Telling others about C-PTSD

[Dyess]

Maybe in time CPTSD will become more well known , of course it may get the same response as Fibromyalgia gets, it's not real and a diagnosis to cover about anything. So, now if I tell someone it will just be a partial truth, I say I have anxiety issues. That seems to be understood by most, don't scare the * out of them, and is something I think most can relate to.
When I returned to work I told my supervisor that I had CPTSD and some coworkers. I wanted them to know because I knew I had changed and I wanted them to know why, or to be prepared. Well that didn't work out well. A group of bitchy nurses verbally attacked me for not helping them more when I was covering  an area where 4 people usually work by myself. When confronted by the Manager I fell apart. None of the complaints were justified but it's the point that they did that, knowing I had just come back from medical leave. I feel pretty sure they knew why I was out. So telling co workers may not be a good idea. I wish I had not told them and trusted that they would understand.

[Pieces]

Lot of posts in this topics that I could've written myself, lot of recognizing. I've never and can't really see myself ever talking about this with anyone, it's too much of a danger zone. I don't know how and if I could handle a reaction, positive or negative, because it's such a triggering topic. Also, I don't want to be confronted with it afterwards and there's no guarantee that won't happen.

I think that when I've healed more and it's not so much of a difficult topic for me I'll be able to talk about it more, of maybe just talk about myself more easily with others. When I think of me it's almost all CPTSD/symptoms,and a past I can't bring into words, not to easiest way to start a conversation.

[Dutch Uncle]

I think that when I've healed more and it's not so much of a difficult topic for me I'll be able to talk about it more, of maybe just talk about myself more easily with others.

At times I imagine myself after I'm healed, I'll be sitting with colleagues at an outdoor terrace and I'll say in passing: "Oh, yes. Depression. I had that twice. Long time ago. I got better." and I'll pass on elaborating.
Thinking/imagining that gives me a big smile on my face.
It's one of the things that keeps me going.

Perhaps I'll only say it in my mind and my colleagues will go: "What's that smirk on your face, Uncle?" and I'll answer: "Oh nothing. An inner pleasure.  "

It'll take a while yet to get there...

[Jewel]

I recently came to a decision about telling others about CPTSD.  That decision was simply NOT to do it anymore.  I'm quite self-aware and very expressive, and I've found that even when explaining it thoroughly, people just don't get it.  Even many therapists don't get it.  It took me three therapists to find one who understood the ramifications of early childhood trauma.

I stopped telling people because (1) It infuriated me to not be believed (i.e., my abuse wasn't "bad enough" for them to accept that I have CPTSD), (2) I got tired of others' expectations to "just get over it already," because the abuse happened so many years ago, and (3) I found a couple of people have subsequently started treating me differently, like "damaged goods."  (One even threw bits of info in my face in an attempt to shame me--I've since ended all contact with her.) 

For me, I've simply come to conclude that unless an individual has experienced deep trauma or is a therapist trained in trauma and who's worked with trauma patients, people just don't get it.  And I'm not wasting my energy "enlightening" them.  I've had to spend far too much energy just to stay in life, so I can't afford to waste my time or energy educating people.  My younger sister, who didn't experience the abuse of older siblings that I did, says she's supportive.  But she hasn't done a minute's research to try to understand it.  So I've stopped discussing it with her, too.

For all those reasons, I'm REALLY glad for this forum.  For the first time in my 53 years, I feel like there are folks who REALLY GET what CPTSD is. 

Peace. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Jewel, 

I relate to a lot you've said.
It's important to be careful whom to tell what. It's so easy to get invalidated by people who just don't 'get it'. And in a sense: How could they? You wrote: "I've simply come to conclude that unless an individual has experienced deep trauma or is a therapist" [they can't understand]. So true.

Recently I've taken a sentence at heart by someone who is in a much different situation than me, yet is in a situation many people don't understand either for not 'living in/through it": "Keep it safe, keep it secret." That helps. It's not to say to keep it all stuffed up inside and be forever silent, but for me it's: "Be careful whom you share your secret with. Only with those who can keep it safe as well. There are many situations/people with whom it's better to keep it a secret, in order for me to keep safe."

For all those reasons, I'm REALLY glad for this forum.  For the first time in my 53 years, I feel like there are folks who REALLY GET what CPTSD is. 

Peace.

I want to take the opportunity to say: Welcome! And I'm happy you found and joined us.

I wish you peace as well.

