How to deal with anger, when your afraid of it and of expressing it?

[Indigochild]

I really didnt want to write this one in the emotional flashbaks section, as I'm not sure this is an emotional flashback, but instead warranted anger.
Im no good at trusting my intuition sometimes.

Any opinions would be great to hear, and appreciated.

What do you guys do when you feel sooo angry but are afraid of your anger?
What do you do when you are unable to express it, in fear of what the person you live with will think?
What do you do when you feel that things will blow up, if your anger came out?
What do you do when you just want to forget this feeling , and you partner presses for answers, or tries to psychologically read you?
What do you do when you say your fine, because you dont want to say you dont want to talk about it, because you dont want to let the person you live with know your not ok, and you need them to think you are?

They dont get that you dont want to spill that you are mad / sad...whatever.

hope this makes sense

[KayFly]

Hey Indigo,

I'm sorry you are in so much emotional turmoil and/or possibly were triggered into an emotional flashback.    First, I feel like you are absolutely right to not want to express yourself to your partner while overwhelmed with emotion.

Second, I have some questions that come to mind, in order to better understand the situation:

*Do you feel safe expressing your emotions normally with your partner?
*Do you think you might have a wall up in communicating your feelings?
*Could it be an emotional flashback to a time when you didn't feel safe expressing your emotions?
*What does, as you said, "blow up" look like?
*Do you find yourself avoiding being assertive/setting boundaries?

Earlier today, I was afraid to tell my partner that I was upset about something, because I was afraid we would get into an argument or it would get blown out of proportion, and, well we got into an argument when I brought up how I felt.  During the argument, he said something with a tone of voice that sent me into an EF of my abusive father expecting things from me, yelling at me. Then there I was in the middle of an argument, sent into an EF, trying to explain what is going on in my EF, but also trying to argue my point. Later, when things had calmed, I was able to express myself to him.

It would make sense to me that you may have been in an EF, because in my experience I cannot really speak during those times, and I want my partner to go away because I feel like he wouldn't understand, or I am too overwhelmed to alliterate what I am actually going through.

When someone is trying to pick my brains and I am not able/willing to talk about it, I usually have to use some sort of boundary and say something like "I don't want to talk about it right now." So it seems like you had yourself in a bit of a pickle.

I was just listening to SpartanLifeCoach's latest videos, and he said something along the lines of "When all those thoughts of anger come up, try to find a way to laugh at it. Find humor in it." That made me think of you. I certainly am no pro at this. I lack emotional stability, but I liked this idea, and I would like to try it.

I hope you are feeling better, and I hope you find some answers. I modified this a couple times because I wanted to be respectful and come from a place of my own personal knowledge, while try to get more information on your situation. You are welcome to not answer any of it. But I hope you find clarity and I am here to listen 

[Indigochild]

Hi KayFly

Thanks a lot for replying to my post....and it was a very nice post too.
I was going to reply last night, but i was so out of it. 
It wasnt too many questions at all, and your post was helpful.
Thanks so much for just being here and being so supportive.
It may be silly, but reading that last night, i felt that i had someone there with me.

Yes, my guard is definitely up.
I want him to think everything is ok because i cant show any vulnerability, and he has issues dealing with my anger.
Sometimes he says hurtful things, and he says he just gets angry.
Thats fine, but yesterday it reminded me of my mum, and he seems to throw the fact that i have flashbacks right in my face.
We talked about this.
He is in therapy, its just annoying when the same things keep happening over and over again, its always the same issues so outside help is needed.
He doesnt tell things to his T the way it actually went, so it seems she is not helping and telling him he is doing everything fine in this relationship.
I am not safe enough to express anger etc. because he is not ok with it, but he wants to be.
I just dont know what to do with it, and it comes out in niggles at him.

How do you mean, you got to a place where you couldnt pretend any longer? What made it that way?
I am glad your partner made you feel safe enough to express your emotions. Thats really cool.

I always thought it was me who was afraid of expressing emotions just because i was or because it was a flashback, some fear in my head of it...but he doesnt have a problem with me expressing stuff.

