Survived through multiple traumas before 16

[Sesame]

I will try my best to keep this short, but being more or less a life story, it is a challenge to do so.

I have lived through many traumatic events before I turned 16. The only things I have not had the misfortune of experiencing are rape, war and being mugged by a stranger. I have survived childhood physical and sexual abuse, physical assaults, sexual assaults, witnessing several car accidents involving pedestrians and being in one myself, the death of a loved one (and the only sane person in my family), attempted arson of my home, attempted murder of my pet, vandalism of my family's property. A lot of what I went through had to do with racism and/or sexism.

My immediate family was highly dysfunctional, with my mother dominating everything, gas-lighting us and abusing us. My father was beaten into submission via verbal and physical attacks and she threatened to lie to the police with her friends about him. My father is an immigrant and he is not white. It would be easy for police to believe the words of a group of little white women than one foreign man. My extended family was manipulated by my matriarchal grandmother who spread vicious gossip about her adult children, enjoying the mayhem caused by pitting them against one another and tangling them up in endless lies. Appealing to their emotions and sense of duty to reel them back in again. It's amazing how much they all know she does this, but refuse to cut her off. My grandfather was the only one who could keep her in check, but once he passed away she had free reign. In adult life, I went on to get sexually assaulted more, deal with more racism and put up with the spiritual abuse of my uNMIL. My uNMIL abuses me in other ways, but I have since learnt my lesson and put up my defences against her.

I always thought I was simply weak and broken all my life. I felt there was no way out of the * I was living in. Sometimes I still feel trapped and overwhelmed by negative things in my life and as if they'll extend on endlessly until I am gone. For a long time I thought I was 100% to blame for all my troubles and failures, but I realise now that if I hadn't lived through the things I have, I probably would have had a much easier time. I probably would have had a brighter future. While I'm doing all right in my life at the moment, sometimes I can't help thinking about how much the trauma and C-PTSD have stolen from me and I can't help but feel down. 

Sometimes I get triggered by certain events in my life. I am flooded with intense negative emotions and I find myself fighting so hard not to collapse into a heap and cry until it stops. It feels like I am reliving horrible moments that ended years ago because they are similar. I feel awful and exhausted afterwards. All I want to do is curl up and sleep until it all goes away.

I wish I could go to a therapist, but I've never been rich. As far as I know, C-PTSD is not officially recognised and I live in a country where I am not fluent in the language and they would not understand the cultural or racial aspects of the trauma I have lived through. I am joining this forum in the hopes talking and being with others who understand will help me cope and recover.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Sesame 

What an upheaval you have had in your history.    So hard that the effects still linger on in your life today.
It' a familiar story, alas, for many of us here. I can relate.

For a long time I thought I was 100% to blame for all my troubles and failures, but I realise now that if I hadn't lived through the things I have, I probably would have had a much easier time.

This is a valuable insight, and again: many of us share this 'revelation'. Starting to lift the blame from ourselves is a first and important step. It's a process, and it takes an effort.
I hope and wish you'll find this site and community an asset in your recovery and you'll find here what you are looking for.
Thanks for sharing your story. 

Welcome,

Dutch Uncle.

[Kizzie]

Hello and welcome to OOTS Sesame    Glad you found your way here 

If you're like most of us you may find that reading and talking about something you've kept silent about may be a relief on the one hand and disturbing/challenging on the other. Many of us find we have to take baby steps at least at first so don't be surprised if you find that's the case.