we journey and find our way, regardless of the finite goal we thought we were looking for. Flexible goals/expectations--maybe that's what I'm suggesting. I mean, en route to the goal one might just discover an even better way. 

That said, I've an inner goal that tugs deeply at my sense of being. That's to stop doubting that I'm worthy of...anything, I guess. I feel so useless, stupid, and shut out of even wanting to try anymore. Worn out. Hating myself.

Another elusive goal is more a wish...that I can dare to feel again. I remember one T who spent hours asking me, pleading with me, "how does it feel?" I resisted, 'cause I didn't dare to follow her prompt; feared I would lose it, be drowned in all the shame and hurt that had brought me to seek her help in the first place. Maybe now I'll find that way to feel. Huge goal, and I need to drop my blocks for the wish to free me from all this pain. 

Feeling, and accepting, whatever I find. I'm still scared of the deluge of tears, anger, grief that seem to weigh so heavy. I'm slowly accepting the possibility that I can indeed find peace. Come to think of it, peace has ever/always been my only real quest, and that just might be my absolute, truest, goal.   

[tired]

My goal is to learn how to cope just enough to make a living. 

The goal that comes before this is to regulate my mood.

Before that-the goal is to have a strict schedule for myself and make sure the house is in order and laundry is done etc. 

[Kizzie]

I should probably have pointed out that my goals have changed as I recover.

When I was at the lowest my goal in recovery was to simply to get out of bed, and if I couldn't do that, it was to not beat myself up and just try and be as kind and compassion as I could be in the face of a deluge of shame that kept rising up and slamming me down.  I tried not to hate myself anymore and to understand that those feelings were gifted to me by my parents, but I in no way deserved to feel that about myself.  It was truly a fight to try and open up to the possibility they were wrong and to think and feel differently. Actually it felt like a war going on inside me at times, but it was fight the fight or give in and something kept me going. I remember holding on for dear life to what Pete Walker wrote about CPTSD NOT being a defect of character, but symptoms that develop in response to trauma and abuse. It really was not ME that was all wrong, but how I had been treated and that was my "rudder in the storm" so to speak.

It has been a really long, tough road to today, but looking back I see that my recovery has unfolded pretty much like Walker sets out in his book, whether it's because I followed his map unconsciously or because that's a natural path to recovery in the case of CPTSD I don't know. I'm just glad I kept going.

[Dutch Uncle]

At the moment my goal is to learn and practice self-forgiveness. Whatever it exactly may be...
It seems to work though: this night was the first time in ages I woke up with nice memories. I woke up with a smile.
And I realized immediately that has been a thing of long lost past.
So I guess I'm on the right path somehow, even while I don't know exactly what I do different now. 

[arpy1]

my goal?  oh, well, let me think... i think what i am aiming at is a bit nebulous - to 'get better'.  more immediate goals are to decide what to do about therapy, whether i can really be strong and brave enough to give it  another try as my GP wants; to try and keep going to the gym and lose some weight so i am more healthy; and probably most importantly at the moment, to learn how to manage the EFs that are happening almost daily.

i can't even think about much more than that, the struggle to just do the day to day stuff is more than i can manage a lot of the time.  long term goals are out of the question until i can discover who i would like to be.  i don't know what i want except that i would quite like to learn how to be a person and have a life.

[Kizzie]

At the moment my goal is to learn and practice self-forgiveness. Whatever it exactly may be...
It seems to work though: this night was the first time in ages I woke up with nice memories. I woke up with a smile.  And I realized immediately that has been a thing of long lost past.

So I guess I'm on the right path somehow, even while I don't know exactly what I do different now. 

Here's to a restful, pleasant night's sleep and a smile upon wakening Recovery is as small and as big as that   

Arpy - it take a tremendous amount of strength and courage to face daily EFs and still be working to move forward in recovery so kudos to you    FWIW, maybe it would help for younger you to hear she is doing a terrific job of trying to keep you safe by making it difficult to go to a trauma therapist.  I know it's a funny way of looking at it, but instead of fighting that part of you (which had lots of evidence in the past to be fearful of therapy in the present when you think about it), maybe give some positive feedback for her efforts?  I'm just suggesting this because it's what seemed to work for me. Once younger me knew I understood and accepted her fear and that I valued her efforts to keep me safe, she seemed to relax and the EFs were less frequent and intense. I was able to slowly convince her that we could venture out a little more, that I would keep her safe now. 

