Reflections - on a 3 day flashback 'being in it '

[Boatsetsailrose]

So here I am Friday on the bus to work feeling better, more in control (ie am not obsessive about being in control) and able to reflect on the past 3 days ...
( I'm very early stage reading p walker so not down with all the lingo yet

Tuesday - went to a conscious breathing circle - we were asked to connect with each other and when the facilitator was looking at me and looked embarrassed ( shame ?) I took it as 'she doesn't like me ... There is something wrong with me , I'm a bad person ,,,

Wednesday - felt quiet housemate came in and did her usual co dependent - how are u , did you ,,, are you ?? Questions - felt overwhelmed - responded but was quiet.. Then saw she took offence ( hypervigalent looking for signs - cause that's what I do ! Saw she was a bit angry -
Me - felt guilt - I'm bad - self hate stuff

Feel lonely - no one to be intimate with - feel like a failure - dysfunctional person

Thursday - said to senior nurse I needed to do paper work and not medication round - other nurse gave me the keys - I said what I was doing and handed keys back - she got bit grumpy -
I felt guilty - bad - etc --- same pattern as previous

Bottom line message I feed myself
I AM BAD- wrong - stupid
Left work mind racing feel more out of control - can't breathe - can't think straight
Have a hot bath - lay down on bed - get on forum - read p walker - speak to someone on phone

Loneliness spirals - thoughts of I don't have anyone -
And then thoughts get darker

Reflection
I am watching this whole pattern as well as being in it ... I can see now this is what I used to use addictions for to numb this pattern
I am so thankful to this forum - therapist and p walker
I see that self hatred is my problem
Other people's reactions are none of my business
It's about me being connected with me in a less destructive way
Being in reality is my new mission
I have hope
The problem is mental and emotional instability
The solution is to gain over the broken mind/ emotions and heal the past dictating my present -

Any thoughts - tools gratefully received ..

[Dutch Uncle]

Awesome 

[Indigochild]

Hey Boatsetsailrose

BIG TRIGGER ALLERT..........

I am super sorry you are suffering this awfulness and my heart goes out to you.
I hope you find the Pete Walker book helpful.

Yes- maybe it is shame you feel when you are looked at and you assume the worst. These beliefs and things that may have been said or implied to you may have made you feel same about yourself.
I really dont know how to help you at this stage in my recovery, but i have a few things to say that may or may not help...

It wouldnt surprise me if you felt shame because, I feel it, and after ages of wondering weather i did or not, i realised i did- and that was because i payed conscious attention to it. I have felt it all my life, just buerried it, and i have a raging outer critic that turns my shame outwards onto other people so i dont even feel the shame most of the time.
But a feeling of being fatally flawed is there i guess under the surface, sometimes louder than others.
So yes, with your mind telling yourself these nasty things about yourself- you probably do feel shame, and may be a result of being made to feel shame in the past.
We often join the abusers in the form of an inner critic- a way of agreeing with them so that we can believe we are safe because they are right, and we take responsibility for THEIR ACTIONS, because that gives us an illusion of control =
if only i were a worthy person- i would be treated better etc.
Does that make sense?
And that makes us think that if its our fault, because of who we are, we can change it, and failing that- ie. not matter what we DO is good enough, we think- well there must be something wrong with ME.
There is no control over abusers actions towards us...but we take sick comfort in believing that we caused it and they dont want us because we are worthless, - i guess at the time, that is less scary than facing the fact that you are being abused and neglected.
Sorry if you know about the inner critic already.

Do you feel like everyone can see how defective you are?
I do. So you would think that that person looked at you because they are seeing through to your core, the core that you think is bad inside you.

It seems to me that perhaps you feel responsable for other peoples feelings?
As children, we learn to be hypervigelant to control our abuse, i.e. if i say out of their way and be quiet...they will leave me alone...
and that thinking carries on into adult hood as the mind thinks it still needs to protect us, when it perhaps doesnt...
feelings of abuser and person being abused can be emeshed - which means, if abuser isn't ok / is angry / in a mood etc....then I wont be ok!! Because they will attack because they are not happy.

People have all sorts of reactions of course, based on their own life experiences, and if someone takes offence when you know you was not rude etc.
that is their own problem and is where they are on their life journey in their own lives.
It takes knowing yourself and trusting your self and your own perceptions to know that you did or said the right thing.
If someone says to you that you are a mean person and you believe them-
and your actually NOT a mean person-
it shows you have lack of knowledge about who you are and your boundaries are fragile so that would hurt you- them saying that-
same with feeling responsable for others feelings.
I like to look at it like ...that girl is in her own bubble-
you are in yours. There should be no leakage.

This takes time however and wont happen over night.
I am sorry too that you feel lonely. Horrible to feel that way.
Its hard to think in the moment of why you feel these things and why you have no intimate relationships. Its hard to think that-
its because of what happened to us-
not your fault!!

This feeling guilty for others reactions, when you are only doing your best to be nice.
And that inner critic will tell you that you caused it and that they are grumpy etc at you- with out a doubt.
We can not know how someone else is feeling and what about...it could be nothing to do wit you-
this has been said to me before...
but soooo hard to believe and get round.
So i empathise very much with you.

Good for you for trying to comfort yourself.
It is horrible when the mind races like that.
With out going too much into it, maybe if you remembered what happened when you felt like this in the past / when you were told you were all of these mean things the inner critic says to you...what happened after you had had your dose of shaming??
What were you afraid of? Therefore, what are you afraid of now?
What will happen if you are so bad? Why is that so bad?

I have my own answers to these, and its terrifying.
I hope you can work through it.

Loneliness spirals - thoughts of I don't have anyone -
And then thoughts get darker
Feeling like the only one in the world who is that bad is lonely.
It is lonely when you are made to feel that way (in the past) as you may realise subcontously that you are alone as know one is on your team, loving you like they should.
You may think you deserve all this abuse...therefore feel you deserve to be lonely if you are so bad.

I understand the loneliness and how it all spirals.
Its probably reminding you of how you felt back then when you may have been alone.

How great that you realise that you used addictions to numb this all out and that you are seeing it in third person.
Did you know that those with self hatred tend to be self destructive? Makes sense doest it.

I hope you can be more in reality and more in yourself.
Abuse carries on even though abusers may be gone and that is what makes me angry.

Try to be very gentle with yourself while you try to work through all this. It is hard stuff, and takes time, not to say that it cant be done.
We are all here for you. With out knowing you I know you are special, unique and wonderful and i hope one day you are able to see that.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you indigo
I am def coming to a place of 'yes I do feel responsible for others feelings -
U are the second person to point to it today for me
Thank you

I have done work around co dependence and care taking and have made good improvement -
This feels now another awareness and layer to work with - like I am zipping up - it's great
I am seeing a glimmer of something I've never seen before - reclaiming something

thank you
🌝👍☀️🍀

[Indigochild]

Thats so great Boatsetsailrose,
and no problem! 
i am glad you are making improvements and that you are reclaiming.