Even if we talk about stuff, he is so forgetful, that the same issues come up over an over again because he forgot what we talked about.
So even talking like adults doesnt help my anger be expressed, because its fine if we talk, but then later, the same thing / argument happens again. 
I do try to repress anger, and it seeps out at him.
So thats annoying jsut because it is.
I should order that punch bag i was thinking of getting.

I have anger towards him, but it should actually be at my mother...but i dont know *how* to be angry at her. The anger at her just isn't there, instead its at the triggers, and unfortunately a major trigger is my partner.

Perhaps if i let anger out about the triggers / people that trigger, the anger at my parents will come?
Then the sadness. Maybe i should stop trying to be sad when I'm not sad at all, and just be angry at what I'm actually angry about = the triggers.
Its just so hard to do that when living with someone, especially when the anger is at them.

That sucks- the argument, and i understand totally how it goes. Arguments are also filled with EFs for me too.
Yes, i dont like talking during them either.

I feel exactly the same way- and actually, this was one of the things we discussed during our heated disgussion last night-
about how he never sees me, never notices- he does sometimes, but i am distant from him for good reason, because it looks like he doesnt care, and that i am in this and everything else life throws at you, alone, as he cant see my moods.
He is like my parents in this respect.
Its hard for me to understand as i am also very perceptive too.

You are so right. I cant talk about it unless i feel safe and ready. And i dont feel safe or ready.

Oh yes, and he also tears down my defences too. Oh its the inner critic blah blah blah. I told him i hate him doing that, and that people have defences for a reason.
I find it intimidating and down right annoying to be psychologically read which he isn't too great at, but is like...oh your smoking because your upset...etc etc. and i just would rather be left alone.
I wanted to act like i wasnt bothered about the discussion we had (before the major one), but yes, i wanted him to go away. I just wanted to calm down and be in my own little world. Sometimes like today, i just want to be in an oblivion, devoid of senses, where i can rest (not suicidal) just sometimes, I'm so angry at EVERYTHING, that the world is just too much.

He doesnt understand why it bothers me so much that he doesnt see me, when i dont want to let him in. And it frustrated me that he didnt understand that.
Just because i dont want him to be like my unavailable parents, doesnt mean i will be able to trust at this stage to let him in.
And i also worry that he will fling anything vulnerable i tell him back in my face like my mum did.

I have heard that before, that anger is a cover up for sadness.
After reading that, I tried to cry but was so disassociated i couldn't.
Do you have any idea how i can access that pain underneath the anger?
I know its a long process. I just wish i could access it, and get it over with. I know i wont be wishing that if it came. I came close once and my mind wouldnt let me. But it wasnt to do with being angry at partner, it was something else.

Things have calmed down, but i am still mad, and very mad at him today. Not sure what makes it come in waves, i think it comes in waves.
I feel like i should treat myself as if I'm sick, and just curl up and read or watch smiting, so that he knows I'm not well in my head. I think I'm perfectly well, as this is a normal reaction to the past if thats what it is....and also the present...but you dont look ill if your angry, its not like I'm greiving and in bed all day.

Hope that wasnt too much writing. Don't know how to explain everything.
Thanks for reading.

and let me know how your doing too 

[KayFly]

Hey Indigo,

I'm glad that my post mad you feel like you had someone there.  That was my intention, and thank you for being here with me too.

You rightfully have every reason not to trust others from past trauma, or from what I can hear your mother installed in you. If you don't want to talk about something or you are not ready, your partner needs to respect that. Its a boundary.  The more he pushes to get it out of you, the more it seems you are resistant.  That prying may be triggering in itself.

When I said I got to a point that I couldn't pretend any longer, I meant that I felt if I was not allowing myself to truly show my emotion to myself or another, I was essentially lying to myself and my partner.  I still have a very hard time with this, but my goal is to be as authentic as possible. Though my partner makes me feel very safe, so I throw childish fits at times, and sometimes I don't want to talk about things (which usually means I do), but if I express that to him, he says "OK" and it's done. Because he respects my boundaries and needs. We in no way shape or form have a perfect relationship, we fight, and things blow up for us at times too, but we have a mutual respect for each others boundaries as much as we can.

