I like being avoidant dismissive?

[GoSlash27]

 All,
 I'm very new at this. Haven't even had my first therapy session yet, so please bear with me...

 I've spent my entire adult life avoidant/ dismissive, mistrustful, generally antisocial, avoiding conflict, and easily able to cut loose anyone who causes me problems and not look back.

 Am I weird for seeing these personality traits as a feature rather than a bug? I have very few close friends, but the few I have are awesome people. I have nobody in my life bringing me grief or drama. I *like* it this way.I feel happiest and most at-ease when completely isolated from humanity. I never get lonely, I *seek* solitude.

 I'm afraid that therapy will inevitably change or remove these personality traits. I honestly want to keep them.

 Thoughts? Is this a bad thing?

 Thanks,
-Slashy

 

[NarcKiddo]

Oh boy, that resonates.

I've had a few arguments - er, I mean discussions - with my therapist on this point. She has always maintained my life will be the richer for loosening up and being prepared to give the benefit of the doubt. I have often countered with the argument that it is far safer and more comfortable to continue living my life according to my long-held views to the contrary.

Therapy might change your views IF you are prepared to consider change. It won't remove personality traits and you are the one who decides what you want to keep. Don't forget that simply trying a different approach does not in any way mean you are changing your underlying beliefs. If you experiment, and find you were right all along, then no (or very little) harm done. If someone lets you down, that is annoying, but if you went into it with your eyes open, expecting them to, then at least you have the satisfaction of having been proved right.

For myself, I don't have any really close friends and never have. I cut people loose at the slightest excuse and don't look back. I am not sure I'll ever get to the stage of wanting really close friends, but I quite like the concept of having some people in my life who are more than just acquaintances. So that's what I'm working on. I have quite a lot of acquaintances I can work on. Ex-colleagues, mostly, who have wanted to stay in touch with me for some bizarre reason I cannot fathom. Right now I am experimenting with not turning down 99% of suggestions to get together, and maybe only turning down 50%. Plus being a bit more honest with people about how I am doing and what I think. I am liking it so far.

[Kizzie]

If you find a good therapist they will be concerned with how you feel about the character traits you have in place and whether or not they are of concern to you or not. At least that's how it should go if they are open to you being you. They may well ask why you are in therapy so you may want to have an answer to that ready.

[dollyvee]

Hi Slashy,

I feel you. I think it's perhaps both a feature and a bug for me, and have been exploring connection with a NARM therapist.

I think the bug part for me is when my old beliefs that kept me safe (ie being mistrustful, closed etc) actually pop up unknown and sabtotage relationships and connection. I guess it becomes a matter of perspective. We can feel very happy in our isolated worlds, but maybe there's also the inkling that something else is out there. For me, it pops up when I'm trying to make new friends. I rarely approach people (though that's not true as I'm pretty "chatty"), but I guess when I want to trust someone as a friend, and feel like maybe they'll be there for me, this stuff comes up. Superficial relationships where you want to feel like you don't require anything from anyone, only go so far. Or so I'm told. I have a difficult time believing that people don't want something from me on some level, and to me, that feels like betrayal (?) though I don't know the right word for it. However, it's very good at keeping all the feelings I want to keep hidden, hidden. I guess it just feels "safer" to do things like that, and it's whether or not that "safety" is actually warrented or not as an adult. Perhaps it's just learning to trust myself in the instances where it is warranted and where it isn't.

Sending you support,
dolly