Ever wonder why? Why now?

[Dyess]

Never thought I would ever be in a CPTSD forum talking about such. Always thought my life was just how life goes and that I had dealt with the really bad stuff and moved on. I mean no ones life is perfect, right? I guess I'm lucky in a sense that this didn't catch up with me until I was older, mid 50's. I can't imagine dealing with this at a younger age and for the rest of my life. So why now? Was finding dad, and dealing with his death, the straw that broke the traumas back? I've witnessed so much death and bad things , have stories that would give you nightmares, they still haunt me. I have a hard time believing that talking about these issues will solve anything really. You can't erase the past or memories, but there must be some way to calm these memories down again to resume a happy life again. *sigh* If things are not bad enough in the world your own mind and body attack your self being. It sucks.

[Dutch Uncle]

I do not have the answers, dear Trace.
But may I ask you what the answers are for you? If you have any?

Was finding dad, and dealing with his death, the straw that broke the traumas back?

Do you think that was it?
Or perhaps phrased in way that doesn't need an 'explanation': Has it been your experience that event was it?

I've witnessed so much death and bad things , have stories that would give you nightmares, they still haunt me.

Have these memories intensified since you've found your dad? Both in intensity and/or quantity?

I have a hard time believing that talking about these issues will solve anything really.

What would, for you, need to be 'solved'?

If things are not bad enough in the world your own mind and body attack your self being. It sucks.

It is my understanding of PTSD that this is exactly what PTSD is. We are so used to stress that we have difficulty living stress-free. And thus 'we' create our own. At least we know how to 'handle' that! We slip into our routines.
Which is a very natural thing to do for everybody: slipping into routines when stressed and/or faced with the unknown.
Routines can be changed though, but only through practice, practice and practice.
But I'm by no means an expert. I only learned about PTSD 18 months ago or so, and cPTSD basically when I signed up here, 4 months ago.

[Dyess]

Thanks for the  response Dutch Uncle , will give that some thought and get back to you. You sure ask a lot of questions

[stillhere]

Trace, I've been asking the same question:  why now?  At least some of what I'm facing is far from new.  I thought I had my response under control at least enough to be highly functional.

From what I've read, you may be right about the limits of talking.  One theory is that we store responses to stress in our bodies and that our brains retain residue of the past.  That's the reason some experts promote mind/body therapies. That explanation makes some intuitive sense to me.  I've just recently started to learn yoga, hoping for a new path forward.

So perhaps you've responded at a point in life when all the misery has accumulated.  You will find a way through.  But you may have to try several paths before one leads you.

[woodsgnome]

My only consistency with answers crash back on me all the time. The "search for answers" button is stuck.  Maybe it just comes down to comfort, if one doesn't harm anyone in the process (the addictions game, etc).

Still, the elusive nature of "why" bugs me. Long before I ever got to talk therapy, I found a nice escape via a really cool career. Then life would get a little rough again, and I'd go answer-hunting once more. I tried exhaustive reading--surely one book or article would stand out? Many helpful ones, no lasting calm, no satisfying answers, but I read on. Okay--how about some group workshops--people are my achilles heel, so groups will surely cure my social anxiety and I'd know the "why", I figured...scratch that answer off the pad.

I was once anti-therapy, actually; then I tried it, it did dig under what was hidden. At first. Good T, then she moved and I never found a comfortable T again. I know they must exist--hear about 'em, and maybe if I could find one there'd be answers. Umm--not holding breath on that one.

Oh, great, no answers. Well, they say wonder is a good thing, and that's what no answers implies, so that's small comfort #1. Curiosity tells me I'm still relatively sane, or does it just trick me into more answer searching?

Maybe the real answer is I'm afraid of answers. While I did some hospice volunteering years ago, it didn't prepare me at all for the only true friends I ever found unexpectedly dying within a short time frame of each other.

The mind desperately wants an answer. We were 5 unlikely but true-blue friends who'd landed together 20+ years ago; while we lived apart a ways, they were my only friends, the "we-don't-need-to-knock" sort. Hermit me--with true friends! How cool is that?

Now I'm the only one left, they went so quickly. All that swirls when I think of any "why" is followed by another; they all slip away, a thousand why's press me down, starting with why am I left so alone? Again? Why bother?

