To sis. With her fingers in her ears, going "Lalalatida".

[Dutch Uncle]

Dear sister,

I'm writing this letter to you as a way of goodbye. It's the 'good talk' you want with me. Only I would never be able to speak this out to you. You will interrupt, deny, twist, lash out... As you so often do. DARVO. That's not a phantasy, not a 'projection' as you so slyly throw before my feet when I want to address some grievances of me, to you. It's only allowed you do that, to me. Over and over again the same old stuff. With some new thrown in for good measure, of course.

A couple of days ago I celebrated a major turning point in my life. For long I have dreaded that moment. Not anymore. It was the last time I have spend at your house. I didn't know that at the time. It took six months before I fully realized I could never go back to your house, and you were not welcome in mine anymore. In fact the realization was backwards. What you threw at me there, for the 15th time in ever so much years, I only had been pelted with previously in my own house, when you would visit me with one of your sons (always just one, and the 'wife' stayed home with the other one.) You remember well. These weekends where we would spend two days together, the three of us, and when the son went to bed, early as little kids should, we would sit around my table with coffee, wine, beer, snacks and the conversation so often deteriorated into you hackling me for not giving you enough attention.

By the way, do you realize that in the 25 odd years you have been together with your GF/wife, you and her have NEVER visited me, that you and her as a couple have never even have voiced the inclination of doing so? Not even when I gave you (plural) a Hotel-voucher for the city I live in, as a present for a 'wedding'-anniversary, and you ended up staying in a top-class hotel? I was invited to drink a cup of coffee at a restaurant where you would then have diner with your loved one, so I was invited told.
Don't you think that's a bit weird, Sis?

She's a bit of a character, your spouse. I like her. She's shy, withdrawn, almost a recluse (see above), but she's fine every time we DO meet. She's friendly and uncomplicated. We get along fine, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. She apparently does not have a great need to socialize (also not outside of our FOO, I've come to understand from the little you tell me about her), which is fine by me. As I said, when she does socialize, she does socialize with me. Fine. Great. Now worries by me. Nor by her that I can tell of.

But that last time I visited you (by your own standing invitation I should add) you found it necessary to 'up the ante'. First by for the first time spilling your filth over me at your own place, but more annoying, baffling, confusing and I now dare say 'gaslightingly', introducing your spouse in the mix (who wasn't present, as per usual). And throwing in your sons as well, who have now left home and have started living their own lives. Suddenly I was not only not giving you proper attention, but had apparently extended the 'bad behavior' to your wife and kids. "You never take anybody into consideration, ever!", you practically screamed, "all you ever do is speak about yourself and care for yourself!"

Well, not so much. I explained. Well, tried at least. But you would have non of it.
Somehow you apparently had figured later you had done something wrong, because a week later you wrote me you wanted to "talk over it".
I agreed. You cancelled the first appointment, for you had migraine, had gotten a speeding ticket (or a parking ticket or had the rear light of your car smashed, i don't recall exactly. Something small in any case. Bleh, but small). I had no choice but to 'accept'. When we did meet the week after in a cafe, it was basically a reprise of the event at your place. AGAIN I was given the same old "you arrogant, uncaring, selfish sod" speech. I did inquire about your spouse, and at first you said words to the effect that she was fine with me. I asked this at the very beginning, even before you took of on your well known diatribe on my many shortcomings.
The whole afternoon was a spoof. Just another one of those times where we meet for a 'good talk', which in fact is just a venue so you can offload your crap on me. When we were about to leave, I said: "Well, at least I'm happy it's OK with spouse and me." It was practically the only positive thing I had 'achieved' in coming. "Well", you said in a cringe voice, "I wouldn't be so sure of it. You'd have to speak to spouse for that." Nag-nag.

Now, both you and I know that spouse would definitely be upset by me doing so, and she would have non of it. She and our mom have a long-standing feud, most probably created and fueled by mom who, just like you, always want to "talk things over" if things people don't go her way.
I was baffled, thrown of my feet (insofar I was even standing in the first place after this non-resoluting 'meeting' we had had).
We said goodbye, I tried to show my affection for you by giving you a hug (something we seldom do) but I was met by a cold and rigid body. You didn't return my embrace. The "Venus of Milo" would have given me more in return than you did.

