So tired of feeling this bad

[no_more_fear]

Since March when all my memories returned my life has been *. I'm just in continual FB's and only seem to get a bit of resbite, like a day or a few hours, inbetween each one. Everything seems to trigger them. Is this normal? I can't do anything it seems. Like for instance, I've been reading Harry Potter, on the fifth book and the end was really sad and it's launched me into yet another flashback to abandonment.

I can't even offer the wonderful people here support because I can barely breath most of the time. I stopped coming to this site for quite a while because I just froze, but I need to hear from the people who understand.

My SO is sitting opposite me now but he's busy and I promised I'd not mention this today and I don't want to break my promise.

I'm doing everything I can. Seeing a T, reading the Pete Walker book, meditating, learning about mindfulness, but none of it seems to be getting me anywhere.

I've lost so much weight since this all started, and I'm losing more. I'm worried about that and the bruises I'm covered in that I don't remember getting. It's just all too much.

Will it ever get a bit better? Will I ever learn to cope? I just feel like I should be making progress, but things seem to be getting worse all the time.

Thanks for reading.  to you all.

[woodsgnome]

Hi, No_More_Guilt.

It feels stupid to  say "I know the feeling", but it's truly all I do know. This is the worst pain one can experience..the emotions are shot, but you're expected to somehow carry on. The emotions cascade like a waterfall, pounding onto the rocks of your grief.

You asked if it gets better...well, yes, but that only sets up a future maybe time, and you're here, now. The somedays are nice to think of, but you need so much more, now.

You just showed your strength in the now, though. You asked for help. That is already pointing the way out. You wondered:

"Will it ever get a bit better? Will I ever learn to cope? I just feel like I should be making progress, but things seem to be getting worse all the time."

It is better already, but it might not seem like it; having asked was the first step en route to the better. Even on this site, which can be hard to fathom, with all the grief that lands in these postings, you had the spark and the courage to ask. And it doesn't get any better than that.

I like metaphors, symbols that point to a way out. And looking above, I made a comment about the emotions coming as a waterfall, pounding on the rocks of grief below. So, if you'll let me, I'd like to expand the metaphor and imagine what happens once the water pounds down...it looks for, and always finds, an outlet.

The outlet becomes a river, and eventually reaches the sea, where it's absorbed into the essence of the ocean, finding its natural home, where its strength is restored, and keeps getting better.

I'm sorry I only have words, when you need this more:
                     

Thank you for being here, no_more_guilt.

[Trees]

Dear nmg, yes, it will get better.  It might take some time.  And the improvement might seem way too slow. 

Please try to take as good care of yourself as you can.  Perhaps your SO could help keep you eating properly?  Unexplained bruising could be due to inadequate nutrition.  And inadequate nutrition can also contribute to a worsening of one's mental state.

I hope you will stay in touch here, so that we can keep reminding you that you are brave and are making progress and  are worthy of love and safety and comfort.

[no_more_fear]

Hi, No_More_Guilt.

This is the worst pain one can experience..the emotions are shot, but you're expected to somehow carry on. The emotions cascade like a waterfall, pounding onto the rocks of your grief.

Thank you so much, woodsgnome. Wakening up and seeing these messages has helped me immerserably. I've already read your post 3 or times and I'll read it a few more! I think it's reallly important how someone starts their day and although it can sometimes be difficult to face this site, today it's helped a lot.

It might seem strange, but when you said that this pain is the worst that one can experience it was a huge relief because hearing that type of thing helps me realise I'm not crazy to feel this way, it's very much a normal reaction. The weekend is just generally hard for me anyway because it's when I was stuck at home with my FOO-no school to escape to, so things were at their worst. Now that it's Sunday things are a bit better.

Thank you for saying I've gotten a bit better. That's helped a lot too. I'll keep coming on here because I feel a level of acceptance here that I can't feel anywhere else and I'm hugely grateful for that.

Thanks again. 

[no_more_fear]

Dear nmg, yes, it will get better.  It might take some time.  And the improvement might seem way too slow. 

Please try to take as good care of yourself as you can.  Perhaps your SO could help keep you eating properly?  Unexplained bruising could be due to inadequate nutrition.  And inadequate nutrition can also contribute to a worsening of one's mental state.

I hope you will stay in touch here, so that we can keep reminding you that you are brave and are making progress and  are worthy of love and safety and comfort.

Thank you, Trees. Like I said above, it's a great feeling seeing these messages and knowing that people are there for me, so thank you again.

My SO cooks for me every night, but it's during the day I need to eat more and he's not here then. I'll take care of myself better and start making some kind of lunch. I need to start believing that I'm worth taking care of.

Thanks for saying I'm brave. I'll keep trying to remember that and keep coming here. This place means so much to me in such a short time. 

[Oxygen]

nmg, its weird but I never knew there was any other way to feel either. Like you, I have some relatively 'normal' days, too but they're few and far between.

But here's something I recently found out: I was having FBs forever (ok, well it sure seems like forever) and didn't know it. The difference between now and before it that I'm 'aware' of them and that's a really good thing. Before 'they' were troubling me and I didn't even know it. Now 'they're' still troubling me but at least I am aware of what 'they' are. Getting to the point where we become aware of our FBs is a good thing (painful as *, but good) because now we can begin the process of healing them. As long as they remained buried, they were not being dealt with because we didn't even know about them.

Hang in there and know you're getting better and that becoming aware of FBs is really a big step. Its a painful step for sure, but its a big step. It might help if you try writing your FBs down when they occur to reference later. I even write down what I was doing, who was with me or if I was alone, and what I was feeling immediately before and immediately afterwards.

Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint but we're at least getting off the start line now and that's better than we were doing when we didn't even know there was a race!

Light and love to you today and always

[no_more_fear]

Thank you, Oxygen. You are so right, awareness is the key. I was stuck in an EF for days there and I couldn't work out why. I have to work out how it started or they just don't stop. Writing down how I felt before and after is a great idea, so thank you. I'll do that shortly. Thank you agaiin for your encouraging words, I'll remember them.