C-PTSD recently triggered by a break up- definite triggers involving past issues

[NyxBean]

[A little long... sorry]

Hello. 


I'm a 25 year old genderfluid individual (assigned female at birth). I may also have an autistic spectrum disorder - awaiting the assessment by the specialist team and I am quite sure they will find I have either Aspergers or PDD-NOS. I would say, and have in fact read, that individuals on the spectrum can be more likely to suffer from PTSD and I imagine C-PTSD. The mixing of autistic meltdowns, shutdowns, and burnout with triggered C-PTSD events are... well, they are not pretty. 

In the past I was concerned that I had picked up BPD in the same manner as my abusive mother; although I know many pleasant individuals with that PD who are trying very hard to better themselves, my mother is not one of them.


About 22 days ago my partner of a year broke up with me and I suffered a spiral so severe that it shocked and scared me. I was mortified by some of the words I was saying, by my aggressive reaction (verbal) to my carer when he came to take me home, my refusal to leave unless they called the hospital or police, and then the horrifying realisation that I couldn't move. That's when the autistic-like shutdown occurred and I crumbled in on myself. My partner was still shouting at me at that point, saying that I was acting like my mother.

That last part was extremely hurtful because she is the beginning source to my C-PTSD. She would often threaten violence or death when "telling me off", bit my brother and I if we bit each other, emotionally neglected me, constantly belittled me, trashed my room to make me clean it, and tried to strangle me on at least four or five occasions - if others had not been there she probably would have killed me. A year ago when I was still in contact she put me in a pin-down while we were both drunk at my flat-warming. I was immediately and violently triggered, assuming I was once again fighting for survival. Apparently she calmly told all my shocked friends that she had done this whenever I had a tantrum as a child. Eventually she made it about her, "You hate me? Kill me then!" That would have been difficult as she still hadn't released me; I had resorted to weakly punching her in the head.

The police was called, she was made to leave, and she's been taking any chance to mess with me since then.

I have also been involved in an uncomfortable situation with a statutory rape case (I was the minor), being groomed by a paedophile who was trying to turn me into his side kick, many emotionally neglectful/abusive relationships of all forms, physical violence aimed at me when I was drunk by "friends", many abandonment scenarios, some sexual assault occurrences, and other fairly upsetting events.


Currently life is going down the toilet. My unofficial carer and friend is experiencing carer's burnout and recently explained that within a year he would be moving out of the flat. He'll be nearby and hopes to officialise his carer's status, but it's scary. 

As well as that, we don't know when we'll see the social workers, whether the disability benefits will push me up to the group I should be in (otherwise I could lose money due to government changes), when my autistic spectrum assessment is, when I'll see my psychiatrist for a new med review, and when we will be able to take my senile yowling cat to the vet for advice. Add that to my ex being dishonest about getting back in touch and prolonging the spiral, as well as self-destructive habits which I won't go into and which will be mentioned to my psychologist, and my mother's usual intrusion, and you can maybe see why I'm strung out.


I decided to join the site as I found it while looking for Out of the Fog in order to show my carer and, hopefully if he will listen as I think he is a sufferer too, my ex. It was great to see that there was a sister site with a support forum. I'm not sure what I will find here but I would like to give a bit of input now and then.

My main fear is engaging IN my bad habit of mentally weighing up others issues in my head and feeling as if I don't belong. 


Aside from my issues I like cats, writing, horror, fantasy, science fiction, and table-top gaming. I'm an INFJ and I'm Chaotic Good. ^_^


So, please be gentle. 

[VeryFoggy]

NyxBean - Welcome and so glad you found the site.  I started on Out of the Fog a year or so ago, but eventually became drawn to this one as it seemed more focused on specific things I was experiencing that were not resolved through cutting off contact with my NPD father.

I am so sorry you are going through so much anguish and turmoil.  It does take a lot of time and patience and effort to work through so many difficulties. I too broke up with  a SO a year ago (17 year relationship) and I thought the pain would kill me.  Quite literally.  Eventually I discovered by going back in my mind, and finding my wounded child and giving her the love she had never received from her parents, that the pain I felt at losing my SO was significantly reduced. I am not saying this as advice, it is simply something that helped me. Loving my wounded child myself with my adult self helped reduce my current day pain.

Some of your terminology I don't understand and have never been exposed to?  I apologize for my ignorance.  But what is a carer?  I have not been exposed to that term?

Again I am sorry you are going through so much, and all at once. I hope you get some of your most pressing physical diagnosis and financial needs met so that you can focus on healing. 

You will find many compassionate people on this site who truly care and who can empathize. 

[mourningdove]

Hi NyxBean and welcome!   

It seems to me that you definitely belong and I hope you will find benefit in this site. 

[VeryFoggy]

Thank you for sharing Nyxbean. There is an awful lot of pain in your story. I am so sorry. 

For me one of the hardest and most difficult parts of my recovery has been that I could not help anyone else I loved. It made me feel sad, and like a failure to not be able to help them. Yes, my loved ones are sick, yes, they have terrible issues. But in the end I found there was only one person I could really and truly affect and change. And that was me. And I found out that if I changed?  Then they changed too.  I could advise them to go to therapy?  But I could not make them. But learning about boundaries and setting limits with them helped me get better.

And sadly I have ended up losing most of them, but the peace I have gained has been worth the loss. All of their drama simply exacerbated my CPTSD symptoms and exhausted me.  And finding myself, and who I am, and what I want. and where I want to go is peaceful and calm, and comforting.

You will find a lot of that here.  People who will support you and your recovery and where you want to go and what you want to do.  It is after all your life!

So I hope you take a look around and find that some of the forums have meaning for you, and will assist you on your journey.  And always remember we have all had to start from somewhere, and the first step is always the hardest. I am wishing you the very best on your journey to find yourself with us.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS Nyxbean   

You asked that we be gentle with you (and I think you'll find we are), but I would suggest that with so much on your plate you also need to be as gentle with yourself as you possibly can.     CPTSD is complex and ir develops as a result of ongoing abuse so there are a lot of layers to work through, not something that happens overnight.  It sounds like you do have professional help in place and hopefully a carer, and now you've come here.  We aren't professionals so the best we can do is share our own experiences and make some suggestions, but here you will not be alone with all that you have endured for we have gone through similar abuse.

If/when you have the time search self-compassion and/or self-care (upper right hand corner of the screen) as many of us find is the first step toward recovery. You may also want to check out Pete Walker's web site (http://www.pete-walker.com/) as he is one of the first to use the term emotional flashback and it sounds like you have a lot of those.  Finally, there is another site which may also help you called MyPTSD (https://www.myptsd.com/) in that from what you've described your trauma seems to be a combination of ongoing abuse and a series of single traumatic incidents

Glad you found your way here