And so I sat in the train home, as confused, turned upside-down, inside-out as I had when I had visited you last time.
* was going on with this 'spouse' thing? Was I now going to phone spouse to figure out what her beef with me was?
Obviously not, but you can't imagine how much I tried to look for 'answers', appropriate action , etc.
For days I had this "I wouldn't be so sure of it. You'd have to speak to spouse for that." in my head. Looked at it from every possible standpoint I could think of. But in the end all these views only led to one option:
Be silent about it to spouse.
- She wouldn't have it, if only for the nasty experiences she had with mom. And rightfully so.
- She and I are OK. There's no doubt about it. She respects me for being me, and I her. What more could we both possibly want? She and I are OK with how things are, YOU are discontent with it. Well, it sucks to be you.
- She is the one who is distant and reserved. I remember very well that when you and her had another 'wedding'-anniversary, about ten year in (your sons were around six I guess) and the very first cracks had appeared in the 'marriage-for-hetero's-only' fortress. You and her had decided not to participate in these first civil-unions that had come allowed (for good reasons, that is to say, both of you thought it best to wait and fight for full marriage rights. Great for you both. Go for it!) and I struggled to find a nice gift for your spouse (quite hard if you hardly ever see her) and I decided on writing her a letter (which she could read at her leisure at any given point, reserved as she is in social contact), which primarily contained two messages:
1) That I considered her my Sister in Law regardless of any official status (and I think I even said that to her during the 'congratulations'-ceremony, with you standing next to her)
2) That I invited her to a yearly trip to the cinema (which I knew she loved going to), with a restaurant visit to boot if she wished, together with me, halfway between our residencies, so we could spend some time together, and get to know each other a bit outside the FOO-chaos (<--- I used other words for that, obviously)

She opened the letter at the party, and I peeked now and then to see her reaction. I was quite anxious.
She smiled from ear-to-ear. Multiple times.
I had hit the jackpot.
Or so I thought.
At first she responded to it a few weeks later. We made an appointment. I was thrilled.
Then she canceled a few days ahead. I 'agreed', said it was all OK, didn't make a fuzz, undoubtedly made clear I was disappointed, but not in a resentful way.
And that was the end of that.
And I thought, and think, it best for not pushing on it. By then it was already very clear she didn't like to be pushed, by mom. And rightfully so, I'll say again. I can relate.
The invitation still stands, I never revoked it. Obviously. She never tried again.

Well, that's quite enough for today.
There will be more. Some day.


You are an idiot, sis. For dragging everybody, including your spouse and kids in your never ending Drama.
I wish you a happy life with your spouse. And luck with it. You're going to need it. I'm gone, your kids out of the house. It's you and her now, and you've driven a wedge between me and her, and the wedge is you. Which doesn't matter much any more. For I will not be seeing you either. So she's of my radar as well. She's YOUR spouse after all.

I'm pretty sure I will still be OK with her, and vice versa, if and when we meet.
With you... Most probably not. But I've run out of gas. And have resigned in it. And that feels better now than I had ever thought possible.

[arpy1]

    what a lot of do-do your sister has excreted over you all these years.

  how good it must feel to write all that out and say it like it really is.

loads of these to you, dear D/U, to soothe the pain a bit.

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks  . It helps a lot  .

[Dutch Uncle]

Ah sis, and then your real marriage.

How can you possibly create a Drama of your own marriage? I'm amazed you did. Not so much amazed you could. You're not the only one on this planet who does so, if that's any consolation to you.

So, finally all was fixed. Gender requirements regarding marriage scrapped, and the laws also changed so that same-sex partners can get full parenthood regarding kids.
Excellent, Bravo, you played your part to get it thus. Cheers!

You call me up, a week before dad's birthday, which we traditionally attend. You, me, spouse (most of the time), your sons, GF's (if applicable at the time), dad's brother and his wife, Aunty. Sad thing is that Uncle passed away last year, so it'll be Aunty only.
You tell me you will marry, invite me to the wedding-party later that year, tell me your sons will (legally) be full sons of your spouse, Fiësta Galore.
But WHAT needs to be done? I have to keep my mouth shut at dad's birthday. Aunty is not to know about this. *? Why tell me now? Because I might be abroad when the party takes place, half a year later or so, you fear.
Yeah right...couldn't you have waited one more week?
Never mind that I can't think of how Aunty has wronged you, but hey: it's your party, your call, obviously.

So I go, anxious not to spill my mouth... TO YOUR SPOUSE TO BE AND GF FOR 25 YEARS, TO YOUR SONS WHO MOST CERTAINLY ARE HAPPY THEY OFFICIALLY NOW HAVE TWO PARENTS (if not for themselves than certainly because their moms want it so badly) AND TO YOU WHO I CANNOT CONGRATULATE IN PERSON ON THE UPCOMING HAPPY EVENT!
I thought I went bonkers that day.
What a Secret Drama, Sis. You are definitely a couple short of a six-pack.
At some point I find you in a secretive talk with dad, in the uttermost corner of his kitchen. You tell him the 'good news'. "*?", I go again. Couldn't you wait another DAY? In any case, I had thought you already pulled the same stunt on him as you did on me, but apparently not. Not enough Dramatic effect probably, but now I'm guessing from my amateur diagnosis of you being Histrionically Personality Disordered. I'm probably right though!
I keep my nerve (how do I even do that? I'm a couple short of a six pack as well, I have to be for putting up with this crap and not "RUN for the hills!" but staying to stare the Beast in the face), go back in the living room and play my act of "just another birthday party like any other".