BUT there are times where I feel gaurded, and almost like i am in the presence of past perpetrators because I am in an EF or whatever, while I am with my partner...so it's like...there's all this emotion I am trying to hide, but its not either of our fault. And eventually the feelings have to come out somehow..It just seems like the more I try to suppress the emotions, the weirder of a way it comes out..

As far as acessing those emotions, none of it can be forced, they come up when they are ready. But when they come up, allow yourself to feel them. Try not to suppress it. I'll do the same ( I don't like giving advice unless I am doing it myself )

Do you feel that you don't feel safe because you feel you're in your mothers presence?

It sounds like you may be struggling with intimacy, intellectual intimacy. You don't want to let him in. He is getting angry. Maybe that makes him feel rejected.

I really reccomend listening to Pia Mellody. She has free YouTube videos and an amazing book called "The Intimacy Factor"..

I'm not an expert at this stuff. I am just now starting to really understand where I came from and how it's effected me, and what to do about it now. But I know that feeling of like harboring anger and having no outlet, or not feeling safe to express it. It is toxic emotion when it's all held in like that.  I believe you and your partner can work out a way to constructively communicate what is coming up for you, without yelling or exploding. Those are the things that make us feel unsafe.

I feel like everything can be worked out in a conversation...but there has to be mutual respect.

I wish you lots of guidance, and many answers. This is such a tough journey, especially when you are in a relationship. But there are answers out there. And you are not alone. Problems like these arise for me as well.

I wish I could be of more help.  Way to be open and honest though. I applaud you for that. You will help many.

[Indigochild]

Hey KayFly

Thanks for saying about boundaries.
He has a way of making me feel guilty for not talking to him, he says things like, i need to know whats going on, if your not going to go al out and hide it and i can tell your in a mood, then you could at least tell me, then it would stop me worrying.
OMG- how effing wrong that is!!!!
Thank you for helping me to realise this.
We talked in the end last night, once i had found a way to say what i was trying to say, in a way that makes me look vulnerable, and i said he shouldnt pressure me into taking and just leave me alone, and he said he is glad he did, because it got results.
*.

I have felt really guilty for a long time about the fact that i didnt want to look vulnerable and i only realised this now writing this. There is nothing to feel bad about about that, as you said, its because of past traumas and my mum.
Being vulnerable or emotional wasnt tolerated. It wasnt allowed.

That is a good point to come to realise.
You want a partner who accepts your emotions, as they are important, and part of you.

Do you sometimes wish that your partner knows when you do want to talk= even though you say you dont?

We need to get boundries- he is no good at them either, so it makes sense that he would infringe upon mine.

Do you mind if i ask this?
Do you know its not your partner during those times you think its him but you are actually in an emotional flashback?
How do you know if that isn't just the way your partner is, how do you know that he isn't just like you parents / past abusers?
My partner has a hard time seeing that this emotion i have isn't my fault.
He thinks the anger coming out at him in little snippets is on purpose. It is just sooo hard to hold it in.

I hope you can feel your emotions when they come up.
Thanks for answering that question.

I dont feel like I'm in my mother's presence no, more my dads, she was the more dominant one, but last night, a comment he made reminded me of her.
He comes out and says that its not fair that i give him grief so hes gonna comment on something i did, that i normally comment on that he has done.
Its not ok no, and its what i do with my anger. Same with him. But he doest see that I'm trying to con roll it all the time, he looses sight of that.
Im just not sure he feels the same amount of absolute rage i do, well, the told me he doesnt but that last night, he just got angry.

Thanks a lot for the recommendation, i will have listen. Yes, i dont want to let him in yet am afraid of being alone.

I am glad your beginning to understand your past and how it effects you now. And i DO hope you know what to do with all of this stuff.

