Feeling *unable* to work / job hunt

[Indigochild]

Not sure where to write this, as this involves emotional flashbacks, and the inner critic.

Lately, I had a job interview.
It was beyond stressful for me.
I get so many negative thoughts, inner critic / my mum / true thoughts...whatever, they are negative, and writing job application and struggling with it, getting help with it and feeling I didnt deserve the interview as I ahdnt done the work all myself,
then preparing for the interview, - stressfu- i was stuck with it- negative voices-
voices about who i am, how little ive achieved job / academic wise (not my fault- result of abuse),
Lack of support from parents making me sad and angry,
Wondering weather i would back out of going to the interview
actually going to interview and going blank when I struggled to answer the questions, and mums voice was in my head telling me I'm worthless and that they can see it, that I shouldnt even be there, that I should be dead.

My question is, interviews are very triggering and stressful, and whilst I want a job, Im worried working wold be too stressful, let alone the actual interviews.
Volunteering is triggering sometims and If i need a break, I can have one and not come in...as I'm not being paid.

I would go for some other volunteering to fill up my time, but Im afraid to even walk into the place, and when i tried a while back, nasty inner critic voices and thoughts attacked me and I couldnt even go to the meeting.

Does anyone else experience this and know of any way i can do something job wise, or how to walk into a volunteer place and say you want to volunteer, or what sort of jobs would be good for someone dealing with Cptsd?
I cant work with children and families for a job - which i really want to do in the long run, because it would be too triggering and I am also in therapy, just thought id add that.
I just dont want to waste my life as so much of it has gone by already that i could have used for other means due to lack of confidence, depression...and what i now know to be Cptsd.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be very much appreciated.
Thanks a lot.

[tired]

This is a huge problem for me and I'm terrified.  I'm trying to work for myself from home (fitness training) and see if I can survive. Even that is hard. I'm going to try cleaning.  I can't babysit because of triggers and I cant be around men. 

I might call a social worker and see if they can walk me through some of this.

I did some interviews for local gyms and didn't go well. I feel better when I feel in control. Maybe if I'm in charge somehow like if it's my own business that would be easier.

Also considering online work from home. dunno.  not qualified to do anything. 

[arpy1]

fwiw, i can't even consider the possibility of going back to work (been off a year so far) until i have got a better handle on EF's and on being able to be around people without feeling in terrible danger. 

so my plan is to work really hard on those things and hope to see myself improve enough to try again.

then i will be very very careful what sort of jobs i go for. nothing too triggering, maybe delivery driving, postman, something where i don't have to interact too much and can stay in control. 

i guess we all hate it so much, don't we, not being able to just get on with stuff. i hate not working, i hate being on benefits but i have struggled for so many years trying to do what i wasn't well enough for. and it made things much worse in the end. i guess i just have to accept the truth of where i am at now and start from there.

[Kizzie]

Hey Indigo - There's nothing like being interviewed to feel like you are a small child being judged and found lacking I agree. The look on the interviewers' faces was enough to send me into an EF.  They were doing their best to be neutral but I would always read it as being critical, a "tight" face like my M would wear when she was getting ready to slam me in her covert NPD way, And then the Inner Critic would ramp up and my Inner Child would go into panic mode and want to run.

What helped eventually was to prepare for each interview (I made notes based on the job description about what skills I had to meet each requirement, made notes about the organization), writing and practicing responses in mock interviews with my H, anything so that I was not knocked off my stride. I did better at interviewing, but then when I did get a job I would spend each day navigating through a minefield of triggers.   

It is just really tough going thru the process of getting a job and then working when you have CPTSD.  We are trying to find jobs and work when we are injured and need treatment.  If we were recovering from a heart attack we would not expect to work and I think the same is true for CPTSD, it is debilitating and recovery is delayed for some of us when we have to fight triggers (re-injuring ourselves basically) in the workplace.

I had to take six months off from my current job when my CPTSD became too overwhelming and that made a real difference in terms of recovery because I could focus on myself and treatment. I got far enough along in recovery that I was able to go back to work and the anxiety was much, much better. Somewhere in that spurt of recovery I got angry enough about what had happened to me and being held back by it, that I felt a shift away from being really critical of myself to being much more compassionate.

That compassion meant I could see that I really do have solid skills and knowledge no matter what my (formerly) incessant Inner Critic may try to tell me. Nowadays when it kicks up a fuss, I shush it, tell it to be quiet because I am okay and capable of doing my job well, it doesn't need to try and scare me into quitting so that I am kept safe.   