[Oakridge]

I have been thinking about this conversation quite a bit, but I have not been clear about what i wanted to write. In the last year, I finally was diagnosed with CPTSD after 5 decades of misdiagnoses that ultimately led to treatment plans that did not get at the heart of my issues. So a sense of failure in 'fixing' my emotional problems was constant. When i finally found the literature on CPTSD, it was like taking a deep breath and realizing i now understand what i am facing. I did decide early during this first year to let folks/family know when appropriate that I finally was diagnosed correctly and what i was attempting to accomplish with a more comprehensive approach to treatment. Not only did i do this to educate those in my life about what i was facing, but to also to have them understand the challenge ahead for me and for  them to know some of more negative behaviors they may witness that are typically a part of this condition and opening up old memories. For the most part this has been good. The biggest issue i have faced is that they truly don't get how challenging it is and how comprehensive the therapy effort needs to be to make any progress. Instead, they often comment that if i just did this or that, i would be better, such as stop alcohol, take medications to deal with the symptoms, live life in a certain way, eat in certain ways, etc. These comments are always made out of concern for me, which is lovely. But now, I often spend a lot of time continually educating them and myself i guess that there doesn't seem to be any simple answer, just a diligent, comprehensive approach to therapy that may have many setbacks in addition to many successes. Sadly, this continuing education i usually have to do during a bad setback, as I try to have them better understand that i am not screwing up even though it looks like i am. This is a difficult thing to do when i am in a major setback.

[Dutch Uncle]

Today my 'daily quotes' site came up with one that applies to this thread, IMHO.

Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care. The rest just want to have something to gossip about. author unknown

It's a bit sad, but true.
And regardless of this, we sometimes may need to take the chance and either be disappointed or pleasantly surprised. Yet it's important, in my experience, not to take chances too soon.

[Dark Knight]

I shared some of my experiences with a couple of former roommates (Married) about 10 years ago. I really liked and trusted them, but they would share these glances and smirks with each other which I interpreted as they've spent time talking about me to each other and they think I'm making up stories.

I never attempted to tell another person after them.

[Dutch Uncle]

I never attempted to tell another person after them.

I can relate. Not with CPTSD, but when I told my sister about suicide-threats of an ex-girlfriend of mine. She basically told me I was responsible for them. I never told anybody else about it for many, many years after. 

I want to take the opportunity to say: "Welcome to the forum, Dark Knight"
I hope and wish you'll find the community here a place where you can share your experiences with CPTSD in safety.
Our Guidelines for All Members and Guests are here to ensure  this a safe environment for you and will give you an idea of the community we create with each other.

[Dutch Uncle]

I have a story/experience to share that touches on this subject, I think. I only made the connection today, so I'm curious if you folks can follow my train of thought.

***possible triggers on war related trauma and violence***




Last weekend I was on a party with dear friends. Great.
At one point I was talking with a guy, and I told him how I had thought of giving aid/support to the many Syrian Refugees who nowadays have found shelter in the EU (and elsewhere). I know the region, have worked there for 15 years (on and of) and have seen little boys growing into men (girls not so much, since I'm a man and it's the middle-east after all). I told this friend I couldn't do it, as the mere thought of meeting these refugees made me literally cry at my table.
The war directly hits my heart, apparently, and with good reason. To a considerable extend it's my 'country' that is being bombed to pieces, and it's my 'folks' who get slaughtered. I'm attached to it. Engaged. Enmeshed even.

Friend didn't 'get it'. I tried to explain once more, making clear it was just my experience, that already just the thought of meeting these refugees made me cry, so why would I bother to (re-)traumatize me?
Then something interesting happened, of which I only found the missing pieces of the puzzle the next day.

He told me I was a very "Black and White" thinker, and he was more of the "grey-area". Thumping-Thumping. Doesn't my chest make a great sound, you lowly narrow-minded person? was the impression I got at the time. With "don't absorb, but observe" in mind I let it go. I had made my point (which was nothing more than a personal experience, I was not saying nobody should go to these refugee-shelters, just that I couldn't do it) so let him have his say. He rattled on a bit, and then dropped it. (presumably since I didn't "bite")

I was taken aback a bit by the fact that my experience was labeled "black and white thinking", and only the next day, when I recalled this conversation I started to put it in perspective.

My friend's perspective is that of the "outsider". He probably has never spend a day of his life in the region, nor in any other region that since has been torn apart by war.
I on the other hand have spend a full 30+ months there. And know people there whom I have lived with, 24 hours a day, for weeks on end, and then the next year again, and again etc.
That's quite a different perspective.

And I realized that on a scale of 0 (white) to 10 (black), he sees from about 0 (white) to 2 (black).
Yet I see from 0 (white) to 7, or 8, or possibly close to 10 even. That's my "black".

So his 2 (black) is quite a pale grey to me. And what I'm telling him might well be my 5 (grey), but since he cannot see past 2 (and who can blame him, he's never been there, how can he have this perspective? It's through no fault of his own ! ) that's the darkest black he has ever seen. "Good Grief, that Dutch Uncle is a very Deep, Utter Dark-Thinker, the like I've never seen before!"

I'm happy my recovery has taken me this far already. I think previously I might have "Fawned", or picked a Fight, or Fled or Froze. He's a good friend and will remain so.
Possibly at some point I'll tell him about this. Maybe not.
Time will tell.
This is not that important to our relationship.
Our mutual relationship is important.

I love the guy. At least he has a perspective. And tells me upfront.
I fancy that.
I've known worse.

Hence my signature line: "I love straightforward people. The lack of drama makes life so much easier."