I believe too that we can communicate well, but its just that things are not followed through on his end. Hope fully we can sort this in time. It will take time.

I am sorry problems like this arise for you as well. I also hope you find your answers and guidance.

You are so lovely, and have helped a lot. The fact that you understand is a great help.
I do hope to help many. You are doing that.

Indigo 

[KayFly]

Hey Indigo,

Again I think you are right to guard your information or feelings at any given point and it is wrong for him to not respect your boundaries, when you are not in a position to tell him.  I wish my partner could read my mind sometimes, but I realized I have to use my words, even if it's "I don't want to talk about it." and immediately realize that I do want to talk about it.

However, on his end, I can see why he would want you to be open with him because he is striving for intimacy, and you have walls built up right now against that because of your hurtful past, rightfully so.

Do you want intimacy in your relationship and to move forward in the relationship?

Do you feel like you don't really want to be in the relationship, but your fear is keeping you in it?

Again, It is not your fault that you have not shown vulnerability, because obviously in the past, it wasn't safe for you to be vulnerable, so this is all a very natural and understanding process for you to be going through. Give yourself some props for trying to figure out this confusing puzzle.

Though you can learn to be vulnerable now, and know what safety is.  But you have to test the waters. I don't know your partner, or if its a safe situation intellectually, but I would say if your gut says its not safe, then get out because life is short and you deserve to be in a safe place.

I am good at deciphering when I am in an emotional flashback, or when it is something my partner is doing that is pissing me off.  I know that he is not like past abusers because I have an intimate connection with him that involves unconditional love, self care, respect, nurturing, boundaries, empathy and other things that would never have been involved with my Narcissistic mother, who actually lacks the ability to provide these things, or my Rage-aholic father who would do anything to keep me from telling the truth, etc...

I know because I feel it, and because I have taken the time to get to know him and test it out. But, that doesn't mean that trust doesn't come easy still.  Its a process. I didn't trust him, and still don't on certain levels, because my trust had been so betrayed, but I don't believe that I can't trust again. I'm just working on it.

Keep questioning and thinking critically. I believe you will find the awareness you are looking for.

[Dutch Uncle]

I really didnt want to write this one in the emotional flashbaks section, as I'm not sure this is an emotional flashback, but instead warranted anger.

I struggle myself with voicing anger, during my upbringing I was 'coached' into 'stuffing it'. So in a sense I could say I have 'anger-issues'.

One thing I have been learning over the past years though is that I can, and need to get away from the source that is bringing me the anger. And while that is a great tool in itself, I tend to do it all-the-time, which is not OK.
And so while I still struggle to express "warranted anger" (I love your term for that  ), I have learned I can say at some point "Back Off!", angrily. And I have experienced that in many cases this works. I might have to repeat it once or twice, with increasing anger and resolution in my voice and body-language, and then the other does back off. And I can stay put.

If not, I still have the option to walk away to get away from the source. But then with having had the benefit of at least having expressed and voiced my anger in the words "Back Off!", and I'm then better capable of leaving the anger at the spot I have just walked away from, I'm not carrying it with me. Or at least not in the amount I used to.

When I'm angry, and even more so when I express it, the adrenaline kicks in. I have learned to accept that to a large degree the physical sensation that is associated with anger (tense posture, tense muscles, hyperactivity) are just the natural product of adrenaline. And that it simply takes time for my body to take it out of my blood stream again. Which also produces physical 'symptoms' like shaking, tears, etc. This is again a purely physical, bio-chemist/hormonal process, and thus perfectly OK, it cannot happen any other way.

Being aware of that helps me to calm down faster, as I used to be caught in thought-processes like: "why do I need to cry? I'm such a wimp!" and other self-incriminating thoughts.
Likewise it can help me during the anger-building phase, as I notice me getting more tense, and more angry in a way, when they are not backing off when I tell them so. It's the adrenaline that is making me more strong, resilient. And I'm allowed to 'go-with-that'.