I took time off without pay because I work on a contractual rather than salaried basis so I've never looked into getting benefits, but maybe like Arpy you can do that Indigo so you have time to focus on recovery?

Hope something in all of this helps 

[Indigochild]

Hi Tired

I am sorry you struggle too.
Children are triggering to me too, men too, and I would also find working at home difficult.

Good luck with trying cleaning. I hope it works out.
And also the social worker.
Controll- i understand. There is no control of what others will do or say and there is no control when inner critic goes mental inside your head.

Good luck.

[Indigochild]

Hey Arpy1

I really hope you can go back to work and that you get a handle on the emotional flashbacks.

Do yo mind if I ask how it was that you left work? Or took a break?
Was there a breaking point?
It sucks, but good for you for having time out. You need to take as long as you need.

Yes, i think we do all hate it so much that things are so hard and that working is so hard.
I am sorry you struggled so much and that it made things worse.
Its good to know, as i feel ive failed as i couldnt hack it and i have never had an actual job.
I know this isn't my fault, I just worry it will be like this forever.

[Indigochild]

Hey Kizzie,

Thank you very much for your response.
It has helped a lot.

Its great that you empathise, and I'm sorry its the same for you.
I understand completely about the EF with the interviewers facial expressions.
Its not surprising, -(and I need to tell myself this!!) that we would be so afraid and on high alert, just trying to keep safe, wanting to be safe.

Im so glad you were able to go back to work and that the anxiety lessened.
How amaizing that you were able to be rightfully angry- and not at yourself.
I hope to get to this. Its there, but more often is at the wrong people.

You have explained very well how it worked for you.- the process i mean of quietening the inner critic.
No wonder I'm struggling with this because its early days, and ...im not properly angry as yet. I still think there is something about me for my mum to reject me bla bla bla...and I cant believe that this is my story.  That what happened actually happened.

Thanks for suggesting benefits. I am on some at the moment as everyone who is visually impaired gets a benefit for not working...which isn't much in my case. I want more money ...proper money..and i want to do something with my life which is why i want a job. Im not sure i could go through the whole battle and trying to prove i need money as i cant work due to Cptsd.
Something to consider however.

Thanks for telling me about what helped you.
I made lots of notes etc. but was worried i would forget them when it came to the interview. My memory is rubbish for things like that. Don't know if thats to do with dissociation or not.
Then i started beating myself up- inner critic-and it went beyond the *this is really hard, what if i dont remember* thought.

I need to work at working though Efs when they happen - in general and so that i can get on with preparing for interviews.
And yes- i was also worried that if i were to get the job- It would be triggering as * and not just because it involved working with families.

This was very helpful. I wasnt able to validate this all myself, and just had my mothers voice in my head berating me for failing, so thank you for this.
If we were recovering from a heart attack we would not expect to work and I think the same is true for CPTSD, it is debilitating and recovery is delayed for some of us when we have to fight triggers (re-injuring ourselves basically) in the workplace.

Indigo 

[Kizzie]

I want more money ...proper money..and i want to do something with my life which is why i want a job.

  Indigo, here's to having compassion and wanting things for yourself, I suspect that will do a lot to quiet your ghost M's voice.   

[Indigochild]

Thanks Kizzie. I will try to put this into practise.
 

[Rainydaze]

It was an interview I had 2 to 3 months ago which encouraged me to look into my past because it did expose all of my insecurities. My voice quivered, I was shaking, I fluffed up my words, my mind went blank on a couple of questions and I was flushed and sweating throughout the whole thing. I really did feel like a wreck! I went home that night, had a panic attack and had a big tearful breakdown in front of my husband. After talking it through with him I realised that everything bad I felt came round to the way my dad has treated me all my life.

I can absolutely understand how you can feel unable to work, CPTDS makes everything a billion times harder. It can be hard enough for healthy, self-compassionate people to sell themselves in an interview and overcome the nerves, never mind those of us who have to deal with someone cruel automatically putting them down in their own heads! I got by full time in my last workplace but I was so in the fog with my situation that I feel I only managed this by pretending my issues weren't there. In the end I got resentful as I put in 100% and was constantly expected to do twice what everyone else was doing. It came to be expected because I was trying to be super-human constantly rather than being respectful to myself. I was very much a human-doing, not a human-being. People walked all over me as a result.