One little pocket of hope, for me, came via a teen's own farewell song when he was dying a couple years back (I put his songs/story on the last page of the first "hear-it-for-the music" section). His answer: to hope, anyway. Sounds almost corny, just another cliche, until I learned that he really lived that way, with no answers whatsoever. Glad I found at least that inspiration.

I hate this--I've talked down the screen to here, and no answers. Again. Yet another typical long-winded non-answer. I guess I'm left with the kid's theme--to hope, anyway. Its drawback is it feels like starting over. But where else is there to be?


 

[Dyess]

Hello Still Here, I understand what you are saying about the traumas and stresses being stored in the mind and body. I think massage may be a good way to go as well. My body stays so tense that the stress is most likely being stored in the muscle it's self. My back muscles are as hard as a piece of wood, visible knots form in the muscle sometimes. That's where I carry my stress. So that it as option still haven't answered the why now question though unless the body, mind and soul have reached their limits. Wouldn't it be nice to have a purge or reset button on the BM&S. Or be able to selectively delete some memories. I wonder though if they would change who we are. We are the sum of our experiences, which would include memories. Things that make you go hmmmmmm

[Dyess]

We are not stupid people, we should be able to figure this out or at least look as some viable options for us all. Seems like "being stuck" is a common theme, agree? I think some people just don't know what they want in life. As life changes so do our wants, needs and desires. Add traumas on top of that and it can be a very overwhelming situation for us. Some people are happy as they are and really don't want change. They have become too comfortable in the situation they are in and there's nothing wrong with that as long as we understand where we are at and why. I like my isolation time, I like exposing my life to people I want to expose it to and not have so many people in my business. So I've created this safe place in my home, but still not happy. Maybe it's music that's missing. I've always loved music but most of the time I sit in a quiet house. Used to get some serious housework done with Madonna Maybe that's something I need to look into, and dance like no one is watching

[stillhere]

Trace,

My best explanation for "why now?" is that events (in my case anyway) have triggered old issues that have been lying dormant for decades.  I talked them through over and over decades ago, but apparently, all I managed was to talk them into a corner.  They've been lying around quietly ever since.

So now the EFs, the anxiety, the panic attacks all come crashing through.  It's as if I've harbored a virus that my immune system never entirely eradicated.  And now I'm having relapse.  It sure does feel like a relapse from long ago.

It's this sort of explanation that's been making sense to me.  It's backed up by some science focusing on the mind/body connection.  And supposedly, with attention to mind and body connecting, the symptoms may subside, and the memories may cease to be so present.

I can only hope.

[Dyess]

Still Here, that makes sense. So can we talk them back into a corner, where they were quiet at one time? What else can we do with them? There's no erasing memories. They say you must work through these things, make them less intrusive, less frightening, and all that other stuff. I felt like I had done this long ago with the memories, so it's obviously not a permanent solution. I guess one good point is at my age my ST memory will be declining and I will forget what started all this , at some point.

[stillhere]

Well, Trace, I don't know.  I've been asking the same questions.  But I think we can't just talk them back into the corner, at least not now that they've crawled out of the corner.  My understanding is that all the talking I did way back when worked only as long as the symptoms remained "tamed."  But even tamed, they lurked in the shadows, apparently imprinted somehow on my brain.  When my NPDM redoubled her efforts, they reappeared.

I've been thinking lately about how young a discipline psychology is.  So much of what I've read in the last six months or so wasn't known when I was last addressing these issues.  Treatments like EDMR hadn't been "discovered."   So maybe eventually we'll find ways to make these problems disappear.  Or at least someone will find ways.

[woodsgnome]

Quote Trace: "Maybe it's music that's missing. I've always loved music but most of the time I sit in a quiet house."

My existence sounds oppressive to many--gee, woodsgnome sits around listening to the woods, oh my . Little do (well, okay, some do) people know the music that gets played here--including some I do on my own instruments. I don't have a TV, but I have a top-line CD player and lots of my favorite genres on disc ready to roll.

And if the mood hits, you said it best:"dance like no one is watching" . 

 

[Dyess]

Well crank it up We need to dance and sing like no one is watching, and I hope they are not. My cats run and hide when I sing, so  there ya go. If it's not working out doing what we are doing maybe we are not doing what we need to feel better. Everyone is different, so not the same thing is going to help the same person. We have to find our own uplifter, life's Wonderbra of sorts.