Hello from I like vanilla

[I like vanilla]

Hello,

I have read many of the posts here and many have resonated with me so I have joined.

I struggle with this type of introduction but here goes...

I will start with my user name...

I grew up as the empathic black sheep in an abusive home. This, let's call it, 'upbringing' for want of a better term, messed with my head so badly that I ended up having no idea who I was as a human being. I was so messed up that I, literally, could not even tell the guy at the soft serve stand whether I wanted a chocolate or vanilla cone (luckily there were only two choices or I might have had a meltdown ).

I have been no contact with most of my family for several years. I am in touch with two siblings who also went no contact with the abusers. I have been working to figure out who I am, what I like and don't like, etc. One of the first things I did was discover that I like vanilla soft serve ice cream more than chocolate. I am discovering that I also enjoy many other flavours of ice cream, but for me it started with knowing that I could like vanilla ice cream, enjoy eating a cone of vanilla ice cream, and not be punished later for my choice. For me, there will always be something very special about the flavour of vanilla soft serve. This taste will always mark one of the first milestones I have had in reclaiming my Self.

Growing up in an abusive home, I have recently learned, also led to me having CPTSD. I have for most of my life known that I 'had issues'. However, it has only been in the last year of so that I finally learned what the root of the problems was; a health care professional recognized it in me. Like many people here, this diagnosis was both a relief and enlightenment, and a concern and discouragement. Right now, I am hanging on to the 'at least now I know what it is and that I'm not crazy' part of things.

I have started with a new therapist (my third on my life's journey). He specializes in abuse-related trauma and CPTSD. He practices an embodied type of therapy that seems to be working for me in a way that the other therapies have not (though the other two individuals did help somewhat). I have been working with the new therapist for less than a year, but for the first time in a long time I have hope that things will get better.

One point that might be important here, is that I go in cycles. I often will communicate with people, post on the internet, catch-up on emails, etc. for a long stretch. Then, I withdraw and cocoon, and close off from the world, inadvertently 'disappearing' from my friends. I have learned to try and give warning to people beforehand, but sometimes the cloud catches me too fast and I cannot give people the heads up. So, if the pattern holds, I might post a lot here, then go away, then come back. I hope that is OK.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hello I Like Vanilla 

What an elegant introduction. And nice that you also Like this Site/Community. Welcome.

Like many people here, this diagnosis was both a relief and enlightenment, and a concern and discouragement. Right now, I am hanging on to the 'at least now I know what it is and that I'm not crazy' part of things.

I can relate. It's a firm step along the way, quite a new territory to venture in. I hope, wish and trust you'll find a soothing quality with it, along all the turmoil it brings along with it.

One point that might be important here, is that I go in cycles. I often will communicate with people, post on the internet, catch-up on emails, etc. for a long stretch. Then, I withdraw and cocoon, and close off from the world, inadvertently 'disappearing' from my friends. I have learned to try and give warning to people beforehand, but sometimes the cloud catches me too fast and I cannot give people the heads up. So, if the pattern holds, I might post a lot here, then go away, then come back. I hope that is OK.

These cycles, I know them well. Cocooning. Checkmark there. Perfectly OK.
And you're not alone in this, there's even a special section for it. Probably you had already noticed.
http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=62.0
This place is a sort of inverted Hotel California: "You can check out any time you want, but you don't have to leave." With or without the 'heads up'.

Welcome once more, and I wish you many nice Vanilla Cone's on your journey,

Dutch Uncle

[arpy1]

hi, I like vanilla, welcome to you, i'm glad you have joined us 

i think the 'why' of your name is very beautiful!

don't worry about coming and going, no one will mind. i think there are a few of us who are similar.  just feel free to share in the support and wisdom of people here on whatever basis works for you.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello thank you for sharing - helps me too

Learning what we like is lovely isn't it - and that the shadows are just that now -
I still have a feeling like I am being watched though as if someone is going to tell me off - and then I remember no one is going to berate me - I am free

May I ask what an embodied type of therapy is ? It is great to hear it is working for you on a new level - I worked with a child trauma t and found it so validating and transforming
Best wishes to you on the next phase of your recovery

[I like vanilla]

Thank you all for the warm welcome and good wishes. Yes, I do still treat myself to vanilla soft serve

Boatsetsailrose, my apologies. Yesterday, I was kind of moving in and out of the fog so lost some of my words.

The type of therapy my T practises is called sensorimotor psychotherapy. It is based a lot on reconnecting with your body and feeling the sensations that are going on in your body. I am discovering how disconnected from my body I have been, likely for the bulk of my life. I am also discovering that feeling my feelings, both emotionally and in an embodied sense, is very powerful, if also at times somewhat uncomfortable.

The therapy also includes processing and releasing the trauma energy that was stored during the trauma (often by the 'freeze' response where neither fight not flight were enacted to release the energy at the time). During sessions I literally act out what my body needs to act out in response to whatever it is that I am feeling. I have, for example kicked pillows to 'fight off someone', 'run away from an attacker', and lied down on the couch to feel good about an accomplishment. Most times I tell my T about a situation (past or present) and he asks 'take a moment and see how that feels in your body'. Once I am settled there and tell him where I am at physically, he asks 'now what does your body need to do in response to that anger/fear/happiness, etc.?' then we go with it.

Part of the T's job is also to a) help ensure that we go forward but in a way that avoids retraumatizing me and b) to really pay attention to where I am at too. Sometimes I get in a bit of a spiral and he will gently say 'I noticed you emphasized that particular word' or 'I noticed that you have been twitching your fingers when you talk about that', c) to help me get regrounded (part of the avoiding retraumatization) - 'you seem to be getting quite deeply into the emotional space, do you need to pull back a bit?', '... is there somewhere in your body that is calm, can you feel that and focus there for a bit?'

I have homework to practise mindfulness. I also get homework (often self-assigned, but always agreed upon even if the T suggests it) to undertake activities to help me get back in touch with my body. For example, I recently tried dancing classes, and have started mild exercise everyday (almost everyday), etc.

I think for me it has been more helpful than the talk therapies and EMDR that I tried before in part because I am a freezer ;-) and sensorimotor psychotherapy focuses on releasing that stored energy. I think too that it works for me because so much of my memory is gone or fragmented, which hinders both talk and EMDR practices. With SMP we just start wherever I am that day; sometimes it's with a happening at work, sometimes it is a bad or good dream that I had, sometimes it is with the weather. As my T put it at our 'get to know you' interview, no matter what, you are always feeling something so there is always a place to start' (I had trouble with the last T because with EMDR I often did not have a place to start and she could not, and I think 'would not' help me when I had no solid memory with which to begin the process). With SMP we start where I am. Sometimes it's a straight-isn line from there, and sometimes we end up somewhere completely different but we trust that my body knows where it needs to go and we follow it.

Of course, this all is 'what works for me'. There are many types of therapies out there, including other types of somatically-based therapies. Everyone needs to and gets to choose for themselves what works for them

[Dyess]

Welcome to the forum ILV

[tiggerd2]

Welcome- you sound as though you are insightful and growing. You are learning who you are. That is growth.
I don't always check in all the time but people have a lot of good information and experience. Therefore I'm glad when I do.