Indigo, I think it's important to keep reminding yourself that your condition causes you to see things very differently from the way other people do. People can probably see so much good in you that you are unable to see yourself with your inner critic berating you. Interviews are the ultimate trigger I think as you are being judged, but it's on your ability to do the job rather than you as a person (who can really judge you accurately as a person in a half hour interview?) The interview you might have viewed as disastrous might have been fine from the interviewer's perspective, even if you didn't get the job.

If you don't feel well enough to work at the moment then that's ok, CPTSD is a really hard thing to cope with and you're no less of a person for needing to work on yourself for a bit first. 

[Indigochild]

Blues cruse- What a realisation you had!!
What an epiphany.
I am glad you figured that out, and I hope you keep going.

Thankyou for validating my reality for me. You have all made me feel better about this.
It does make everything a billion times harder.
You are absolutely right arnt you! Of course it would be even harder with a voice inside your head putting you down!  Interviews are hard anyway.

I hear what you are saying about being a human doing- not a human being.
Have you ever checked out Lisa A. Romano's videos?
If not, she does a lot of videos on codependency, and on children who are adult children of alcoholics (but she says too, that ACOA's are anyone who had abusive neglectful parents)- and you dont have to be codependent to watch these...
She talks a lot about pleasing others instead of yourself.
Im sorry people disrespected you because you were unable to respect yourself. Thats so cruel, as you need to be shown respect maybe more than the average person as you are simply unable to give it to yourself.
Heres the link to her channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/lisaaromano1

You made me cry when you talked of how others can probably see good in me, but i am unable to. I hope this is true, and thank you.

You are right that we are not being judged on who we are.
I just feel like everyone can see my worthlessness.

Thank you so much for your kind words and for your understanding. You have made me feel better about all this. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Well, I've been dodging this issue for a while, but today I went to the Social Services to 'claim' some aid in this struggle of mine.

I've long been out of a job (long story!), but 10 days ago I decided I couldn't fix this situation all by myself anymore.
So I applied for Social Benefits (Oh dear... The SHAME!!!) and it actually got me an appointment to get me help in finding a job (which was today). Which is good, because I want a job, not Benefits. Which I frankly need, and will happily accept if they will be granted to me, but I want to bloody work.
(The 'Benefit People' of course have a month long 'waiting period'. The tax department is always first on your doorstep, and the last to answer if you need something from them.    But hey, it's been that way even before they invented writing (presumably), so who am I to throw a hissy-fit over that.

Fun fact: the oldest written records are tax records. By a long stretch. You really didn't think writing was invented to pass on "I love you so"-messages, did you?)

Things went OK.
I'm happy I crossed the threshold to actually let those in a position to help me with this into my life, those who are willing to help me, and those who I can count on to help me (if only it's their JOB to do so: I payed my bloody taxes for a long while that fund their job after all! Though it's probably not a good idea to tell them that, but nevertheless remind myself that I actually have a 'stake' in this as well. Not just as a 'beggar' but as a 'provider' as well...)

I'm capable of things. And I'm going to do those things.
With a little help of some friends (= people who have a shared interest in my 'work')

A small step forward. With the emphasis on "forward".

Thanks for listening.
And thanks for starting this thread. 

[arpy1]

i well and truly take my hat off to you, D/U!  may it run smooth and may you get a) the help and then b) the job you need. respect!

[Dutch Uncle]

I have lost my 'trade' through a change in the 'rules'/law. Which is a sad thing.

Yesterday there was a "farewell to our workplace-party" from one of the agencies I used to work for, since they are in the process of moving to a new building.
It was a bit triggering for me to go there, as I loved my 'trade', so going back to a place where I loved to work made me all the more aware what stroke of bad luck I have suffered.

It was really nice to be there. These colleagues, bosses, team members I have worked with were so empathetic to my cause, and so validating for the time we have spend together, were so in praise of me and my capabilities, and so disgusted I had to leave the 'trade' that it actually was a bit overwhelming. In a good way.
Sure, I knew consciously I could expect this, but emotionally it's still hard to listen to what my brain tells me on basis of good evidence and experience. And to let it override the other emotionally and cognitive truth as well: "I've been had by 'pencil-pushers' who don't know dipshit about the 'work floor'."

So I woke up in high spirits: A new 'trade' can be had, and colleagues like this as well. 

[arpy1]