So, I'm trying to let my anger out more. Where I used to back-off myself at the slightest anger, I try now only to back off myself when I feel the urge coming up to throw things, destroy stuff or when I catch myself thinking: "If they don't back off now, I'll punch them in the face." (which might be a verbal punch  , i.e. calling them really nasty names, with the intent do deeply hurt them.)

But I'm only a pupil, a 'first-grader' in these things. 

[Indigochild]

Hi KayFly

I completley understand having to say how your feeling sometimes, i just wonder if my partner is blind to emotions in others like my parents were- either they didnt see, or they saw but couldnt come forward, and I'm not sure if this is him.
I think there is a basic level of awareness people have of others feelings, and he does notice sometimes, just the things he misses, and what the doesnt understand seems kind of dumb to me sometimes, he is so *either-or* in this thinking.

Good questions. I dont have a lot of feelings for him and my T thinks that that is because he betrayed my trust in the past numerous times, and a lot of it involved sex.
So i kind of turned my feelings off in order to deal with that and when he broke up with me, i trued my feelings of then too.
So when we go back together, I wondered if i was over him, because whilst it felt weird one time with another guy as i wasnt over partner, i didnt feel elated to be back with him when he took me back.

The fear does keep me in yes, and i can only know if we are a good match and i can only enjoy intimacy when i feel he has stopped letting me down over and over, when i can trust him, even to do housework, oh you did all the house, ill hoover later, but then he doesnt and this happens all the time.
Its hard to know if its your partner you want intimacy with when you dont know what its like to have unconditional intimacy that isn't ruined over and over.

I get the past effecting the now in terms of not allowing myself to be intimate, but i feel it is happening now- being mistreated etc. sometimes, even when i feel he is being useless and forgetful and it drives me mad (emotional flashback)...so maybe I'm right that it is happening now.

Thanks for the props. 

Testing the waters!! Why did i never think of that??
It definitely isn't safe for me to express emotion as he cant handle anger ,weather its at him or not. i cant leave as I'm too afraid to be alone and i hope we can overcome this.
I just cant do recovery work though if i cant express anger. Hopefully T will have some wise words on this ,,i can only ask.

Its great that you can look at your abusers and your partner and see differences between them.
My mother is undiagnosed narcisist I'm very sure of it.

I checked out the Spartanlifecoache's video you mentioned. Very good video and very explanatory.
It would be so much easier if i could say, oh god, these are all flashbacks about partner and my lack of trust is because of my past and thats my problem therefore HE is safe.
I cant do that though because i dont believe it to be true.

Thanks so much for reading and offering options etc and for answering my questions .

[Indigochild]

Hey Dutch Unkle

You have a way of writing things in all of your posts that i really love.

Im glad you like the warranted anger phrase.
Emotiona flashbacks are warranted anger if they are angry feelings...but what i meant was that sometimes, they are not appropriate for the situation, as in, it doesnt match up.
I think this matches up to the situation.
i think you may have known what i meant.

Have you watched Spartanlifecoaches video?
He explains in it about stuffing emotions, he it is if you havent watched it and if you want to talk a look:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZdbj1HCXAo

The same with me and my upbringing. I wasnt allowed to express anger or to ask questions as that was *talking back* in my mums world. Of course, typical narcosism, if it challenged her, she didnt like it.

Getting away from the source is a great idea, but of course cant be used all the time. I cant get away from my partner as we live together etc. but when things explode sometimes i just have to leave the house.

I like your idea of telling others to back off. Suck if they dont listen and you have to repeat yourself. Im sure you have tried to explain why you want them to go away, or have said it in a really nice way at times- that doesnt always work.

Your description of what happens when anger hits is really helpful. It is good to know its just physical symptoms. Maybe the reason I'm afraid of anger is ...well, because I'm afraid of all emotions, even happiness...but because I'm still not in an environment where it is ok to express it.
Its enough of an issue to be afraid of expressing anger due to the past, and trying to trust your partner when they say its ok to be angry, so i dont need right now in my life, a partner who is actually afraid of my anger. Even if i am not being verbally abuseive towards him, he still senses my anger and is not ok with it.