[arpy1]

I was able to slowly convince her that we could venture out a little more, that I would keep her safe now.

thanks, Kizzie.  i tried twice to reply to this last night but it triggered me again so i left it. feel calmer this morning 

what i wanted to say was that i just don't feel able to protect myself. that's why i got in such a muddle with those two therapists.  i wasn't able to question or challenge or stand up for myself in any way.  and as a consequence my head got screwed.  my younger self doesn't have confidence that i will be able to keep her safe - and i know that she can't, which is praps why she keeps flipping out.

the therapy experience was of itself traumatising - which isn't how it's sposed to be but sadly, how it ends up sometimes.  there are many different approaches, different personalities i guess. i just had bad luck, probably.

that's why i decided to just do the recovery thing by myself. the plan was to read and research and do the healing of myself by myself. (that was last month's goal  at any rate!)

the thought of trying therapy again is just too terrifying. but, at the same time, i do agree with the GP that i do need some kind of help...  bit of a cleft stick.

[Dutch Uncle]

I wish you patience, arpy1. Though I realize that perhaps the most difficult to do for you at the moment.
Perhaps reminding yourself it's a goal you have, and you don't have to have reached that goal already, at this moment, is of help now?

Perhaps some of what's written here (http://www.traumahealed.com/articles/first-aid-for-desperate-moments.html) can help you find some space and time.



You'll get there. I'm convinced of it.

[arpy1]

you're right, of course.  i am not good at patience, it's so hard!!   i feel horrible and i want it to stop  and i am stamping my foot.  and i feel guilty and stupid for being so scared all the time,  for not being able to protect myself in even the simplest of situations becos i am an intelligent adult who should have learnt this by now... 

maybe my only goal should be to recover very slowly...

[Jdog]

Arpy1-

Yes, slow recovery is a key in my experience. I have had to learn patience with myself over these past 3 years (the time from my discovery of my cptsd until now) and it's tough sledding but worth it.  One benefit is that I have learned patience with everyone else along the way.  That is a huge help in my home life and work life. 

I think my recovery goal at this time is to keep in active contact with my inner child, who is beginning to trust my intentions toward her.  She still has fits, gets mad, and pouts but is starting to speak to me more openly.  I have noticed also that as she heals it is easier for me to have fun with the teenagers whom I teach at the same time I set appropriate boundaries with them.  The more she trusts me, the more they trust me.  Interesting living experiment, my life has become. 

Here's a big shout-out to everyone who is the path towards healing.  Courage, compassion, and patience are needed.  We will overcome!

[Kizzie]

I hear you Arpy and sorry I wasn't meaning you "should" (that dreaded word lol) entice her out and right into therapy, she's going to balk understandably after what you have been through so maybe it would be a good idea to take that off the table for a bit.  When I said venture out a little more I meant in small ways that are tolerable for her. If she's like my younger self it will take time (and maybe some fun - that worked really well with mine), to balance the fear.   

[I like vanilla]

Currently, my goals are to find my voice and to be present in the world.

To be present I mean both in a 'staying in my body', 'mindfulness' sense but also to stop trying to hide myself away and pretend I am invisible.

Attached to the latter idea, I am working to find my voice. I feel strongly in me that I have something to contribute to the world. I am not sure yet what that is but I know that I need to find my voice so that I can say it/sing it/shout it out when I figure it out.

Of course, these goals have the necessary objectives of unburying myself from the... feces... that I have been (metaphorically) smothered under by my FOO and other abusive people in my life; figuring out what I have in me to say; learning to stay in my body while I say it; having boundaries to ward off the bad people when I am 'seen' (though I find the abusers know to look for the invisible people); and so on.

One step at a time and baby steps count!

[Laynelove]

Recovery Goals:

- to be able to be in a healthy romantic relationship that is mutually respectful and not re-traumatising
- to have a healthy social life with a small group of friends
- to have the skills and patience to be able to continue to be my own therapist after I feel I no longer need therapy from an outside source
- to find my ability to have fun
- to be able to be myself mostly uninhibited
- to stop using addictions/habits and to feel and express feelings instead
- to be able to live with the idea of being mentally ill

I can feel my inner critic work making a huge difference now. I honestly believe I can achieve these things eventually. I'm only just starting my recovery.

[Kizzie]

Well look at us, we're starting to come out of the closet 

Yay us!