Engaging the Inner Critic

[I like vanilla]

I tried to reply to an earlier posting that touched on this topic but go the 'too long ago' warning... so, I am starting a new thread. I hope that is OK.

I have been discovering something in therapy that has been helping me. (maybe this post belongs on the 'tools' thread?). That is, rather than trying to shut down/block out my inner critic, I have been engaging in discussions with him (mine is a him most times, though I believe that ICrs come in all genders).

With my last T when my ICr acted up, the T would 'insist' that I tell the ICr to 'shut up!' (often T would even go as far as 'shut the &^$* up!), to commit inner violence on the ICr (e.g., imagining smacking the ICr or tying up and gagging the ICr). That never sat right with me. Even though the ICr was behaving in ways that seemed abusive to me, I could never comfortably behave in abusive ways back to him. The T claimed I was in denial about the affects my ICr had on me. She was wrong; I got how the criticism hindered my healing progress and pushed me toward maladaptive behaviours, I just did not agree with the methods the T proposed for getting the ICr to leave me alone.

My new T is more holistic. He believes that all messages we receive from our inner 'selves' are important, even if it is to learn the source of our fear/anger/incorrect belief, etc. So, lately I have been just talking to my ICr and listening to what he is telling me, both in 'words' and in sensations in my body.

I have been discovering that my ICr has been very upset, especially with the verbal and other 'violence' recommended by the previous T. My ICr has also been upset because from his perspective, he has been trying to protect me from the harms of the world. Yes, he, from my perspective, is doing this in a way that is harmful to me, but he is coming from the place of a scared child whose 'job' it was (from his view) was to protect us from our abusive NM and others who were harmful in our world.

I am learning that the more I ignore and try to shut up and shut down my ICr, the more he screams and yells for attention. On the other hand, when I talk to him, we are often able to work out a solution. On occasion, too he is correct; I am heading toward an ill-advised action and it might be wise to listen to his warnings. If that is the case, I thank him for alerting me. More often he is 'correct', but from the perspective of an abused child who is not able to see all of the factors and long-term consequences of a decision. In these latter cases I try to explain to him that yes, I can see why he is afraid but that xyz make the decision safe. Either way, I also try to convey the idea that I am the adult who will protect us; he can finally take a break from that responsibility. I am finding that the more I communicate with my ICr the calmer he is becoming (though, of course he still does act up at times).

I am posting both because this is a strategy that has been mostly working for me, and which might be helpful to others, and because I am wondering, has anyone else had experiences like this - engaging the inner critic in a dialogue rather than fighting against it?

[Dutch Uncle]

I like your approach, and I've read quite a few 'self-help' sites who promote the very idea you have worked out yourself.
I think the 'shut up' approach is daft. I would end up in a shouting match, as the Inner Critic so often shouts 'shut up' to me. Though I have to admit my Inner Critic consist mainly of my FOO members criticizing everything I do, think or attempt. As they do in real life. I truly have these real-life people in my head, and I hear them arguing with me even if I read a newspaper and I think: nice article, I like this info/opinion/view. It's crazy making. I've seen 'them' being described as ones 'Committee', so perhaps they are not the Inner Critic. 

[arpy1]

omg, this is really helpful! thank you Ilv,for sharing it. 

it reminds me of what finally got rid of the screaming sobbing woman in my head. she had been there for decades. it was when i finally sat down and talked to her, listened to what she wanted to say, understood why she was so hurt and afraid. then she didn't need to be locked up any more. she stopped screaming and sobbing. and i stopped being so afraid of her 'getting out' and going mad.

maybe the IC is the same thing, then.  talk to The Bitch and maybe she'll stop being such a bitch to me all the time? i will try this and let you know!

thanks Ilv   

[EmoVulcan]

The idea of engaging all my fragments seems to threaten my primary facade of "cool detachment", because this correctly points up a fragmented, incomplete " self" that I felt was a buried real me that essentially never even coalesced.  Every part of her was rejected on some level, and I even rejected her as not in my best interests if I wanted to function.  Leaving me with faces to fit in where "necessary".  I loathe them all now as the fake constructs they are...and there is little to replace them with, and I have this sort of, Vulcan persona I am comfortable with, as it is a capable scientist, curious and peacefully ADD...this is at total odds with my physical presence, and totally collapses when " attacked".  The inner critic just takes the opportunity to attack, like a supporter for the "committee" I have collected.  Introversion has kept that number small, but they are cruel and virulent, and spout all the things that, I think, trigger my regressions into distractions that tend to occupy my intellect and not much emotion.
The thought is nearly overwhelming, but I think I have to try to engage my ic and other fragments, and possibly with different approaches, because I really am afraid to emote (always, always crying jags then long dissociation); and the rage that has been boiling away from the rage, abuse, and use cumulatively inflicted on me, and never to be acted out or expressed outwardly is of terrifying proportions...I do not do confrontation well, and some fragments are all about confrontation, most are about ending solitary confinement, and I am about finding someone, anyone safe enough to let me, and being accepted.
  I don't think I have the skill set to prioritize these things amidst homeless survival, insecurity, and 'stuck' for new options to address needs...my Vulcan thinks its silly to court emotional drivel by talking to imagery...ah the resistance.
Thank you! this will take processing.

[arpy1]

you sound like you are a brave and intelligent person, EmoVulcan. (i love the name, by the way, wonderful!  )

re what you say about a fragmented self, i guess you're talking about dissociated bits of you rather that the IC per se?  i haven't really worked out where the two concepts are linked, but in any case,  if so, my only thought is that it's possibly safer to get some support before starting to engage/process them, so that you have a backstop if it gets too upsetting and someone to help you access the skills you need.

then maybe think about only engaging one little bit at a time, and then very gently and kindly, maybe do something like invite 'her' to sit and 'have a coffee with you' or something and ask her what she wants to say.  that's more or less what i did with the screaming sobbing woman, who i had in my head for so many years.  i invited her to talk, and just sat and listened. and i made sure i was safe at home, no chance of interruption, safe and snug. i remember i wrote a lot down, that helped keep me calm and express it clearly.

it was an exercise in visualisation, for sure. but it was a very effective one; it was some weeks after that i realised with some amazement that she was 'gone'. i didn't need her any more, and i didn't need to keep her locked down.

also, fwiw, i think that i realised along the way somewhere that altho i had spent decades fearing and hating her, she was not so much a 'fake' bit of me, any more than any of my other coping personae were. she was that bit of me that was just afraid and hurting and doing her best to cope with the unbearable. that helped to shut up the IC, i think, and made me not so scared. 

interestingly, since then i have felt a bit more, some feelings that have been so long suppressed that i didn't really know i had them.  which has been very upsetting in itself but a good deal healthier than keeping it all locked away where it was festering and infecting my whole life.

anyway, just thought i'd share a bit of my experience just so you know you're not alone in what you face, even though it's different for each of us. i really hope you are able to get somewhere to live and some support if that's what you need at present. keep posting.

much support 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you for sharing has helped me
I've had a day of it today and it's interesting what you say about ic pushing the maladaptive behaviours .
I am in recovery for eating and have over 6mths abstinence -
Today ic or is it ic ? My ic says it's not ?
Says I am useless at my job and not as good as any one else there - I feel beaten into submission and lately it's been full on every day - I find the job difficult enough anyway and with ic on top gee it's too much . Obsession to use the food has been on today but it isn't an option for me to numb out in this way anymore -
So tonight I read about engaging with the ic and talking to it and this makes sense to me as thought blocking etc doesn't seem that therapeutic to me and not a long term solution -
So thank you tomor I am going to try something different