I could probably let myself be angry if i lived alone and bear in mind your description of the physical manifestation of anger.

I am glad its helped you with your self incriminating thoughts.
I tend to cry if angry sometimes, when i cant let the anger out and that frustrates me as i dont want to be vulnerable , even to myself, when what i feel is angry, crying instead is a way for it to come out i thought, when i cant actually let the anger out properly.

Your right, anger shows resilience, allows you to be so. It should be accepted.
Its self proteciton.

Thanks a lot for your import. I hope you have a way to release the anger that you have when you want to punch peoples faces in- maybe its all the same anger- but i mean, when you have physical urges to destroy, i hope you can let it out somehow.

[Indigochild]

I cant not do this any more.
I NEED to find a healthy way to deal with anger instead of stuffing it.
No good consequences have ever come from expressing anger, i was made to stuff it.
As am angry at partner, he will not ever empathise. How can he when he feels attached.
But we cant have a normal discussion about it, and if we do, he just keeps not keeping to his word.
I can not keep using nicotine to squash anger, i dont want to.
This feeling of rage is so uncomfortable to have inside, bubbling away under the sruface.
I tried just noticing it, remembering what Dutch Unkle said. It just wants to come out. Its like poison, and it seems to ruin others, but maybe that is in my head, that it ruins others, because they just cant accept that my anger is healthy.
It is healthy, if he keeps breaking promises.
Its all well and good thinking that i just need to let my anger come out, but i can't. and the fact that i cant yet again, makes me angry.
The fact that i cant, isn't just in my head either. It is proven that it never goes well, and i do try and be calm when i express something thats bothering me.
there is just no budge in him and it drives me up the wall.

Why do i have to act like a little girl, and stifle every dam thing.

Thanks for listening to my plain rant. Even though i have been let down and insulted - abandoned when i reached out for help before, i thought, well, I'm not asking for help, Im just talking. I put a cigarette out halfway through, as i know i dont want to do this, and my fear of what its doing to my insides made me stop, so this is a better outlet.

I have heard that anger is one of the harder parts of recovery...im not so sure, surely its all hard, but even harder when you get right down into greiving and feeling etc??
It is already difficult, and i feel i shouldnt say that, because its not the hardest stage and i am not in touch with my feelings, only anger.
I just wonder how I'm meant to move forward if i cant overcome the first hurdle.

anyway. rant over.

[KayFly]

Indigo,

I'm glad you are posting about your feelings. It may not feel like it, but just writing out all that you are going through here is an outlet in your anger.  I understand how hard anger can be to deal with.

I know what you mean, when it feels like your partner is unaware of certain emotional states of yours. I have gone through that too with my partner. Or I will think he is not saying the right thing. But the truth about my partner, is that trauma, and a bad childhood, is not in his realm of experience, so I can't expect him to understand. Also many of us with CPTSD have heightened emotional senses because we spent our traumatic childhoods observing people, as opposed to people who had good enough upbringings, where it just wasn't a thing.

If your partner had a good enough upbringing, this may not be in his realm of experience. If he had a bad upbringing, you may be triggering each other. It sounds like there are definitely some issues. I usually don't talk about my relationship outside of my relationship because it usually can be worked out between the two of us, but it sounds like you are in a situation, where only you can figure out what is best for you. And thats what I want to empower you to discover.  And i'm really sorry it's so painful at the moment. I'm with you.

Trust is one of the most important componants in a relationship. It sounds like he has betrayed your trust a lot and sometimes in relationships that can linger for a long time. But it sounds to me like right now it is especially difficult, and it is causing basically an emotional explosion. Your body might be trying to tell you, that you either need a different approach in the relationship, or you might need to leave. It's scary, but just try to listen to your body's needs.  Do you have someone you can go stay with for a couple days and just take a break? It sounds like you could use some space to just think.

