Body Memory or ? (possible triggers)

[mourningdove]

For as long as I can remember, I have had the following experience, and I don't know if it is a body memory or something else:

It usually happens only when I lay down for the night, and only when I am on my back. I suddenly feel like there is a hand around my throat. It's not choking me, but it is just there. This is accompanied by the feeling of a menacing presence.

I don't know how long it can last, because I discovered a long time ago that by putting my own hand between my chest and chin, I can reassure myself that there isn't really anyone there, and the feeling quickly goes away. Whatever this phenomenon is, it's been happening for so long that I rarely even think about it except when it is happening. It's like, I'll lay down each night and at some point it will inevitably start, and I will feel very afraid and put my hand there and it will go away and then I will forget again.

I've tried a couple times to see if I could wait it out, if I could bear it until it went away on its own. Those efforts don't last long, because it's too scary and doesn't seem to let up at all.

I don't have any conscious memory of anything this might correspond to, and I'm not even certain how long it has been with me because it is just so ordinary at this point. I've been meaning to post about it for six months but kept forgetting.

So I'm wondering if anyone else has experiences like this or any thoughts on the matter. Thanks for reading.

[mourningdove]

I guess I should have expected it: I had the hardest time falling asleep last night, after having written about this. This phenomenon happened three times and there was also a menacing felt presence without the physical aspect, and it lasted a long while.

I actually turned on the light to reassure myself that there was no one else really there, but it only helped for a minute.

[Dutch Uncle]

I can't say I experience anything like this, MourningDove.


I hope your own soothing technique as you describe it may serve you well. 
(well, not the light thing of yesterday, obviously.)

[mourningdove]

Thanks, Dutch. 

[mourningdove]

 

[Dutch Uncle]

 

[Dutch Uncle]

I've tried a couple times to see if I could wait it out, if I could bear it until it went away on its own. Those efforts don't last long, because it's too scary and doesn't seem to let up at all.

I think it's perfectly OK not to try to wait it out. Not to try to 'see what's behind'.
There may be nothing behind.
Or what may behind it is your Inner You, longing for your own soothing touch. That the Inner You knows: "Hmm, I'd like to have that caring attention of MourningDove, that gentle hand on my throat/neck, let's draw some attention to it from MourningDove." and that does respond when you caress yourself there with: "Hmmm, that feels good. Let's relax."

I don't know how long it can last, because I discovered a long time ago that by putting my own hand between my chest and chin, I can reassure myself that there isn't really anyone there, and the feeling quickly goes away. Whatever this phenomenon is, it's been happening for so long that I rarely even think about it except when it is happening. It's like, I'll lay down each night and at some point it will inevitably start, and I will feel very afraid and put my hand there and it will go away and then I will forget again.

I did love this bit. It did strike me as an excellent example of self-care, self-soothing and self-healing even.
You have already found an answer.

I understand you could do without the initial unpleasantness, but I think it's awesome you are able to return to calmness by your own attention and touch. Do not think light of it: it's a beautiful gift you are capable of giving yourself, IMHO.

[mourningdove]

Thanks again, DU. I appreciate you keeping me company here.

I feel very lonely about this and vulnerable. I actually thought that someone might relate. Now I fear that people might think I'm just crazy.

[arpy1]

you are so NOT crazy, mourningdove. i think what you described sounds perfectly normal, especially if, as you suspect, it is rooted in an early fear or even an experience.

it might not even be an experience of your own that you have forgotten. it might be something you saw, heard or even heard about that you have now forgotten about.

for instance i know this is a bit different, but i have a deep fear about fire. and i know for a fact that it came from hearing, not even seeing, something (that literally took 30 seconds) in a works fire safety presentation about forty years ago. this affects me to the extent that i always prefer to live on the ground floor and have to know several possible escape routes from wherever i am. i even taught my kids to do this. and i used to not sleep well whenever they used to go on sleepovers as kids, if i knew they were staying in upstairs rooms. i still have the fear, but now they are grown i have learnt to accept i have no control over their lives. it still freaks me out if i let it though.  sounds crazy maybe, but to me it is perfectly logical. and i deal with it the best way i can so it doesn't rule my life.

i know it doesn't make what you experience any less unpleasant and frightening but i hope this is some comfort. and i echo DutchUncle, you deal with this thing in a very sensible and efficacious way. maybe one day the root of it will percolate up into your conscious mind, but even if it doesn't, you have a strategy that works for the time being.

anyway, mourningdove, you've got loads of supportive, non-judging allies here!   

[mourningdove]

Thank you, arpy1. 

I hear what you guys are saying about my coping method and I'm glad that I have it.

But yes, it is very scary and I wish I could find a way to make it stop entirely. And I wish I knew why this happens (I think). The coping method feels like a band-aid solution. I don't want to feel like someone has their hand on my throat every time I go to sleep, even I can usually make it go away fairly quickly. Despite the fact that it happens all the time, I am almost never prepared for it.

I am also interested in how it escalated when I wrote about it here. I don't know what to make of that.

[I like vanilla]

Hi mourningdove,

I am sorry to hear that this is happening to you. I get the same type of experience (in a different kind of way). I sympathize and empathize. Unfortunately, I find the whole thing quite confusing too.

For me, I am starting to suspect that it is a body memory. I have only wisps of 'mind memories', where any exist at all. But, I am starting to believe that my body is holding on to things that happened - were done - to me. I do not know if this is so in your case (I am not even sure if it is so in my case). But I am working with a therapist who practises a somatic type of therapy, and the more I am learning to pay attention to and understand my body, the more I am realizing that my body seems to know a lot more than my mind about things that happened in my past. My therapist has not said one way or another; I say 'I am not sure if this is real (that it really happened) or something else (e.g. symbolic)'. I suspect he thinks it really happened but is allowing me to process it at my own pace' My T also says it is less important to know where it is 'real or something else' than it is to know that my body is holding onto this understanding of my experiences. Whether 'real', 'symbolic', or 'something else' the energy is there, and we can work on processing and releasing it. I hope that made sense(?). I am starting to suspect it is real but I think it is unlikely I will ever know (I am NC with anyone who it might have been and they would lie about it in any case).

So, you are not alone and you are certainly NOT crazy. I think whether it is a 'real' memory, 'symbolic', or 'something else' our bodies are giving us messages. Unfortunately, at least for me, it is in a language that I still do not yet speak. But the message is there, I am working on understanding it. It sounds like you are figuring out some good coping mechanisms.

Sending you healing thoughts

ILV

[mourningdove]

Thank you, ILV 

I'm sorry you are having a similar experience, but your post made me feel much less alone and less freakish. I'm grateful for your support.

[I like vanilla]

Thank you, ILV 

I'm sorry you are having a similar experience, but your post made me feel much less alone and less freakish. I'm grateful for your support.

mourningdove, your post helped me to feel less alone and less freakish. I am grateful that you had the courage to post about these experiences