Where can i go that is safe? Im constantly freaking out inside.

[Indigochild]

Does anyone have any advice on what i should do?
Basically, I didnt want to write this in the previous topic i wrote, in fear that the person who knows my situation on here might think that I'm not here for her if i write, i cant reply to her message, as its too hard right now. She has been so lovely to me, and i dont want to be all self absorbed reaching out.

Im in a bad place. Extremely anxious, my nerves are in spreads, dont feel safe at all, Im just so afraid, dont feel i have a home, dont feel safe in my own home, i need to isolate and collect myself the best I can, but for certain reasons, that is not an option right now as he is coming back home with me for social reasons and I'm not sure i can handle any more but i can't tell him or partner.
I dont trust either of them and maybe for good reason.

Been staying what a friend (triggering friend) ..was afraid of being majorly triggered...i had to get away from partner- and i am triggered.
Been here for 2 days and it feels much longer- constant constant triggers, i feel truly terrible, and i dont know what is going to make it better.
I know i need to express all of these different emotional flashbacks I'm having, and i dont think anyone around would understand. I just need to be by myself for a while, but if i am, I'm not sure this constant anxiety and sheer panic would stop.
Strange for me i have had a few painful tears (alone)...im just terrified and fearful all the time.
This has been going on for a while and in fear again of this person and his explosive temper...im being *the good girl* and the pleaser to try and tame him which i hate.

I feel i could easily decent into crisis, and i need somewhere where i feel safe.
Does anyone have any ideas? I live in the uk so emergency room isn't an option and i dont feel i need to go there at this stage.

hope this makes sense in a very round about way.
thanks,
Indigo

[KayFly]

 

Don't worry about anything with me. I had a bad day yesterday but it's better today.

Is there a shelter or crisis center you can stay at?

Journaling is a good outlet for me. But you might not feel like it at the moment. Is there something soothing or nice you can do for yourself today? Self soothing?

Would you be open to calling a crisis line to get support on what you could do?

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. You're gonna get through this. You will find the words to say to your partner when you are ready. Even if that means big changes need to be made. You have the right to be at your home and negotiate what works for you in the relationship. If he doesn't respect that, he's not respecting your boundaries and he needs to go.

[Trees]

Dear Indigo, I wonder can you find a safe-but-affordable temporary lodging there?  In the past, I have checked into a motel for a day or two when I just needed seclusion from other people.  I was able to find some modest chain motels along a well-traveled road where no one was curious about a single woman who stayed to herself.  Then I would lock the door, get under the bedcovers, and just become a vegetable for a while.

       

[Indigochild]

Hi KayFly,
I cant believe you knew it was you, but then again, it might have been obvious.

I do worry about you. I hope your ok, and if not, I'm here for you.
Im also very sorry for the pain you are experiencing.

Thanks so much for your reply.
Im back home, friends over...feeling a little less anxious. I just dont want any more triggers.  They seem to happen every second.

I will try to do something soothing when i can.
I need a day to myself, but cant tomorrow as i cant be in the house with this triggering person we have over, so doing the volunteering stuff i forgot about for a few hours with partner.
I couldnt call a crisis line as i dont feel i can talk it all out. I guess i just to release the emotions and maybe then ill be able to talk...but I'm not sure if i will or can talk.

Your words are so encouraging.
Thank you for everything 

[KayFly]

I like Tree's Idea too. Glad you got a little ease. Never feel like you are a burden. You're in a tough spot and you deserve to be cared for. We all have our ups and downs, and sometimes I can't be there for you, or you can't be there for me. And thats good! Because that means we are focused on our own recovery.

I just hope you find more peace. Take care of you! Be nice to you! So many  

[Indigochild]

Hi Trees

thank you so much for your suggestion.
Im quite short at the moment for money but that sounds like a good idea.

That sounds really nice. I hope it helped you.
Sometimes being alone is scary too. Maybe i just want someone to fix what is going on indside an make everything better.
But i dont think anyone can or will. Its up to me. Knowone is coming are they. :----(

Thank you so much

[KayFly]

 

[Trees]

Indigo, I am so sorry I missed the point of your message!  I do know what it is to need to "get away" in a not-all-alone kind of way.  You don't deserve to be dealing with all this chaos and all these triggers and all the unhelpful people.  You deserve peace and safety and comfort and respect and love.

Sometimes it just feels like there is nowhere to turn, nowhere to go, no one who can give the kind of help that is needed.  Please give yourself the big hugs that some of us here would like to give you.  And please keep reminding your self that there are people in the world who believe wholeheartedly that you deserve peace and safety and comfort and respect and love. 

Please stay in touch as you deal with this upheaval in your life.  Big hugs 

[Indigochild]

Hey KayFly

I replied earlier but it didnt send for some reason.
Thank you so so much for your validation. I have been feeling like a burden a lot lately, so thank you. I do have my doubts about what people are thinking on the forum with my posts.

I had a warm bath when i woke today after majorly oversleeping.
Friends over and wasnt feeling ok at all, they left tonight as partner told them I felt sick which wasnt true but my stomach was in knots. We talked and my anxiety has gone down a lot and feeling much better. Still worried about the relationship, as it turns out he is resentful of staying home with me because of the fear i have of being alone in the house (since retraumatised) and maybe that is why he is not playing fair in the relationship housework wise etc. but he wants to work on it in therapy, so that is hopeful.
i told him that i can not stay if there is just no progress and if he doesnt want to work on it.

Absolutley exhausted and will have a quiet day tomorrow.

I can NOT thank you enough for everything. For everything.
I hope you find peace too. 

[Indigochild]

Trees

I dont thin you missed the point of my message! I was just trying to explain.
I really appreciate your suggestion. There other day, being alone is all i wanted.

Thankyou so much for your kind words.
I am super sorry that you understand this kind of stuff..this fear, and pain....feeling so lost and afraid.

I will keep in touch, thank you for the reminders too and the encouragement, and for being here. It means an awful lot.

Big hugs to you too 

[KayFly]

Indigo,

I am so glad you hear that you at least found some resolution and your partner is willing to work on things in therapy.

I could see that you were feeling like a burden but, I absolutely did not feel burdened, just was drawn to your sweet spirit, and really related to your feelings, so it actually really helped me a lot to validate the things that I need to do for myself to take care. You were helping me too, in case you didn't know

Way to go with self care. Keep it up. I'm takin a little break from the site because of triggers (nothing you did), and just really busy...and my partner just got back from India so I really am excited to spend time with him. But I'll probably be back for a group at the end of the month.

Take care Indigo      So much healing and wellness to you!

[Indigochild]

Hey KayFly

I am so glad i helped you to validate the things you need to do for self care, and I hope you are able to do them. You deserve it very much.
Im so sorry the site is triggering for you at the moment. I hope the break does you good, and we are always here should you wish to pop by.

I hope that you and your partner enjoy spending time together.

Healing and wellness to you too. Take care..