Dissociation

[KayFly]

I think I responded to this thread before saying something like. "I didn't think it was that big of a deal to dissociate" after talking with my T about it.  I guess her calmness made me realize, my problem was more with like, concentration while driving and such, and not so much dissociating.

I feel like I actually have a hard time recognizing when I am disassociating, and sometimes it really isn't disassociating, and it is day dreaming, which i believe we could be more apt to experiencing indefinitely. But there is a difference. I disassociated a lot as a child to protect myself from traumatic events as a defense mechanism. And I disassociate as an adult, sometimes, when my brain is trying to face the trauma, but I am to scared to fall back into that state of mind.

For anyone who may be freaked out a bit by disassociation, I had a really bad like hour long episode of releasing, crying, screaming, and after, I realized I went into an intense EF of being small and hurt, and I dissociated, and I KNEW it. And it was really really scary. It was like, I couldn't understand that I was on the ground.

BUT there have been times where i have disassociated and it hasn't been as scary...It was actually peaceful, and like I had outer body experiences that I was okay with.

It Just depends on what you are dealing with at the time I suppose. I can see how it can be very scary though. I called a crisis line that night. The lady told me to take my anxiety medication, take a shower, and have my boyfriend rub my shoulders to help me calm.

What I learned from that experience, is to stay ahead of my anxiety, and not let it get so bad to where I am disassociating.  So if I feel some intense stuff coming up, but i have work or school or something I need to stay on top of, I gotta take my medications, or if I am home, I gotta take a bath or shower to stay calm, self sooth. Staying ahead of my anxiety to prevent disassociation is what I learned.

But everyone is different. I dunno.  Just my 2 cents.

[Dyess]

Bluebird, all dissociation is not bad depends on where you are and what you are doing. Sometimes the intensity of the event will be stronger and harder to get back from.  I want to stop dissociating because of the time expense. My time during the event and then afterwards I feel so drained that I don't want to do anything else. Plus I don't like that foggy not in control feeling, especially when driving, or having one while around other people, it causes great concern for them and I don't want that type of attention.
Also I don't want to have them during a T session. I pay good money to go sit and talk with her, I don't want to daydream that time away. Now at home it not as big of deal, it's usually light and short lived. But if I had been at work and experienced this ...that would be bad.

[Dyess]

Hi KayFly that's what I'm working on now, trying to stay ahead of the anxiety and ward off the dissociation. Keep you on your toes trying to do that. It's the hardest while in a T session. I have a small rock that is special to me. I'm going to start taking that with me to a T session to try to stay grounded. I've found that physical grounding works better than a verbal or emotional grounding.

[KayFly]

Hey Trace. 

Glad you are moving forward and finding what helps. A rock is a great idea. I love when I come across a beautiful stone, or shell on the beach. I have a few grounding things like that.

Best,

K

[Dyess]

Kayfly the rocks, I took more than one, were actually good. I held them and moved them around in my hands constantly while talking to the T, no dissociation events this day. That is good. Glad to have found something, this simple, that helps with that. I hope it continues and that it wasn't just a fluke. Anything is worth a try, right?

[KayFly]

That's Awesome Trace...

The littlest things can be so therapeutically valuable

[Dyess]

Indeed, it's so rare to find something positive in this process, have to at least smile you find something like this.

[Kizzie]

That's such a simple and yet elegant idea Trace, your fingers are full of nerves so it would be a really tactile way of grounding yourself. 

Once a T gave me a teddy bear to hold while I was recounting something particularly painful and while I felt a little silly, I remember how wonderful his fuzzy fur felt and how soft he was so it kept me in the moment and certainly made my IC feel safer.

[arpy1]

i don't really understand what dissociating is. it seems like this big complicated confusing concept that i can't properly grasp. i think i do, but then it slides away.