I personally, since my partner and I live in a one bedroom, will just go in the other room and say " I need time for me " but like, if he can't respect that, and is not showing the ability to listen while you are setting boundaries, that is not a good sign.

It just sounds like it's troublesome right now. But you have to decide what is best for you and then act on it. We are all going to be here for you on OOTS, but do you have any other friends/people you can go talk to about this?

It's not fair that you are stuck in your own head with all this.  You need outlets.

I really understand not being able to tell the difference of...am I being triggered by something else or am I genuinely mad at this person?...it sounds like you got a lot of both going on right now..

And no problem for being here and all. Thank you for sharing and I really hope you figure out what is best for you and get some clarity on the situation.     You got this Indigo.

[Indigochild]

Hey KayFly

Thankyou for just being so lovely and for being here. Its so good that someones here.
I feel like an idiot writing. I just dont know what else to do.

I was writing as an outlet, although its not the same as other outlets.
Reading your reply helped me feel calmer.

Have you been through this whole anger thing? If so, are you still in it?

That is really interesting.
I never thought of it like that before:
But the truth about my partner, is that trauma, and a bad childhood, is not in his realm of experience, so I can't expect him to understand. Also many of us with CPTSD have heightened emotional senses because we spent our traumatic childhoods observing people, as opposed to people who had good enough upbringings, where it just wasn't a thing.

Maybe thats true. I knew that, about being hyper focused on your abusers...therefore you are able to read others more easily.
This is crazy, as i always thought i couldnt read people. This narcissist person i got involved with said i read others but in my own way, and i thought that my ability to do what had gotten better over time. But it was probably always that way, as i had to read parents at home.

I knew too that he just doesnt understand stuff, because maybe he did have a good enough upbringing, he has certainly never had to deal with the stuff i have had to deal with...so he doesnt understand, but when you say it like that, it makes more sense. You put into words what i sort of guessed.

I dont know how bad or not his up bringing was.
I think we are triggering each other to some extent, whatever his upbringing, he has problems accepting my anger.

Yes, you are right that trust is an issue. My T said this, and i never thought about that before she said it. It explained my lack of feeling towards him that has lasted since we last got back together.
I still feel that he is betraying my trust, weather thats true or not, we cant progress if i feel that way.
I watched videos by Lisa A Romano and she said about listening to your body and what tis truing to tell you. This is terrifying. What scares me is that i try to change him al the time, and it shouldnt be that way.
He has the right to be how he wants, but when its unfair to me, i cant stand it.
But never being able to control the situation at home as a child, so it scares me that i cant change things here.
It is scary that we might not work out.

I know his forgetfulness might be a symptom of something, who knows, but it is so annoying to me right now, it makes me rage...i know i just need to wait to see how things go, but i need outlets for this anger towards him.
Knowing that i just need to wait as he is in therapy is great, but doesnt help the anger.
He is in therapy, but she seems from what he's told me , to be saying that he is fine, and that he is in a challenging situation living with me.
I thoght therapists can see through one sidedness, but he told me what he would talk about with her and he had gotten the whole story about what i thought and felt and what i wanted etc. totally wrong.

I have tried the tough love approach and also the softly softly approach and nothing seems to work.
I guess i could stay with someone for a bit. They said i could. A friend i got back in contact with a week or so ago. I just dont want that to be triggering either, but i guess its time for me, so i need to say to them what i want to do.
We have had breaks before, few, but breaks and i always went back.
I always thought, oh well, its me, and last time, i thought and said to him that i need to deal with my anger and see whats underneath it, only as i discovered, i cant do this alone, and I'm a freeze type, only i didnt know then, i mean its hard to see underneath and tolerate feelings anyway, but disasociating when i come near doesnt help at all.

He never used to accept that i need space, or that i left the house to cool off, but i think he would be ok with it now- saying i need space.

I will talk to my T abut this. I had to choose a topic from my huge list of things to work on, and ive chosen anger. Anger comes first and always has. How lucky i am to be in T.

