Getting Dressed in the Morning

[tired]

well put onyx

my default is to play roles and do what people want.  lately i have given up on that strategy and i've also been dressing very simply.  my kids are growing up and i'm giving them and their friends all of the clothes i like to call costumes. 

i'm focusing on clothes for function because i feel like i am at a crisis point where i have to learn to function.  no one out there is going to help me, no matter how much they are attracted to my appearance.  i also feel like people can actually see through my act.  the only people who seem to be attracted to me when i'm trying to be attractive are narcissists and toxic people. 

i am 48 and have zero interest in looking any particular way, other than maybe having a look that calms people.  i'm trying to be a fitness trainer with a calmer more thoughtful approach and i want to offer an alternative to what's already out there. 

my biggest problem is that everything feels uncomfortable to me and my usual work clothes, although simple, feel restrictive. i wear the same thing every day if i'm working with a client or going to the gym; black pants, colored tank top and black jacket.  i have three pairs of ok pants (if i don't have time to do laundry i grab a wet wipe and touch it up), and a bunch of tank tops from target in different colors and if they aren't super clean the jacket sort of covers it.  my socks don't matter once i get my shoes on. there have been days when i can't find socks so i just don't wear them.

i have a set of comforting clothes that i wear at  home and sometimes for a quick trip to the store.  when i'm depressed and not motivated moving is hard. bending over to find a pair of socks on the floor is hard.  i'm lucky if i can manage to find my favorite sweatpants.  if i find those, i know a shirt won't be too hard and if i don't find one i just wear a jacket without a shirt.  then i find some type of sock for my feet. matching or not.  if it's cold i'm lucky because i can wear a coat and boots and cover it all up, and then i can go to the store and at least buy food which is useful.

[KayFly]

I'm glad that this post was helpful for so many and continued on. I have realized that this problem, for me has been rooted in that unrealistic expectation to be perfect, look perfect, act perfect...see what I am saying? It's slowly getting better for me and I am realizing that the way I look, although can be good for self esteem, if dressed nicely, is not what is important. What is important is how I feel.

I also noticed that when I have this trouble around clothing, I am usually in an EF and once I can recognize that, I can feel better. All the best.

[AgandFe]

I've found I have a very similar problem.

My first ex (who was sadistically abusive) and the second ex I married later and divorced (emotionally abusive) both liked to focus on my looks a great deal. If I didn't look good enough or perfect enough, I would be put down (by the sadist in particular). If I put effort into looking perfect, I was accused (by both exes) of trying to 'get some attention', make them look bad in comparison, or I was outright told "you look like a whore".

When I get dressed these days (free of both of them, thankfully), I'm hyper-aware of having to look good enough, but not "too" good, or I have the feeling something terrible will happen, just a sense of free-floating doom that makes me nervous all day.

[coda]

I'm hyper-aware of having to look good enough, but not "too" good, or I have the feeling something terrible will happen, just a sense of free-floating doom that makes me nervous all day.

Oh what a great point, AgandFe, and one I'd almost forgotten. The flip side of not lookiing "right" somehow was looking "too" good, which meant being a show off, being vain, shallow or attention seeking. There was no winning when you're raised by, or living with, people whose whole objective was to find fault; who saw both your failures and your successes as personal affronts to their supremacy. Jealousy, insecurity, even a natural sadism all played a part, but trying to please them or rationalize their abuse just perpetuated it. That lingering sense of doom you mention is something I know so well...that little ghost, a pale remnant of the fears that were once second nature.

[AgandFe]

Very eloquently put, Coda.

Living with someone like that is like being forced into a game that is literally impossible to win. You can never look right unless they can somehow take credit for you looking right. Both exes loved to correct me, they lived for it. Of course now when someone corrects me at work, I feel my hackles rise, and I start having EF.

The only time I dressed "correctly" was when I let them dress and arrange me, like a doll. It was just sick. Both exes liked to control everything about my appearance from my clothing to hair cut and color, to the make up I wore. I got a short haircut without 'permission' from the sadist, once. Needless to say I paid for it.