My T has said i do it, and i guess having someone living in my head with me for years is what she means, and the fact that she very rightly says i don't know how to differentiate my feelings, they all end up feeling like fear or anger... so i must be getting something wrong somewhere.

thing is, i don't know any other way to be. and since i became a hermit crab, this last little while, and totally hid myself away, i understand even less. becos to hide feels at least a bit more comfortable and safe, and as long as no one comes near me i cld stay like this forever.. except, and this is happening more and more lately, when the screaming sobbing woman in my head gets out and i am in danger of losing control of her.  then i know i need to do something about it, big time.

what am i not getting? is it that i don't know what it's like to not dissociate? or that i'm actually not doing it?

i don't have any template to work from, no frame of reference.  if my T is correct about me perhaps i should be asking what does it mean to not dissociate?  it's all so unclear. has any one got any ideas that could help me understand, please? are there any resources at the kind of 'For Dummies' level that i could get hold of?

[stillhere]

Arpy1,

Dissociation was first described to me as detachment from oneself.  So to dissociate is to separate one part of the self from another and to distance oneself from at least one of the parts. 

But how do you know you're dissociating?  One way (I was told) is by identifying behaviors, everything from daydreaming to use of substances that accomplish some sort of detachment.  If you're doing it, you have it.

I think one problem, for people with CPTSD, is that dissociation is almost a way of life.  It's the only way to continue on.  To recognize the totality of abuse is otherwise overwhelming. 

Another problem is that "official" definitions of dissociation are rather abstract and encompass responses like dissociative identity disorder (DID), which can involve multiple personalities and long periods of amnesia.  In other words, the spectrum is so wide, that it's hard to know what qualifies.

I sometimes think of dissociation as a kind of fragmentation.  When in fragments, I can attend to only some of the pieces at any given time, so I don't "associate" with all of them.  I suppose then the goal is integration, putting the pieces back together.

[Dyess]

Kizzie that was such a sweet gesture for the T to give you the bear. I'm sure that was comforting. The rocks I use came from a special place in the Inter Coastal Waterway (ICW) there's this island that has all the smooth pebbles of different shapes and colors. They look like gemstones in the water. I love that place. So they work for me.

Arpy, I think dissociation is a time out from what's going on in your head, or at least that is how it feels to me. A protection from overload of thoughts. I don't know I'm dissociating until I am well into it, then it seems to be comfortable there, the grounding of having something in my hands (like my rocks) helps me come back. When I'm not dissociating thoughts are clearer, faster, more on edge. I too have become a hermit of sorts. But the best thing for you to do is talk to your T about this. I don't think there's a template for this, that would fit everyone

[arpy1]

do you know, that's probably the clearest explanation i have ever been given. thank you so much for taking the time to do that.

i guess, with the ssw sitting in my head (i still can't believe i can talk about her here, but nobody seems to mind) i have to agree i have separated part of me out from the rest of me. that's good, isn't it, to admit to her and talk about her? a start, perhaps?

behaviours? i guess i'm the using veg-out things type; like tv, computer games, reading escapist books, eating, alcohol... anything so i don't have to think or feel for a while. and i suppose, really, being a hermit is a not-normal behaviour, isn't it?

way of life? Exactly, right on the button. the times when i do let myself recognize even bits of the reality, it still shocks me so much that they really did do that to me!?! it is overwhelming, you're right. that bit never seems to get better with time.

integration... i don't really know how that would feel. but maybe i have enough tobe going on with.

thank you again, stillhere. appreciate it very much 

just caught your post too, Trace, thank you. i really relate to the time out idea. and definitely protecting (or trying to) from overload. maybe i will start to notice myself more now. thanks again

[stillhere]

Arpy1, I think you just identified a big part of the problem:  simultaneously thinking they really did that to me and then again thinking something like, "it might have been normal" or "maybe it wasn't so bad."  Perhaps until those two versions merge, integration can't happen?

Whenever I see or read accounts of child abuse, I simultaneously think, "So that's child abuse?" and "How dreadful for that child."  One part of my brain is still identifying the "reality" of it.  The other can empathize.  So maybe merging those two reactions would be integration?