Tomb of Bricks

[Phoenix]

While I saw others building with straw and sticks... I worked so hard to build mine from bricks.

I knew the story... I knew the risks... and so I put so much energy into working with that sturdy material... into building walls that would never fall down or cave in...

... that I forgot doors or windows...

Refusing to change course after all that work... feeling the wolf's breath too close for comfort... I placed that last brick long ago...

Now the air has almost run out...

Everything still looks great from the outside... sturdy, large, beautifully designed - solid brick.

...and there are no windows to look through to see that I'm inside... on the ground... gasping my last breaths...

help

[Lostnafraid]

Beautiful, I so get every word of this.

[Butterfly]

Welcome and I'm not the most poetic person but I get what you're saying. I'm glad you're reaching out for help and stepped in to introduce yourself. Hopefully you find the group here supportive of your healing journey. Know you are not alone. Do you have support in real life?

[Phoenix]

Thank you both for your responses.

The sad thing is... in theory, I have support in my life... but I seem completely unable to access it.

I'm sure if I reached out - others would be willing to offer me help... but I just can't... I don't know how to ask for - or accept it... and so - instead - I keep up my front: everything is fine - I don't need anything.

I am the rescuer...  who desperately dreams of being rescued.

[MaryAnn]

Hi Phoenix 

Your poetic prose is beautiful.  You said so much in so few words.  Many here do understand and will be here to support you.

You said,

I am the rescuer...  who desperately dreams of being rescued.

I almost ran out of air as well.  I had always been the strong one, the one that could and was expected to fix everything for anyone in my family and my husband as well.  I am a workaholic and I am that same person there as well.  I could not go to anyone in my family, there would have been no support.  I did tell my husband, but he is too self involved and I have to support him for how it effects him.  Pretty messed up.  I was the one that landed in the hospital but I had to "pull myself up by the bootstraps" and console and calm him down.

In my experience, I have had the most luck reaching out to strangers whether it is their profession or they have experienced similar abuse and traumas.  I did my homework on Therapists online and selected 3 that had the personality and approach to counseling that I would feel most comfortable with.  I do not do real well as far as trusting others so fortunately, the first one I called never called back to make an appt.  The second one did call and he was the right one.  But, it took me almost 2 years to completely trust him.  I am a manager at work and fortunately my manager has also been someone that I have been able to overcome trust issues with and is supportive.  So, other than my T, my boss, my husband, the only other people that are aware of my vulnerabilities and that I am not as strong as I appear are the people here at OOTS.  I, too, hope you find this group to be supportive during your journey.  Support is important.  If there is just one person in your life that you are confident that you can trust and will understand, reaching out to that one person is the first step....

MaryAnn

[Phoenix]

Thank you so much MaryAnn.

I'm really hoping that I can find a kindred spirit on this site to take this journey of healing with. I've kept together such a superficial existence for so long and now that I'm at my breaking point I'm unsure how I can possibly backtrack. The best way I can describe it is if when a bone breaks... you don't get the right medical attention and it heals wrong - you need to re-break it so it can set correctly.

With the best of intentions on my part, I've let things heal wrong and now I need to re-break to start over
The process just seems so incredibly lengthy and painful I am not convinced I'm up for the challenge... I just finished reading Trauma & Recovery and it all makes sense... I have a new psychiatrist (a super fancy one that my job is paying for) so I'm very lucky. She says she's going to start me on some meds next week to try and ease the symptoms... but still... I feel like if I open all this back up (my childhood) what if I can't close it off again? What if it's too hard to do my job with the intrusive thoughts and feelings? What if it hurts my marriage? Or my ability to parent? (I try and remind myself that the reason I'm here in the first place is because all those things are currently being hurt by my inability to cope at the moment... but what if it makes it even worse instead of better?)

I'm still at the stage where saying anything out loud is unthinkable (thank goodness for typing) and where I don't think anyone would even believe me if I did - including my husband who I have been with for over a decade because he just "can't imagine things could have been that bad." or doesn't want to believe or can't bear to believe... I'm not sure - but that's been his response when I mention one random thing... imagine if he actually new the whole deal?

I don't know... basically... it's like wanting to go to a gym but knowing you need a gym buddy or else you'll stay on the couch and drink wine... anyone want to be my psychological gym buddy? Totally on board to give us much as I receive in terms of support! Don't need a rescuer in this case - happy to have a partner instead!

[MaryAnn]

Hi Phoenix  ,

anyone want to be my psychological gym buddy? Totally on board to give us much as I receive in terms of support! Don't need a rescuer in this case - happy to have a partner instead!

I would like to be one of your gym buddies!   I would be happy to have a partner as well for support and will make every effort to give as much as I receive.

I will never forget what my T told me in one of my early sessions.  He knew I was fallings apart and was looking for someone to rescue me.  He told me gently, that no one was going to rescue me.  That I had to rescue myself in order to truly recover and fill the emptiness.  It has not been easy and I have not filled the emptiness yet, but I do feel better about my future and have hope for recovery.  I have had a couple of relapses over the last 2 years and wish I had found OOTS sooner.  The relapses might not have been so severe if I had opened up here and had been able to give and receive support.

Thank you for kindness!

MaryAnn

[arpy1]

hey, phoenix, welcome to the gym!  i just wanted to say i'm sorry it feels so bad. can't promise a swift recovery, but if you are even a little bit willing, to take even a tiny step, that is a start. and that's all it takes.

like, all you need to get some air into that house is to take out one brick. then maybe, when you have got used to that, another. then you will begin to see a bit of the view as well as being able to breathe better. 

don't bother with doors and windows at first. and certainly don't think of pulling the whole lot down and starting over. no way. one little bit at a time is what i am always being told. and it's good advice. i am trying to bite-size everything.  then you don't get overwhelmed.

loads of  to you

[The Girl Who Was Me]

Sorry for the late reply; I just joined today.

Your initial post gave me the chills it was so beautifully expressed.

> I'm sure if I reached out - others would be willing to offer me help... but I just can't... I don't know how to ask for - or accept it... > and so - instead - I keep up my front: everything is fine - I don't need anything.

I hear you so much on this.  Asking for help is so hard, especially if you have created that brick wall facade that everyone else thinks is so real.  Then you are having to start from a place of no one even believing you have a serious problem, which is hard.  I'm just starting out on my journey of healing myself, so I don't have a lot of "been there" advice to give you, but I can commiserate on how hard taking these first steps are.   We're in it together.