Re: Family of origin

[Badmemories]

I can identify with you.. actually I think YOU situation was worse than mine.

I thought my life was normal, all mothers did this stuff, all mothers smiled outside the house and beat you and shouted inside the house.
Why I had to cook and clean and look after my younger siblings? That was simply because I was the oldest daughter and who else would do it if my mother was gone for months on end.

I was put into this exact situation. the only difference is My NPD Mom was there physically but not emotionally. I was scared of her as a child. I never remember getting any physical hugs kisses of affection. She also Used corporal disapline to keep us in line. I remember one time sassing back to her and she slapped me so hard that I got a busted lip. She allowed My step- father to physically and sexually abuse me. When I confronted her about it she denies having known about it. We live in a 35FT trailer with no doors. I know she knew.

Why did I spend most of my time trying to figure out where to run away to, or hiding in my cupboard as a teenager? Not sure, but really needed to try and disappear for as long as possible so I could try and think and stay away from HER anger, try to keep myself safe from her stabbing me again maybe or threatening to kill me with an axe again.

I ran away the first time when I was 12. I went to friends house and carried all my clothes in a box 5 blocks away. Of course she came and got me...  I left home at 17 because of her abuse. I moved in with a BF that was not good for me either, but it was better than living at home!

I am so sorry that your Mom tried to stab You and threatened you with an ax. That must have been devasting to YOU the person who SHOULD have been protecting you  trying to do GREAT physical harm to YOU! (((Hugs))))

But I had to stay, my youngest brother needed me and I had to take him with me into the bathroom and lock the door, so he wouldn't see her beating my father and keep him from being there if I was next, which I usually was.

I still feel the need to protect My NPD Sis from MY mom. I was always the peace maker in MY family. I was elevated to MOM to my siblings when sh divorced NPD STEP Dad. I don't remember having a childhood. I feel like I was always a grown-up!

Wondered why I always had a foreboding feeling and thought about death and suicide all the time, and up until recently after many more things happened in my life with my mother adding more pain to pain

I thought at one time of committing suicide. I prayed very hard to have G-D remove those feelings from me. I was 21 at the time. I do not think I would be here except for My strong faith in G-D.

I am also grateful for this type of forum as it helps me to make sense of things.

The Out of the fog forum has helped me More than anything else that I have ever done to help myself. ( I am sure this forum will be a big benefit to me. also) I have been in day patient treatment 2 times. Some of it helped me... but until I realized More about personality disorders and How it affected me then I was still in a fog. The dynamics in My family were so bad that reading good books did not help me much because I didn't understand what they were trying to say most times. Forums help me because they are down in the trenches type advice and self help ideas!

[Annegirl]

Dear Bad memories.
Thank you for your input and reply.
I truly believe your situation was worse than mine.
I am SO glad you have a faith in G-d and that this has helped you, I believe too that this is what has kept me here and relatively sane (but then what is sane? Lol)
To have two siblings commit suicide your situation must have been very intensely negative and disturbing.
Do you have loving people around you who support you? ( not including this forum)
I really hope you do, you deserve it.
Be kind to yourself
Much love

[Kizzie]

I am also grateful for this type of forum as it helps me to make sense of things.

The Out of the fog forum has helped me More than anything else that I have ever done to help myself. ( I am sure this forum will be a big benefit to me. also) I have been in day patient treatment 2 times. Some of it helped me... but until I realized More about personality disorders and How it affected me then I was still in a fog. The dynamics in My family were so bad that reading good books did not help me much because I didn't understand what they were trying to say most times. Forums help me because they are down in the trenches type advice and self help ideas!

I was just reading something - geez wish I could remember where -- about the really positive benefits of belonging to an online community of peers who share the same problem or interest as you.  I know when I joined the other two forums I am a member of I read and read, and then read some more soaking up all the experience and knowledge of others who were dealing with the same thing as me. And then when I started to post I found I was able to start sorting through the tangled threads  that were my thoughts and feelings and feel validated, affirmed and encouraged by the support from members.  No more suffering in silence and thinking I was alone - what a wonderful feeling!

[Badmemories]

And then when I started to post I found I was able to start sorting through the tangled threads  that were my thoughts and feelings and feel validated, affirmed and encouraged by the support from members.  No more suffering in silence and thinking I was alone - what a wonderful feeling!

I feel the same way. I mean who do you tell the crazy things that happen behind closed doors. Then a person feels so isolated and alone. sometimes so crazy. I helps to see other people, who like me would never talk about it in public, can get together and just open their heart! getting validation is also important. The thing I find so funny is that so many of the stories are alike. i find myself in most posts!

[Kizzie]

It's almost bitterset isn't it BadMemories - that we are not alone, but in the good company of so many others who are struggling with the same things as us?  I certainly wouldn't wish CPTSD on anyone, but I'm grateful not to be struggling alone any more.  I like seeing myself in others' posts too because each time I do it decreases that feeling that I am so different from everyone else. It confirms that  I have a disorder with common symptoms that can be treated rather than that I am defective as a human being.

[Badmemories]

@Kizzy, the word defective hit a thread in MY mind. When I was a child at school I was bullied continuously. Defective was one of the words the children used to call me. LOL

Plastic.. retarded.....dumb....stupid.....dwarf..( i am short.)
I don't think much about being bullied at school. Really NOW it is one thing that tells me that the problems of MY family wore on me at such a young age!  When I look at school pictures when I was young I LOOK VERY SAD!  That is healing for me also... to realize that I was a product of the abuse not a cause of it!

[Kizzie]

@Kizzy, the word defective hit a thread in MY mind. When I was a child at school I was bullied continuously. Defective was one of the words the children used to call me. LOL

Plastic.. retarded.....dumb....stupid.....dwarf..( i am short.)
I don't think much about being bullied at school. Really NOW it is one thing that tells me that the problems of MY family wore on me at such a young age!  When I look at school pictures when I was young I LOOK VERY SAD!  That is healing for me also... to realize that I was a product of the abuse not a cause of it!

Well said BadMemories!  That is a big part of what being here is all about I think - getting that younger us to realize we were most definitely NOT the cause.  Great mantra for the inner child     

[Badmemories]

THANK YOU!