Finding my home

[findingmyhome]

Hello I heard about this site on OOTF.  This site has so much to help me at this stage in my journey.

I am "findingmyhome" on OOTF too.

My story is much like anyone's here we might switch the players around but the dynamics are the same.

My abuser is my PDsis.  My parents passively encouraged the abuse.  I thought my mom was the terror while my dad stood in the background but that was FOG thinking.  My dad stuck around and he is (was) just as mentally off as the rest of us. 

My FOO tendency is to favor the opposite sex and compete with members of our sex.  I pointed this out to sis who denied it (of course) all the while she will complain about mom, grandma, and other females and worship the males.  Neither of us have women friends we are the types that wives hate (I hope that is a past tense for me).  Ironically both of us are married.  Her husband must stay under her thumb while she critizises other women for asking her to stay away from their husbands.

Coming OOTF I see so much PD in the FOO males too.  Subtle manipulative darkness.  I was so blind to this for so many years. 

Ugh.  Now when I see the FOO women flock around grandpa's tall proud egotistcal self I want to puke.   He even calls us "his girls". 

Nobody is innocent in my FOO.  Only my now gone grandma tried to break through this craziness and of course she is still the Bad Person even after being dead for over a decade.  She was willing to take the blame and oh how they shovel it on her. 

I tried to connect with extended FOO taking the blame and wow what a load I had to carry. 

I am now NC with all FOO. It is so much easier to find my real self, my home, and grow up the right way. 

Thank you to the people who help keep these sites going and who come here to share.   

[spryte]

findingmyhome - welcome!

It's tough once we wake up and look around with clear eyes...it's like everyone around us has taken the crazy drugs. Sometimes it's just easier to go NC to get our heads straight and heal ourselves since they refuse to be rational.

I hope you find lots of healing here!

[findingmyhome]

Thank you both for your kind loving welcomes..   


This journey is difficult but rewarding.  We just moved across country which helps clear the air physically but they still live in my mind. 

The more I clear the air the more I see how "I" am my worst enemy!  I do not need my toxic sister I am perfectly able to abuse myself, thank you.

I am also finding a place of compassion in my heart for my FOO (distance helps I am sure!).  I see how they are victims of abuse and had to pass it on to survive.

I am glad to be here because I spent a few years so angry at them and wasting so much of ME ranting and raving about the injustice of it all.  I lost so much sleep and probably many years of my life.   Not to mention the decades in the FOG when I believed I was the Bad Person and the reason for all that is wrong in the world.

I no longer struggle with showing how Good I am to others.  I am slowly accepting ME as I am.  I am okay. I am lovable because I am ME.

Then I feel self-centered for writing this post.  Ah it is wonderful being the SG.   

[spryte]

Haha...the last few years I've had such a negative knee-jerk reaction towards a lot of the Eastern spiritual stuff that I come across (which is more the way I lean, spiritually) that talks about reducing the ego...that the ego is bad, this and that.

And maybe for most people it is...I know a lot of self-centered people for whom the entire universe revolves around them...

...but for those of us coming at it from the other side of the fence, we have to build our ego UP. We have to strengthen it, and accept that healthy ego is good for us, AND it's self-protective, because it isn't until we accept ourselves and love ourselves that we can start to build healthy boundaries, the foundation of which says: "I deserve better. I am worthy of better treatment."

So, yeah...I get the self-centered feeling. It's hard to tackle, but it can be done!

[Kizzie]

Thank you both for your kind loving welcomes..   

This journey is difficult but rewarding.  We just moved across country which helps clear the air physically but they still live in my mind. 

The more I clear the air the more I see how "I" am my worst enemy!  I do not need my toxic sister I am perfectly able to abuse myself, thank you.

I am also finding a place of compassion in my heart for my FOO (distance helps I am sure!).  I see how they are victims of abuse and had to pass it on to survive.

I am glad to be here because I spent a few years so angry at them and wasting so much of ME ranting and raving about the injustice of it all.  I lost so much sleep and probably many years of my life.   Not to mention the decades in the FOG when I believed I was the Bad Person and the reason for all that is wrong in the world.

I no longer struggle with showing how Good I am to others.  I am slowly accepting ME as I am.  I am okay. I am lovable because I am ME.

Then I feel self-centered for writing this post.  Ah it is wonderful being the SG.   

Welcome findingmyhome from one SC to another     I could have written your post lol.   We just moved across the country last Sep in (large) part because we wanted to get away from PD FOO including their flying monkeys (FMs).  I am LC with my NPDM and NC with the rest and it has done wonders.  It's that "I can breath easier" and find out who I am because I'm not caught up in all the FOGging on a daily basis. I have the time and energy to --as you suggest -- find my way home to me, who I really am underneath all the Inner Critic (who tells us that we are being self-centred when we post someting - gasp, gasp - about ourselves  ), and other PD legacy stuff.

It sounds like you're well on your way to recovery, especially finding some compassion for your FOO (and you're so right, distance really helps with that!), and for yourself more importantly That can take a long while, but as you say it's good to get to that point because it does free up psychic energy to focus on ourselves and recovering from CPTSD.   

Again, welcome and glad you found your way here!