Hello

[Mike M]

I joined this site because my wife suffers from CPTSD, and I'm trying to do all that I can to help her. CPTSD has taken a toll on our relationship, and I feel there are things I can do better or differently to get more out of our lives together. She has been in therapy for a few years, and I just started therapy to work on me and hopefully that can help us as a couple.

[KayFly]

Hello,

I suffer from CPTSD and I have been together with my boyfriend for about a year, who has had a tremendous time trying to deal with everything with me.  I am encouraging him, and will encourage you to read this book: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker.  He explains it for everyone to read.  Maybe it could help give you some insight on what she is going through, and if you are addressing some of your own things, it may be resourceful for anything you've suffered as well.  I really appreciate that you are there for her and are taking steps to be there for her, and yourself as much as you can.

I have to say, with my boyfriend, it's been rough, as I have been addressing everything since we got together, and sometimes I don't show it, but the thing I appreciate most, is that he has just been there for me through all of it.  Just being there has meant everything, even if he doesn't know anything to say but, "I'm sorry", or "You really didn't deserve that"...He is doing the best he can, which is all any of us can do.  You're awesome.

[C.]

Hello and welcome Mike M.  I think it's very encouraging that you and your wife are both seeking therapy and so active in your healing.  It sounds to me like you are doing exactly what's needed.  You are asking questions about what to do to help, seeking therapy for yourself and as a couple, learning about CPTSD, and have joined this forum.

As a person with CPTSD and in my experience with relationships there are a few things that I've noticed helped me a lot when my partner did them.  You might already know these ideas and they are just a few.  I'm sure other members have ideas to add.  Here's what I found helped for me.

1.  Both of you learn about adult attachment styles.  There's a lot on the web but in summary the styles are Anxious, Healthy and Distant.  That can help you both understand the emotions you experience related to your relationship.

2.  Find out her triggers related to you and work together to find solutions.  You might already be doing this, but I'll give you and example.  For a couple of months my BF always responded to my text messages within a couple of hours when he wasn't working.  One evening he did not.  It sent me in a tail spin.  I was convinced our relationship was over.  I felt extreme pain.  I coped by walking, watching some helpful shows and things like that, but it was very unpleasant for me.  When we talked a couple of days later he was puzzled that the lack of a response had been so stressful for me.  He said that he had been with a family member(out of cell range), and then very tired when he got home from a 10 hour work day.  But when he found out how stressful that had been for me he agreed to respond sooner, even with a simple I'm busy or I'm tired.  And I worked on not freaking out haha  He followed through with his promise and that helped a lot.

3.  Everything KayFly says is great.  People w/CPTSD usually have extreme anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.  So anything that you do to express complete trust and acceptance in her will, I think, be very helpful.

4.  Keep doing what you're doing by seeking out help and support, healing for yourself and as a couple, and asking questions.

I wish you the best as you both work to help yourselves and your relationship.

[Mike M]

Thank you for the support and suggestions. I will get the Pete Walker book, and continue to read the forums for more education about this difficult process.

[Lifecrafting]

Hi Mike M

I'm new here myself. Welcome!

I just want to tell you how great it is for me to see you here in support of your wife and caring for yourself as well.
That's just so....like Kayfly said, AWESOME!

[Indigochild]

Hi Mike N

How wonderful that you want to support your wife!!  What a guy!
Congratulations to you for being in therapy! Very brave.
I know that with both sides trying to fix things, it will in the end, take strain of the relationship.
It may help you to understand each other even more, if you are both on a similar page, with out blame.
There are reasons you are both attracted to each other, and sometimes, it has a lot to do with your childhoods.

I would not blame yourself for everything. Both peoples issues come into pay in relationships and its know ones fault.

Hope you find the forum helpful. 

[Mike M]

Thank you, Indigochild, for your supporting words. I realize that it is going to be a long road to fixing our relationship, but as i have stated before, I am committed to her and I hope she will understand how much I truly do love her. We have a lot of issues to work through.

This forum has been very encouraging and insightful. I can't thank all of you who have responded and supported me.

I'm very grateful.

[Indigochild]

No problem Mike M.

I forgot to add, that you must look after yourself. You and your recovery are very important.

I do hope you are recovering for yourself and not just for the relationship, as thats incredibly important for you.