Aunty, bless her soul, is actually quite upbeat for a woman who for the first time is attending her BIL's birthday party without her husband. She tells about how they first lived for a long time in the big city uncle (and dad) were raised, how they frequently moved around, and in every house she delivered a baby.
Good times, good memories. Some hardship they overcame (post-war times, the country pillaged thoroughly).
I loved it. Remember the good times, in your time of grief. Not to push away the grief, no denial or something like that, but actually expressing what good is still around, despite the loss of more of that ever coming again).
Or so, I can't fathom to be in a situation like that.

I have the feeling there and then that you can't really relate to the 'good stories' of Aunty, but I don't care. I try not to focus on you, and your FOC, for fear of saying something WRONG. OMG, I might inadvertedly speak of the happy things YOU and your FOC are about to celebrate. CAN'T HAVE THAT, I'll be put to the stake.

A bit later I see you sitting down next to Aunty, with your sullen, sorrowful dramatic face, and bring up the death of Aunty's daughter, a year or so before her husband passed away. Are you bonkers, sis? Don't you remember she walked around like a zombie, heavily sedated, on that funeral, totally devastated by the sudden loss of her daughter? Her kids had to support her walking!
And you are BRINGING THAT UP? Oh oh oh, so compassionate you are, right sis? You are willing to 'discuss', "talk it over" wit Aunty, BUT SHE CAN'T ATTEND YOUR WEDDING PARTY, she's not even allowed to know it will even take place?
She's not going to have a break, now is she.
She's not allowed to feel that life goes on, and she's welcome to the good bits in life.

I think you are a monster sis.

Yet on your (social/business media) profile you advertise yourself in the field of "ethical decision making". No kidding!
If it were not for stirring up the poo anymore than it already is hitting the fan, I would cancel my connection to you there.
I'm glad I have no endorsements for you stated in that field.

I'm so glad I don't have to witness any more stunts like that sis.
It makes me sick even thinking about it.

[Dutch Uncle]

Oh, and I almost forgot the best stinking bit:

So, we meet at some point, on neutral ground, halfway.
You wanted to know how I had experienced growing up in the FOO.
Wow, opening I thought, again.
WRONG, again.

I will now only mention the part regarding the episode on dad's birthday. (don't know how that came to the surface, but never mind)
When I told you I had felt uncomfortable with not being able to congratulate your wife to be and your sons on the happy occasion...
I was rebuked for being so overly sensitive on keeping a secret! Ha!

More  for me of course, but at the same time a resolve that I would never ever be able to have a decent exchange on how I experience things. And that my experience would actually account for something.

So long! Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

[arpy1]

am still here, D/U, hearing and standing witness for you. whatever it takes. 

[Dutch Uncle]

I'm feeling better by the sentence  .

Thanks. 

[stillhere]

Wow!  What drama!!  What manufactured intrigue!  And all for what?

You have witnesses now, Dutch Uncle.  The curtain can come down on this drama. 

From experience, I can tell you that NC is a relief.  But the damage still runs  deep.

[Dutch Uncle]

Thank you. 

It's the first time I gathered all these tidbits in one place, in one piece.
It feels good to have been able to do that without interruption, without denial and without marginalization by sis.

[Dutch Uncle]

So, you went on a honeymoon to NYC. The four of you. Cities... not really your thing. But hey, the other three love cities, and wanted to something else than the eternal camping for a week. I suppose.
So I get this mail from you, after the trip:

Hi [name],

We're back. Pff..., what a city. Seen a lot, experienced a lot. Grandiose city. The 'vibe' that's talked about so much: I didn't feel it. But an experience nonetheless. The four of us had a good time, though we had to get used again to the negotiating involved in being on holidays with each other.

Home again. Frankly: good as well.

Well, love, [name]

PS: what a crap weather. I want to work in the garden, but can't. Rain, rain, rain.
I assume with you as well.



To which I replied:

Dear [name],
Good to travel, good to return. Excellent combination. Great to have had such an experience. Wonderful idea to do this.

The weather, ha! Yeah it totally sucks, it's like autumn! Brrr... There's some sun though, but the predictions are not looking good.
How was the weather in NYC? Or is their not much weather to experience, in between the skyscrapers? Did you travel outside the city-limits itself? Find a bit of landscape? Or is it so build-up you'll need a day trip to get even out of town? Have you seen Central Park? That's supposedly a forest inside a city. Or is that not the case? Any highlights of the trip? Musea, Theater, Broadway, the city itself, the people? What sort of vibe did you pick up?
I'm curious!

Until soon, [name]


Why didn't you reply? 
Is there no fun to be shared, or is it that sharing fun is a no-no?

Honestly I don't care anymore.
Happy negotiations with everybody! Make sure to drag them out for as long as possible! It's the gift that keeps on giving! You can always just start over when you flipped your mind!