Knottiness ever said that before:
*It's not fair that you are stuck in your own head with all this.  You need outlets*.
The woman with undiagnosed NPD said i need outlets, and told me some pretty awful stuff, she didnt help at all, we got quite close and i believe she spiritually abused me.
She never said that it was unfair, she just blamed me, never encouraged me to recover, just get rid of my anger and be nice to partner which i try to do which is why i try to hold anger in partly.

Thats what T said
I really understand not being able to tell the difference of...am I being triggered by something else or am I genuinely mad at this person?...it sounds like you got a lot of both going on right now..

Thank you so much for everything.

[Dutch Uncle]

I was skimming over some old bookmarks I took at OOTF (in search of something different altogether) and I came across this thread:
http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=45492.msg412331#msg412331

It might be of help to you.
I'm not really an expert on expressing anger with somebody I live with. 

[KayFly]

Indigo,

I'm glad that you are finding some of what I am saying helpful. I went nuts when I got into a healthy relationship because I was so triggered from all my past abusive relationships (especially from growing up with my father). I also went through times, and still do go through times where I have repressed anger, but the thing is, as much as you need to express it, you can't yell, scream, or anything like that because it can be harmful. So you gotta be like a Jedi and like find some super smooth way to get your point across.

If he is not being fair, you have the right to say "you are not being fair" and such. Maybe there is a way you two could be in therapy together? And maybe get some of that anger out? I feel like if you don't like explain it to him, at least, it's going to eventually explode in some weird way. Communication is also key in the relationship.

Sometimes if I am really pissed at my partner, I can't even get a grip on why I am mad, or what to say, so I have to take a little time for myself, before I can recollect, understand why I was upset, and then explain myself, while not violating his boundaries (not shouting, etc)

Being in a relationship with someone who does not understand the realm of your experience is very hard, but someone who is treating you unfairly is much worse. 

I'm sorry you had that experience with the lady with NPD. She sounds psycho. They have ways of spiritually screwing with you for sure. It's good you can tell the difference between her abuse, and my good intentions. That goes to show you have some clarity. But also that some things take time to get clarity on.

I don't know what else to say about the relationship for you since it's so important for you to figure out for yourself, but I want to empower you to do the best thing for you, scream into a pillow, look up ways to release anger in a healthy way, let yourself cry, let him know how you feel, take space. Just take care of yourself no matter what.  I'm always happy to be here when you need to talk.

Feel better!

[Indigochild]

Hellooo

Just a quickie to say that i expressed anger this morning. The anger was at partner.
Weather i over reacted due to stress or not- because he triggered, this time I'm not sure if it was his fault, but his reactions are not the most sensitive at times.
I managed to hold in the rage, and went upstairs. I shut the bedroom door, and he walked in with out knocking.
He left the house as normal but I didnt go with him. I knew i had to let it all out. I tried stuffing it.
I think I'm getting physically ill from stress, and from stuffing anger all the time.
I was afraid to let the anger out, i dont like feeling out of control.
I took some cushions (T recommendation) and pounded on them and screamed into them.
Then i just couldnt stop crying and crying. Sobbing and shaking. That hasn't happened for a while.
I cried for the fact that I feel so unsafe in my own home, just like i did living with my parents.
I cried for the fact that my partner is unfortunately in tolerant for his own reasons of emotions, especially anger, just like my parents where.
Then i disassociated. My body still had more tears to expel, but my mind wouldnt let it.
But I'm proud of myself for taking the first step to trying to healthily express anger when i was afraid of doing it.
I just cant do this when he is in the house which is annoying.
I realised that what Im afraid of in expressing anger, is him physically restraining me, like he has done twice before.
Its scary, and i also dont want him to end up squeezing my sore (possibly inflamed) stomach.
I dont feel safe here. And i feel like i need to get out for a while. Just everythings so triggering, in and out of the house.
If i were depressed, it would make more sense. Then not getting up at all would feel better perhaps, but i do not wish to feel depressed, I just need a hide away but I'm too energetic to stay in bed all day.

Thanks for reading. I do feel alone at the moment, and this is a good outlet.